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Five-link Friday
Back from vacation just in time for another five-link Friday.
• We occasionally get packages from the TV networks here at MSNBC.com World Headquarters, and there is general consensus that the goofiest, strangest promotional items are always from Fox. One of the oddest boxes this year was a variety of prepackaged food items, from cereal to mac and cheese, with Fox show logos pasted over the actual food brands. The goofiest of this year's free "swag" ("Stuff We All Get") are over at The Onion's AV Club. They got even goofier stuff than we did, including a "Christmas with the Kranks" ham. (Thanks to for the link!)
• It's snowing as I write this, which is normal January behavior for my Minnesota birthplace, but not so much for Seattle, where I am now. Wherever you are, and no matter how familiar you are with snow, you can . Warmer than the real thing, too.
• Want to see how much you make per second? And how that amount compares to, oh, say, what Oprah makes per second? Try and either have fun or get really depressed.
• The New York Times chose . How many have you read? (Free NY Times registration required, or try .)
• And I really should have linked to this a few weeks back, but the Guardian had an interesting piece on the . I knew the Belgian nun who sang killed herself (though I didn't realize it was in a suicide pact), but I didn't know it was only after she left the order, came out as a lesbian, and struggled with drug and tax woes.
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Of bad commercials, vanilla toothpaste and more
Before taking a short holiday break, I just wanted to thank everyone who's read Test Pattern over the past year. I've enjoyed writing about the goofy little bits of entertainment and Web culture that seldom make it into the newspapers, and I've also enjoyed reading your e-mailed comments.
Here are a few of my favorite topics from the past year:
See you in 2005!
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More movie walkouts
Turns out I'm far from the only one who's voted with my feet and walked out of a bad movie.
The funny thing is, of course, one person's walkout film is another person's favorite film of all time. Think of your absolute favorite film, the one you rave about and have seen over and over. I'll bet you dollars to donuts that someone sent it in as a film he or she walked out on. My favorite film, "Diner," doesn't seem to have been mentioned yet, but considering what a talky, sometimes confusing film it can be, I wouldn't have been shocked to see it there. (And at least one person walked out on "Fargo," which I loved.) In fact, many of the filmmakers who regularly get raves from the critics (Woody Allen, the Coen Brothers) showed up on our walkout list.
Sometimes we walk out on films because it's not what we expected -- many parents mentioned supposed "children's films" that featured bad language or scary death scenes. Sometimes a friend convinces us to go, as with the poor friend of a Molly Ringwald fan who writes in about "Fresh Horses." Sometimes it's just not the right time and place: It's hard to sit through a three-hour historical epic on a sunny day. And a lot of us, me included, have a very low tolerance for graphic scenes, especially rape or scenes where animals and children are put in danger. Yet often we'll take the graphic scene if it's integral to the plot, as with the D-Day scene in "Saving Private Ryan" (although at least one reader left that movie for that very reason).
Years ago a friend and I rented "Robocop," which tons of viewers adore. We were absolutely unable to get past the scene where Peter Weller is brutally killed. I've seen since other snippets of the film, including the famous "You're fired" scene, and am sure there is much more to it. But on that day, with that friend, neither of us were able to tolerate the brutality we were seeing on the screen, no matter how necessary it may have been to the plot.
Here are some of the movies you walked out on, or wished you had. Thanks for sharing them.
The Money Returns“The worst ever would have to have been ‘The Mummy Returns’ I tried to see it twice and both times there was a projector error and I opted for free movie passes. Well the third time being the charm, about a half-hour into it I decided to see the "Money Returns" and upon my insistence it was returned posthaste. I finally have had the opportunity to see the rest of what I missed via lazy afternoon cable viewing and I can say it is just like my last blind date, damn I'm glad I walked out on that one.” –Steve-O
Thanks a lot, Jar-Jar“I worked in a movie theatre for about five years and one of the perks was free movies. …Then one fine Friday night, I went with a good friend to see ‘Star Wars Episode 1.’ I got about 2 minutes into Jar Jar's first scene and looked over to my friend and without even speaking to each other, we got up and left. This horrible movie has since spawned a new movie-going-me. Now I walk out on anything bad and I think everyone should." —CB
That’s Not Incredible
“My wife and I must be the only people on the planet that didn't like ‘The Incredibles.’ It was so bad, we walked out. I don't like to walk out on movies, but we were so bored, we left.” —Scott
Chris Rock is wise" ‘Natural Born Killers’ -- oddly enough, another Stone film. I've come to see Oliver Stone's recent films as a corollary to Chris Rock's "Who says you can't hit a woman. You can do ANYTHING! You could throw a' old man down a flight of stairs! You shouldn't! But you COULD!" Well, just because Oliver Stone CAN make these films in the self-indulgent manner he uses, doesn't mean he SHOULD!” —Dan
Molly Ringwald let us down“Immediately after watching ‘Fresh Horses’ (1988), featuring Molly Ringwald, as if awakening from a stupor, I commented that it was the absolute worst film I had ever seen, and that I should have walked out during its course. I remember regaining near-consciousness at least once during the film, with the urge to run screaming through my mind, but my co-viewer and best fried was in love with Molly, so we sat ever so still until the very end. I must say, he got over his love affair that day and never looked back.” —Andrew
Close to walking out“The film ‘Closer’ made me come this close (my thumb and index finger are roughly a quarter inch apart) to walking out. The only reason I stayed was for the (unintentional, I presume) comedic delivery of cliche lines read by pathetic characters. Watching Jude Law's blubbering over losing an unfaithful lover was painful to endure. My friends and I were unsympathetic to the characters and found their actions (and rationalization over their behavior) pitiful. Had we not been having a good laugh at such an uninteresting script and morally depleted characters, we would have walked out.” —Terry
Hulk Sleep!“Not physically walked out...just mentally. I took my teenage sons and their cousin to see ‘The Hulk’ when it came out a while back. After about a half hour I curled up in my seat and dozed off...intentionally. I woke up an hour later and it seemed as if I had not missed a thing. What a slow, plodding, pointless movie. I tried to suspend my disbelief for that first half hour but decided I needed a nap more.” —Scott
Oui oui“I can remember walking out of only one movie in my lifetime - I'm gettin' up there -- and it was Jerry Lewis' ‘The Bellboy’ -- or was it ‘The Bellhop’? What does that tell you? I'm probably the only Frenchwoman who could not abide Jerry Lewis.” —Jeanne
Thanks, kid“I was thinking of walking out of ‘Jurassic Park 2,’ when I was thrown-up on by a 10 year old. Then I officially walked out. I think it was the T-Rex escaping onto the mainland that got the kid sick, cause I would have walked out at that point anyway.” —Jon
Meet the Stiller“I didn't walk out, because I had rented the DVD, but I did turn off 'Meet the Parents' about halfway through the movie and returned it for a different movie. It was quite possibly the dumbest movie I've ever seen. Ben 'I haven't found a role I wouldn't take' Stiller is highly overrated, and not terribly funny either.” —Joe
Garlic to a vampire“My walkout film of choice was ‘The Fifth Element.’ I like sci-fi, I like action, I even like Bruce Willis. But when the unforgivably annoying Chris Tucker opens his mouth, I wanted to stuff my popcorn bag in it. His character, a hybrid of musician Prince and, well, of course, Chris Tucker speaks in a high pitch, uber-fast mumbling fashion. It was to me was like what garlic would be to a vampire. I lasted all of about 45 minutes, then had to bail.” —Frank
Sometimes it’s the audience“Sad to report I walked out on ‘The Piano.’ … Five minutes into the film, four 30-year-olds plunder into the theater, spread across the middle of the almost empty theater, commence with the 150-decibel cellphone-removal ritual and then the loudest guy in the group says, no, shouts, "SO..NOW...WHAT'S THIS MOVIE ABOUT?" Get your hat Betty. As we trod sadly back up the aisle, the other guy was shouting, "IT'S ABOUT THIS PIANO." We went and lit a candle to whomever invented the DVD. And stabbed a dozen pins in our doll of the cell-phone inventor.” —Hans
Alexander the Not So Great“I forced myself to sit through ‘Alexander’, in its entirety. I was profoundly tempted to exit when it became apparent Oliver Stone was dead serious in passing off Angelina Jolie and Val Kilmer as Colin Farrell's parents. I stuck around to see if it could get any worse. It did!” —Anonymous
“I applaud you for walking out on ‘Alexander’. Unfortunately, I kept the optimistic attitude that the movie would eventually get better, so I stuck it out until the end. If only I had known! I assure you that you made a wise decision. Even the poor security guard couldn't bear to stick this one out! He was the first one out the door!” —Dana
“I wish I had walked out of ‘Alexander.’ Those are hours of my life I will never get back. We saw it using movie gift certificates given to us so it cost us nothing and I STILL feel like I was cheated.” —Donna
“I completely understand your pain and, in fact, experienced it more so because I actually sat through the entire three excruciating hours of ‘Alexander.’ The worst part was that there were three people in my party and none of us were enjoying it, yet we all stayed. By the time credits rolled, I couldn't even keep track of the numerous times I had checked my watch. I could have had a better time watching paint dry.” —Amanda
“I recently saw ‘Alexander’ and I agree with your comments. The scenes you described and many more could have been cut out of the final version to at least make the movie flow more quickly. Can you imagine what the director's cut will be like with the scenes they did decide to cut?” —Chris
“Yes, when we initially learn of Alexander's father's murder, it happens off-screen. But that's because we see it later in its entirety in a flashback. I didn't like the movie at all and I'm not saying you should have sat through the rest of it. I wish I hadn't. However. If you're going to talk about a movie you walked out of and trash it for a particular reason (such as his father's death occurring off-screen), you should at least ask someone who's seen the film to make sure you've got your facts right. That's sloppy writing.” —John
“I'm mystified that you sounded irritated at the snake scene and the horse buying scene, but you wanted to see a murder scene? Obviously, you were in a hurry to get out into that sunshine!” —Anonymous
Other walkouts (just a sampling):"2001: A Space Odyssey”"American Beauty”“American Pie”"A Beautiful Mind”“Christmas with the Kranks”"Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights”“Eyes Wide Shut”“Final Destination”“Freddy Got Fingered”“Godfather III”“Klute”“Jeepers Creepers””The Lady Killers”“Legally Blonde 2”“Monster”“Ocean’s 12”“The Passion of the Christ”"Pay It Forward”"The Royal Tenenbaums”"Van Helsing”"Scary Movie”“Solaris”"Stepford Wives”
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Walking out of a movie
Last Wednesday was my birthday, and to celebrate, I did something I can't remember doing before: Walked out of a movie.
Oh, OK, it wasn't my intention to walk out of a movie when my husband and I decided to go see Oliver Stone's "Alexander." Sure. I'd seen some negative reviews, including , but then again, I'm a strong believer in deciding for myself when it comes to movies. (I like , after all, hardly the "Citizen Kane" of movie genres.) I liked "Gladiator"and "Troy," I'm a fan of historical fiction, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Maybe my first clue that it wasn't meant to be came when, though my husband had clearly specified "two for 'Alexander,' " the ticket-seller sold us two tickets for (We only noticed when we were wandering aimlessly around the multiplex, wondering why the theater number on our ticket didn't match up with any of the theaters marked "Alexander.")
But we eventually found the right theater and the movie began. And then the clock started to tick backwards, and ice crept over the surface of the earth, and vines began to twist across the mall parking garage. In other words: This movie is excruciatingly slow. I won't give away too many spoilers in case you haven't had a root canal lately and decide to simulate the effects by going to see it, but let me just share one thing. We watch an entire scene where Angelina Jolie plays with snakes, another where a young Alexander gets a horse, and yet when Alexander's father, the king, is murdered, it happens off-screen. Because, well, we need more time for that scintillating horse-buying scene.
I didn't walk out of "Alexander" because it was the worst movie I'd ever seen (After all, I've seen It wasn't even the worst movie I've seen in the last few months (that honor goes to the universally acclaimed which I found sad but horrifyingly indulgent).
But it was a beautiful sunny day, and I was an hour and a half into a film that I wasn't enjoying one bit, with the knowledge that there was at least an hour and a half left to go. And it was my birthday. So I made that rare decision to walk out, without even bothering to argue about getting a refund. It's possible if I ever catch the end of the film on late-night cable one day I might watch a little bit more just to see the war elephant scene I understand I missed, but overall, I don't regret my decision one little bit.
How about you? Have you ever walked out of a movie in progress? Or, looking back, was there a film or two you should have walked out of? Movie-goers of the world, unite! We have nothing to lose but our boredom.