Just over a month after a harrowing event involving her infant son, Eva Amurri Martino has opened up about coping with depression and guilt in the wake of the traumatic situation.
The 31-year-old actress wrote on her blog about her struggles after the family's night nurse accidentally dropped her 3-month-old son, Major James, on his head, causing serious injuries.
"Kyle and I were sleeping at the time and were awoken by the sound of his head hitting the floor, and then hysterical piercing screams,'' she wrote. "He suffered a fractured skull and bleeding on his brain, and was transported by ambulance to Yale Medical Center where I spent two harrowing days with him to receive emergency care and further testing. To say these were the most traumatic and anxious two days of my life is an understatement."
Amurri Martino has two children, Major and Marlowe, 2, with husband Kyle Martino. Thankfully the injuries to Major were not debilitating.
"But here’s the good part: by the grace of all of his many angels, and every God one cares to pray to, MAJOR IS FINE,'' she wrote. "Completely fine. He has been healing well, hitting milestones, cooing, smiling, and generally showing us that he is and will be OK as he grows and develops."
Amurri Martino, however, said she struggled with guilt over the situation and admittedly is afraid to let others care for her children. She also wrote that she has had issues with her appetite, dizzy spells and nausea since the incident and is seeing a therapist.
"It’s nearly impossible for me to trust anyone but myself to take care of Major now,'' she wrote. "Hearing Major cry hard immediately triggers my memories of the moments after the accident and instigates an immediate panic attack — my heart races and tears spring to my eyes."
She also hesitated to write about the experience for fear of judgment.
"I know that this news might reach many, and of those many there will always be the people who say that this accident was my fault,'' she wrote. "That if it had been me in there holding him instead of a Night Nurse, that this never would have happened. That I deserve this for allowing my child to be in the care of somebody other than me. Well, let me tell you — the guilt I bore in the days and weeks after this accident was more intense and more damaging than anything I would wish upon my worst enemy. I had all those same thoughts and more."
Amurri Martino is hoping for a fresh start in the new year and is focused on trying to stay positive.
"I have somehow retained a lot of optimism and humor through these challenges, and there have been many moments in the past month where I have found silver linings in the day — but the storm under the surface has been brewing to a point that I can no longer ignore,'' she wrote. "With open arms, I welcome 2017 as the year I learn to forgive a little deeper, to let go a little more easily, to accept some things I cannot change, and to love myself a lot more unconditionally."
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