When Lindsay and I started thinking about marriage, we never talked about the fact that eventually we would have mixed-race kids. Looking back on it, maybe we should have. But it was not something that was front of mind when we were dating.
Even after we got married, we never discussed what it would be like to raise biracial children. I don’t think we talked about it because we didn’t have any experience in that space. She doesn’t come from a family that is diverse and neither do I. In my book, “Pops,” I wrote about the first time I told my Grandma Florence, who had a mistrust of white people, that I was dating Lindsay. I was nervous about the conversation and Grandma Florence cut me off and said, “I know she’s white. I know, I know.” And that was it, the end of the race discussion.
But now that we have Delano and Sybil, we’ve essentially had to figure it out as we go along. I remember reading something years ago about the idea that biracial children, at some point in their lives, begin to identify with a race. I was a bit incredulous about whether it was true, but since then I’ve also heard it from other parents of mixed-race children. For some, it happens when they are young and for others it may not be until they are older or they become parents. ‘ ’
It’s been interesting to watch Delano, who is 9, because I think that he has started to identify as Black, as African American. Just based on some of the conversations that we’ve had recently and some of the things that he has said, I think that’s starting to happen.
Sibby is still young at 7, but even she is showing some signs of self-identity. She’s been drawing self-portraits for years now. A couple of months ago, she drew a picture of herself on a horse. And it’s the first time she went out of her way to make her face a darker complexion than it is. I deliberately didn’t ask her about it, even though I wanted to, because I don’t want to have any sort of influence on how she views herself in this world and how she identifies. In the past, I’ve always noticed that she colors her blonde hair and puts on her freckles, and she’s pale in most of the pictures. When she gave it to me, I said, “Sibby — who is this? Who is the girl on the horse?” She looked at me and said, “Daddy, that’s me.” I quickly responded, “Of course. Of course that’s you.”
What we have done, deliberately, is really try to expose our kids to both of our backgrounds. We’ve introduced them to Black history as well as Polish history, which is Lindsay’s ancestry. For example, during the holidays we go out of our way to incorporate as many Polish and African-American traditions as possible. Every January, we make the kids watch — from beginning to end — the entire “I Have A Dream” speech and it always sparks conversation and questions.
Recently, I had the honor of moderating a talk with civil rights attorney Clarence Jones, who was part of Dr. Martin Luther King’s inner circle, and it was important to have both of my kids there to sort of help connect some dots. As they have gotten older, I have found that it’s easier to have some of the more difficult conversations about race in America when there’s a jumping off point that is historical.
Being able to bring living history to our town and introduce my children to Clarence really helped bridge the divide that often exists between past and present. Shonda Rhimes, who lives in our town, happened to be there as well, as Clarence is her godfather. So I was able to say to my daughter, “This is Shonda Rhimes, one of the most successful writers and producers of our time.” For my little girl to get to talk to Ms. Rhimes, and to see Black excellence personified, that’s everything.
As for role models to my kids, I am convinced that one of the major reasons Del became such a big Kansas City Chiefs fan is because he did see himself in Patrick Mahomes. He loves football and started to notice this kid, who had skin that looks like his, and hair that looked like his, performing on a national stage. Representation matters, and we know that to be true.
I have not yet had “the talk” with Del about what it means to be a Black man in America and how it impacts the way you respond to certain situations. He’s only in fourth grade. I have a group of about 10 to 12 Black dads in my town who I have lunch with once a month. It’s a small group, because we live in a very white town. We are of varying ages, and are fathers of sons and daughters of varying ages. This topic came up at one of our lunches. At what point do you have that conversation? I mean, obviously you have to have it before they get to high school. But what I don’t want to do too early is warp his innocence.
My 9-year-old son still wears onesie pajamas, like with the footies. He still sleeps with all of his stuffies. But he also needs to wear deodorant now. So he’s at that tipping point. I know it’s a conversation in our very near future.