Do you remember where you were the first time America saw a female breast on primetime network TV? (PBS doesn’t count!) Sure you do. Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” at the Super Bowl XXXVIII Halftime Show was the most replayed scene in TiVO history. The scandal! The FCC complaints! It was so morally outrageous viewers had to see it again. And again. And again — just to make sure they were truly offended.
As Justin Timberlake “accidentally” ripped the latex cup from Janet’s, ahem, otherwise tasteful costume, he heralded the 2004 Year in Entertainment. A year chock full of breasts, celebrity scandals, unfortunate baby names, and ill-fated unions. Oh yeah, some stuff happened in music, movies and TV as well.
A Bounty of Bosom
The Super Bowl “fallout” was only the first forbidden flesh of the year. There were enhancements (Tara Reid) “growth spurts” (Lindsay Lohan) and exposures (Tara, it’s you again, and you brought Courtney Love). “Fat Actress” Kirstie Alley even asked her publicist to breast feed her possum. Britney Spears stayed out of the mammary mayhem for the first time in her career, but don’t count her out.
I Dos and Don’ts
Not one to let down her public, Britney married childhood friend Jason Alexander (no, not “George” from Seinfeld) in a quickie Las Vegas wedding, and had it annulled within 55 hours. Any wedding gifts she received came in handy a few months later when Brit was rejoined in blessed union — this time to future ex-husband Kevin Federline. (She also released a greatest hits LP, but that’s not nearly as interesting.)
In other holy matrimony news: Bennifer called it quits, but before the ink dried on sympathy cards to Ms. Lopez, Jennifer consoled herself by marrying singer Marc Anthony. And whatever will they talk about on “The View” now that co-host Star Jones has finally completed the corporate-sponsored marriage plans she’s been yammering about all year? Jennifer Simpson and Nick Lachey, who recently hosted a “fun-filled family Christmas variety hour” on ABC, are still married — but the ball hasn’t dropped in Times Square yet!
Miserable MonikersGwyneth Paltrow and hubby Chris Martin of Coldplay elicited a collective giggle by naming their newborn daughter Apple. Not to be outdone, Julie Roberts popped out two name-game entries: Hazel and Phinnaeus. Not only is Julia’s first-born son assured a regular beat down, no one will ever spell his name correctly. (Did I? I’m not even sure.)
Proving that you don’t need to have a baby to play creative nomenclature, Madonna told the world that she is taking the Jewish name Esther — and continues to refer to herself as Madonna. But hey, at least Prince stopped being a symbol.
Great Performances
Kudos to Jude Law for his spot-on Michael Caine impression — not his title role reprisal in the “Alfie” remake, but by appearing in nearly every movie released this year. In addition to “Alfie,” there was “I Heart Huckabees,” “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow,” “Closer,” “The Aviator,” and a voice role in “Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events.” I’m pretty sure he’s got a small, uncredited part in “Fat Albert,” but don’t quote me.
So Nice They Made it Twice
Studios were lousy with redundant releases. We had blockbusters “Shrek 2” and “Spiderman 2,” and hits “The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement,” “Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed,” “Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason,” and “Ocean’s Twelve.” Then there was everything else: “Barbershop 2: Back in Business,” “The Whole Ten Yards,” “The Chronicles of Riddick,” and “Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London.” And out this month, the follow up to “Meet the Parents” — “Meet the Fockers.”
Year of the Zombie
Zombie movies crawled out of the pop-culture grave and back onto the silver screen. “Dawn of the Dead,” “Shaun of the Dead,” “Resident Evil: Apocalypse” and “Blade: Trinity” left a trail of twitching body parts across the American landscape. Well, actually, “Blade” is about vampires, not zombies — unless you count Wesley Snipes’ acting.
Also Back from the Dead
With the blockbuster premieres of “Desperate Housewives,” “Lost” and “Boston Legal,” ABC is a viable network once again. And thanks to Fox’s “Arrested Development,” Jason Bateman’s career has resurrected, too.
Crime Time TV
CBS’s “CSI” spread to New York City for its third version of the series, this one staring Gary Sinise. Oddly, there were no new “Law & Order” spin-offs this year (one is coming in 2005, however), though “L&O: Original Recipe” replaced Jerry Orbach with Dennis Farina.
Stranger than Fiction
Yet again the maligned genre of reality TV tells the world, “rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated,” and backs it up with bizarre additions. We delight in familial disharmony with “Trading Spouses” and “Wife Swap” (it might surprise you to learn that these are, in fact, two different programs!) NBC’s “The Biggest Loser” aimed to make a loser a winner. And Richard Branson tried to trump The Donald with his own show, “The Rebel Billionaire.”
Off the Air
“Angel” left the WB airwaves this season, much to the consternation of its small, dedicated fan base. Minor blood-letting compared with the departing fanfare of “Frasier,” “Friends” and “Sex in the City.” This also marked the final year for “The Drew Carey Show,” not that anyone noticed.
No Such Thing as Bad Press … oh wait
Michael Jackson’s got bigger problems than the snarky send up in Eminem’s “Just Lose It” video. Jacko’s legal woes are mounting, but the courts are crowed with celebs these days. Star Jones is being sued for bilking on her gardening bill. Liza Minnelli allegedly forced sex on her former personal assistant. Catherine Zeta-Jones took the stand against her accused stalker. And Martha Stewart was convicted for her role in the ImClone scandal; she now resides in the pokey where her lunch dates are booked solid.
Sing it!
Ashlee Simpson’s “SNL” lip-sync faux pas shocked no one, except maybe Ashlee. Must be embarrassing to get busted on live TV. Some people twirl their hair when they’re nervous. Ashlee dances a hillbilly jig whenever her A) drummer pushes the wrong button, B) band plays the wrong song, or C) gastrointestinal reflux kicks in.
Hey, remember 80s music?No, not that music. After two decades of devout fans lighting candles and thinking pure thoughts, Pixies, American Music Club, Mission of Burma, Morrissey, Prince and The Cure dusted off to tour. Sadly, all this faith and goodwill was lost when Motley Crüe reunited as well.
Other Music Moments
OutKast helped revive the stale hip-hop genre, brought in a bevy of new fans, and won buckets of awards. Meanwhile, the otherwise-successful 2004 Vibe Awards was marred when a man punched hip-hop legend Dr. Dre, and was then stabbed by rapper Young Buck.
Clay Aiken won “American Idol” for the third year in the row. Wait…that’s not right. It just seems like it, as Aiken (2003’s runner up) continues to dominate the world. Fantasia Barrino was the real winner, and has the top selling single of the year to prove it. And one “Idol” reject couldn’t be happier: William Hung. With an LP, an EP and a DVD, Hung has already surpassed many of the finalists.
That’s a wrap
If we’ve learned anything from the 2004 Year in Entertainment, it’s that being a hotel heiress famous for nothing should never hold you back. Just kick-start your career with the release of an “early years” porn tape. Within 12 months, you should have a pop album, a best-selling memoir, your own fragrance, clothing and jewelry lines, and a budding movie career. As Paris Hilton would say, “that’s hot.”
Helen A.S. Popkin lives in New York and is a regular contributor to MSNBC.com.