The conventional wisdom about the way retirement affects married couples goes something like this: Once the husband and wife find themselves stuck in each other’s company every minute of every day, they drive each other bonkers and fretfully yearn to return to work.
If this is what you’ve imagined — or perhaps even feared — think again. A new survey of more than 1,000 55- to 75-year-olds reveals that retirement leaves most couples feeling happier, less stressed and closer to their spouses than ever before.
According to the survey, conducted by independent researchers for AARP The Magazine, 96 percent of respondents reported that their relationships remained as strong as they had been or became even stronger in retirement.
“That’s almost 100 percent,” said Nancy Perry Graham, editor of AARP The Magazine. “I think that’s one of the most astonishing statistics I’ve ever seen, especially because of the common wisdom that in retirement people start to get on each other’s nerves.”
What’s more, 74 percent of respondents said they were happier in retirement than they had been when they were working.
“The vast majority are happier and the vast majority say their relationships are better, so overall the findings are very positive,” Graham said. “This is great news for many people looking forward, especially because people are living longer. We’re not just talking about retirement years, we’re talking about retirement decades.”
More travel, less sex
The survey, which interviewed people in marriages where one or both spouses are retired, painted a picture of content couples who are getting to spend more time traveling, eating out, exercising, volunteering, pursuing their hobbies and surfing the Internet. Other activities that increased included doing housework, watching TV and sleeping.
As for what tended to decline during retirement, 22 percent reported that they’re having less sex.
“Really, people have lots of misconceptions about aging, and one misconception is that older adults aren’t interested in sex,” Foley said. “They are interested in sex, but two factors can inhibit that: poor health and depression …
“That makes it important to ask: Did work in some way serve as a buffer for depression?”
For people who are concerned about a decline in their sex lives despite the extra time they have on their hands, Foley advised taking the following steps:
- Rather than waiting until the end of the day — after you’ve eaten and have started to get tired — move this activity up to an earlier time slot.
- Exercise, exercise, exercise. “It really is the fountain of youth,” Foley said. “People who exercise have more sex.”
- Even if you don’t feel particularly aroused, just get into bed together and cuddle. “Blammo! It will work,” she said.
On a related note, more than three-fourths of survey respondents said they are as romantic as they had been before retirement, while 12 percent said retirement has made them even more romantic. As for arguing and bickering, 30 percent said they actually argue less.
“People are returning to a time in their relationships when they’re getting to know each other all over again,” Graham said. “They’re dating again, enjoying each other’s company, doing things together that they mutually like to do — like traveling, like eating out.”
Triggering tension, irritation
Feelings of happiness in retirement do have a catch, though. Contentment seems to spike when both the husband and the wife are retired together and are there to help each other through this major life transition. Tension can brew when one spouse retires and the other continues working, and the working spouse is the one who tends to feel the strain the most.
Overall, 21 percent of respondents reported experiencing more tension in their marriage — but that number jumped to 27 percent when working spouses were questioned about their marriages to retirees.
A total of 91 percent of retired respondents said they encouraged their spouses to join them in retirement, and 49 percent acknowledged that their encouragement was “strong.”
Also in the tension category, 24 percent of women said they wished they had kept working longer. The reasons they cited included worrying over a lack of money, missing a job they enjoyed, enduring a medical reason for their retirement, or feeling bored or frustrated.
Survey questions about housework and household chores — ever the potential wellspring for marital tension — unveiled an almost comical disconnect between working and nonworking spouses. Of retired men, 80 percent said they had increased their share of housework and chores since retiring — but only 47 percent of working women agreed with that assessment.
“Tension in marriage?” Graham said. “Maybe that’s part of the reason.”
To access the entire survey, click here. To read AARP The Magazine, visit aarp.org.