As we pull ourselves together after last week’s big Tom Brokaw send-off, we must go on with our lives and look to the future. That means trying to predict who will be named anchor of “The CBS Evening News” after Rather ends his 24-year reign on March 9.
CBS News correspondents John Roberts and Scott Pelley have long been considered the in-house front-runners to succeed Rather.
But there’s a big, wide world of candidates beyond.
“We’re almost starting from ground zero,” CBS Chairman Les Moonves said last week. “Anything can happen. We may bring in the cast of ‘Friends.”’
Hmmmm...six co-anchors? Unwieldy. But what about signing any of the out-of-work former stars of “Seinfeld”? They could do a newscast about nothing. (Wait — that’s what local newscasters do.)
A more likely candidate is ABC News’ Diane Sawyer, according to handicappers in a recent Broadcasting & Cable article, giving 5-to-1 odds on the “Good Morning America” anchor.
Other names: “Dateline NBC” anchor Stone Phillips (15-to-1); Lesley Stahl, of CBS’ “60 Minutes” (20-to-1); Lester Holt, of NBC’s “Weekend Today” (20-to-1); and Sawyer’s “Good Morning America” co-host Charles Gibson (20-to-1).
A very long shot for the job, despite obvious skill as a tough interviewer, might be Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. (But would he be a puppet of some special interest group?)
A better bet: Toothsome Sharon Reed, a correspondent on Cleveland station WOIO who recently broke viewing records by doing a report in the nude. (By showcasing her to maximum advantage, “The CBS Evening News” could go pay-per-view.)
Any number of sports stars might click with the “Evening News” audience, but they’d probably fail the drug test. Or “Jackass” self-abuser Johnny Knoxville could keep viewers riveted by blasting himself with pepper spray or setting himself on fire while reading the headlines. But isn’t the news already violent enough?
A far more reassuring presence would be Ken Jennings, who won $2,520,700 on “Jeopardy!” before losing last week. After 75 “Jeopardy!” appearances, he has plenty of on-air experience. Besides, “The CBS Evening News with Ken Jennings” might lure unsuspecting viewers who thought they were tuned to Peter Jennings on ABC.
On the other hand, his “Jeopardy!” income averaged more than $67,000 per hour. He might not be eager to accept a pay cut.
Howard Dean would have wide appeal to viewers who say the news just makes you want to scream. As Dean demonstrated last January in Iowa, he could do the screaming for you.
Jon Stewart has been on a tear as anchor of “The Daily Show,” Comedy Central’s spoof newscast. Everybody loves Stewart. Everybody laughs at his dead-on imitation of a real anchorman.
And since Comedy Central and CBS have the same corporate parent — Viacom — Stewart could just keep on doing “The Daily Show,” which CBS would air, too, in the “Evening News” time slot. Think of the savings when the whole “Evening News” staff is laid off. Now that’s synergy!
Another way to save money: re-engineer the hot new kids’ toy, Robosapien, to preside over the broadcast. Costing less than $100, this little robot could easily be modified to look more telegenic and command a vocabulary beyond its standard-issue “heyyyy,” “yo” and “ouch.” A bit of tinkering and, voila! A bargain-basement Stone Phillips.
To draw younger viewers to a broadcast whose audience steadily skews older, CBS could hire Ashlee Simpson. She could lip-synch the news — then do the accompanying commercials for acid reflux remedies.
Or why not put the decision-making process on the air as a reality show of its own?
CBS could borrow from ESPN’s “Dream Job,” whose winner gets a one-year contract as a “SportsCenter” anchor. Or it could follow the example of Los Angeles’ KTLA, which recently concluded a reality competition called “The Audition,” with 16 contestants vying for the audience’s votes to land the job as weathercaster on the station’s 10 p.m. newscast.
Of course, there’s no reason to go to such drastic lengths. For a newscast trying to pull out of third place and restore its reputation, the answer is as simple as it is obvious: Just bring back the anchorman Dan Rather replaced. After his 24-year hiatus, Walter Cronkite is tanned, rested and still knows that’s the way it is.