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Dad shares heartbreaking 'what ifs' on 4th anniversary of Parkland shooting

"For the past 4 years, I find myself asking 'what if' every minute of every day."
Florida Town Of Parkland In Mourning, After Shooting At Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School Kills 17
People visit a makeshift memorial in front of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School on February 19, 2018 in Parkland, Florida. A 19-year-old former student was arrested and convicted of the February 14 shooting that killed 17 people. Joe Raedle / Getty Images

On the fourth anniversary of the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting in Parkland, Florida, a grieving dad shared a heartbreaking Twitter thread on what life is like four years after losing his daughter.

Fred Guttenberg lost his daughter, 14-year-old Jamie, when a 19-year-old opened fire on staff and students attending Stoneman Douglas High School on Valentine's Day, 2018, killing 17. Jamie was among the youngest victims.

Guttenberg, who also had a son attending school that day, marked the four-year anniversary of his daughter's death with a string of 20 tweets, detailing what it has been like to continue on in the wake of his daughter's murder.

"Dear Jamie," the first tweet reads. "Today is 4 years since your voice was silenced. It is now 4 years since I last heard your laugh, saw your smile, and kissed you goodbye. It is now 4 years since I last had that typical parental worries about you and how your day was going?"

"What kinds of things you were learning? Whether you were happy? Whether you were safe? You and your brother Jesse both know that I never engaged in 'what if' conversations with you," the thread continued. "In our home, you both heard me say many times that I do not discuss 'what if' scenarios, I will only discuss 'what is.' IF you wanted to talk to me about something and ask me for something, you had to come prepared with substance and facts about what was happening in real time, not engage me in 'what if.' Jamie, I was wrong."

"For the past 4 years, I find myself asking 'what if' every minute of every day. What if you were sick that morning and we never sent you to school? What would your day have been like then? Would fate have intervened some other way or would you now be the beautiful 18-year-old teenager living her best life at The University of Florida? What would your dorm room look like? Who would your roommate be? Would you have your first college boyfriend? Would you be studying to be a pediatric physical therapist as you had always planned?"

Related: Parkland shooting survivor Aalayah Eastmond speaks out on 1-year anniversary

"Would you still be dancing? What if your murder never happened and the past four years included new photos, new videos, and new memories with you?" Guttenberg tweeted. "What would they include? What would you be like today? I know with certainty you would still be the energy and voice in every room that you stepped into and that everyone would be responding to you."

"What if a shooter never came to your school that day? What if a teenager or any other person with known risks was never able to acquire guns or ammunition to cause harm to others? What would our family be like now? What would our community be like now? What would my life be like now?"

Guttenberg continued to list the many "what ifs" he considers daily, along with photos of Jamie dancing, smiling, holding a baby, and photos of Guttenberg and Jamie embracing and smiling for the camera.

"What if every day now, my day still began by telling you how much I love you in person or on the phone, and not telling you while sitting at your graveside?" he continued. "What if our day still included plans for your future, instead of sadness over what I will never experience with you?"

"What if the dominant thought in my head was still dreams of walking you down the aisle at your wedding and becoming a grandparent to your children? What if the dominant thought in my head was not images of your final minute before you were killed? What if the last thought in my head every day was not your FINAL seconds and wondering did you suffer? What if I did not have to go to bed every day hoping that you died instantly, out of fear that if you did not, that means you did suffer."

Related: Widow of teacher killed in Parkland shooting elected to school board

Guttenberg, who became a gun safety activist after his daughter was killed and who famously yelled at former President Donald Trump during a State of the Union address for not adequately working to end gun violence in the country, also asked what the nation would look like if "this country genuinely and truly prioritized life and reducing gun violence" before the deadly shooting that claimed his daughter's life.

"What if efforts to reduce gun violence had been passed after any of the other shootings that came before this?" Guttenberg tweeted. "What if Florida had laws in place like those passed 3 weeks after you were murdered? Would this shooting have been prevented? Would so many of the other shootings have been prevented? Would you yourself be a gun safety activist or some other type of activist? What if you were not buried in a cemetery and still alive, because of the efforts others could have taken before February 14, 2018? What if America understood before you were killed, or even today, that reducing gun violence is a public health issue and not a second amendment issue? What if because of that, instead of becoming a symbol for the failure of America to protect life, fate had intervened in a different way, and made you a fighter for others?"

Related: Understanding survivor’s guilt: Parkland, Sandy Hook suicides show lingering trauma

"How many parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, friends, and communities would be saved from needing to wonder what if? What if we could all agree on a way to move America forward to being a society where we can again send our kids to school without active shooter drills or fears of being shot, or to a movie, or to a mall, or to a place of worship?" he continued. "What if we could all agree that we owe it to our kids to be better than this, and to change course NOW, so that our kids and their kids can grow up in an America that genuinely and truly values life?"

"It is never too late to change from 'what if' to 'what is' and finally do something about gun violence," Guttenberg concluded. "Doing so now may save the life of the person you love, so that you don't spend the rest of your life wondering what if?"