TODAY

TODAY   |  March 04, 2013

KLG, Hoda welcome (captive) Chelsea Handler

TODAY’s Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb welcome their special guest, comedian Chelsea Handler (who appears to be held against her will). They discuss stories about a crime-fighting do-gooder dressed as Batman and “The Fast Diet,” which encourages fasting two days a week.

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This content comes from Closed Captioning that was broadcast along with this program.

>> hey, everybody. welcome. welcome. hope you had a great weekend. it's fun day monday around here, and probably where you are too. march 4th .

>> happy monday.

>> fun day monday, hoda woman. how was your weekend?

>> well, i'm recovering from injuries that i sustained while i went to one of my favorite places that i love to go to on the weekend sometimes. it's a place i told you where they put you on like a slab and scrub you within an inch of your life.

>> see, why do you love --

>> it's great. you get all the dead skin off. you get a message.

>> they take the live skin too. i think you just love abuse.

>> i don't, but this is one of the small -- anyway, they went so hard that it went in deep into the skin, so then i started thinking it kind of hurts, but i'm not going to say anything because she's trying so hard.

>> yeah.

>> she really was. sometimes you get in those positions where when someone is doing something, and you're like could you go a little softer, but you're not quite sure how far you should go to stop them because you don't think it's that bad until you look at it later. it's like a haircut. when someone is cutting your hair and they go just a little bit shorter.

>> your hair doesn't feel the pain when it gets cut.

>> it's about telling someone when they're doing something that isn't right for you.

>> i know, but you should have no trouble telling everybody else around here when you don't like something.

>> you are on a slab. why should it be different?

>> i do feel uncomfortable when you feel like somebody is trying really hard.

>> you don't want to hurt their feelings, but they took the skin off your back.

>> skin off it. bandages, but it was worth it.

>> then you create openings in your skin for disease and bacteria to get in.

>> don't say openings.

>> you know what --

>> what would you to?

>> i did something similar on friday night. it was our dear friend stanley moore's 87th birthday.

>> wow.

>> we went to a restaurant in greenwich called gabriel's with a bunch of friends. it also happened to be regis and joy's wedding anniversary . our table nervowas in the middle of the place. we're owl oxyginarians. we couldn't hear what anyone was saying. why do we do this? it's a beautiful restaurant. the owner there, tony, really great guy. he goes come here, come here. he takes us up an elevator to the banquet hall with a fireplace. he says give me ten minutes. this is how to run a restaurant. sets up a table for eight. little candles. sets the little fireplace for us, and we had our own little private dinner up there, which was so much fun.

>> i can't believe that.

>> regis had me in such stitches.

>> did he?

>> in such stitches. i wasn't going to say anything today, but it's in the news.

>> it's in the newspaper.

>> he is going to fox sports . he is all excited about it. it's going to be his own show at 5:00 starting --

>> it's a group thing, right?

>> he will be on at 5:00, and then i think he said august through super bowl . i'm excited for him. reg, he will be 82 in august. i said how long of a deal did you sign?

>> love to needle.

>> one year. one year.

>> oh, my gosh.

>> i'm excited for him. he loves sports like crazy. everybody -- he is sick of everybody saying yes we missed you. why did you retire? he never retired. he moved on. he moved on.

>> i remember from that book signing i had when he showed up and the place exploded.

>> i continue.

>> it was out of control, and he -- just by stepping into a situation, he blew it up.

>> he was so thrilled to be able to do that for you that day.

>> what did he say?

>> he said hello to moda. anyway --

>> whatever.

>> you know what, he is not the only one that can't get your name. behave yourself with chelsea today, okay?

>> chelsea is here again. oh, look at her. bored. she's not reading "the times," is she?

>> no, i can't read.

>> had to show her to the ladies room this morning. everything turned out okay apparently.

>> she's handcuffed. this is perfect. she can't leave. she tried to get out of being on the fourth hour, and that's all right. we have our knives all sharpened get her out of the --

>> so sorry.

>> reading with one hand.

>> let somebody bring her in when it's her time. it's going to be explosive had when she's here.

>> we hear that there's a funny piece of video that's out there. now, if you have ever been pulled over by the cops, usually you're nervous. you're in the car, and you want to do everything just right because you don't get a ticket because maybe he will show some mercy for you. in russia a guy pulled over , and he had the hottest new russian gadget in his dashboard, and i guess it's an animal that repeats things that you say.

>> it says what you say.

>> what do you think? [ speaking russian ]

>> oh, that's cute.

>> it's kind of set up because it seems very, very much like a setup to me. he got his license.

>> he has a camera rolling.

>> he has -- yeah. it's very funny. it's very funny.

>> we don't care. all right. what is the batman come to life story ? i wasn't listening.

>> there was a guy that they're trying to find. he solved this crime. in this case this guy is dressed like batman. he is a little overweight, batman. unidentified. he is in a batman suit. he walked a berkeley suspect into a police station and turned the guy in. the 27-year-old support was arrested of fraud, and batman left.

>> why would the crook go with batman? why did he go along?

>> why wouldn't he?

>> who cares? we a great fad diet .

>> we're thinking of trying it.

>> i like the whole point of this diet. okay. it's out of britain. it's a new diet. so what happens is for two days in the week you eat -- you almost fast. you eat like 500 calories, and the other five days you can eat what you like. you're not supposed to pig out on those five, but on the two days that you don't eat much your stomach shrinks.

>> okay. then when you do the five days it doesn't want as much?

>> it doesn't want as much until the last day, and then you shrink it again. it's like the cave man days. when a cave man would go out and get meat, and everybody would eat it, and for two days the wife would say where is the food, and they would have to go get it. their stomach would shrink again, and the meat would come.

>> i'm going to have to ask frank if that's true. he'll know.

>> by the way, we got a big reaction to our segment on lying on whether you should lie to your spouse about things. remember we were talking about if you have a steamy dream and your spouse said what did you dream about, should you say i had a steamy dream about your best friend .

>> i had a steamy dream, but it was about frank. i forgot to tell him.

>> did you really have one?

>> i did. i was surprised it was about him. isn't that nice?

>> yes, it is.

>> but we had that big discussion, and then over the weekend he went ask got up, got the car, and came here to new york, and got somebody to do something to his hair and came home and goes what do you think of my hair? do you like my hair? i had to do what i said. i do. honey, do you really want me to answer that? yes. i told him i didn't like it, and then i'll never ask you again. this is the good thing about us getting older. 20 minutes later, how do you like my hair? he forgot that he told me not to ask. never mention it again. so it's all is well with us. it's all good. we're learning to deal with all of his little changes in life with a lot of humor.

>> that lying thing did spark a lot about whether or not you should tell your spouse the truth at all times and what you should keep from them. i thought it was interesting.

>> it won't change your behavior because you're afraid to tell a woman that she's killing you, taking all the skin off your body. you won't tell her the truth.

>> i didn't want to hurt her feelings, okay? people have feelings too. all right? all right.

>> we better get to -- we have our favorite things. let's hear yours.

>> over the weekend i went up to essex, connecticut, because i had fallen in love with a woman's art, and i found out that she was going to be at the art essex art museum . it's up there, and a lovely, lovely, lovely place. this is who this woman is. her name is ann h. nielsen. it's called angels in our midst. it's one of the most beautiful books. you can get it. ann nielsen fine art.com. the book is $70. it's expensive. it's a lovely, like, mother's day gift or a birthday gift or something like that, but you can buy her prints, which a lot of people, do or she has gorgeous, gorgeous paintings. one of the lovelyiest, loveliest people i have ever met. i just adore her work. everybody that was there was just like -- they didn't want to leave because it just brings such peace and so she signed this to you, hoda woman.

>> how beautiful?

>> this is for you.

>> i love this.

>> that was my favorite thing.

>> beautiful. now mine, of course, seems trivial, once again, but i have -- this is so good.

>> vaseline.

>> no, this is so good.

>> let's say you were in the shower and you want to put lotion on. let me show you how it works.

>> on your scabs.

>> i don't have scabs on my legs. you spray it like that. then you rub it in.

>> yeah.

>> see?

>> you are making the prisoners go crazy right now.

>> it's better because -- than having to skirt it in your hand and rub it in. it's a spray, and it's more convenient because i'm lazy.

>> i hear you cleaned your apartment over the weekend.

>> i did. i bagged up, you guys, six big lawn trash bags full of t-shirts and junk, okay? and they're all in bags, and i gave it away to charity. i love it.

>> being you gave junk to charity.

>> a lot of them had tags on.

>> sara, what do have you?

>> sticking with the trivial, it's a mac lipstick. it's a new shade. some fans say you always have a great nude lip, and it's called peach stock. you can get it at mac cosmetics or sephora. i have to say it is a color that if you are looking for your eyes to pop, like you want to play down the leps, i learned this from mary, this is the one. peach stock.

>> very pretty.

>> this, of course, is the first week of the new month, and we always have -- everyone has a moment

>> i was singing to reg. on his 87th birthday the other night. boydy clear a room. 36-year-old daniel from marlboro, new jersey, and his girlfriend mindy. this really moved me when i read it. while -- he and his girlfriend were visiting his mom right after the hurricane this past fall in the florida hospital. daniel had, like, severe stomach pains . he was admitted to the hospital himself. his mom passed away just a couple of days later, and two days after that daniel was diagnosed -- he is a young, beautiful man. stage four rare -- it's called peritonium cancer in his small bowel . he remained in the hospital for another month and his girlfriend minimumedy stayed by his side. they missed christmas, of course, new year's, and everything, losing his mom, but he wanted -- he called and said he wanted to honor his girlfriend for staying with him through all of that. she never left his side when he had surgery. they are on the phone. daniel and mindy, how are you, guys?

>> good. how are you?

>> oh, we look so forward to meeting you this thursday.

>> we do too.

>> daniel , how are you feeling right now, hon? are you up for the trip?

>> i'm working my way there. it's a goal to get there, and, you know, every day i've had new challenges even with being in the hospital, but i look forward to it.

>> we look forward to meeting you guys.

>> we're going to honor your girl and honor you as well for all that you have been through too. so many people have been through so much since hurricane sandy.

>> we'll see you on thursday, okay?