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Blogging ‘Apprentice’ finale
Three hours? Three hours of polo and basketball, of Carolyn rolling her eyes, of Jenn and Kelly getting flustered? And worse yet, three hours ? (One bright spot: The O'Jays singing the theme song live!)
I'll be blogging the highs and lows of "The Apprentice" finale live. See if I'm right (picking Kelly) or if Andy's right (picking Jenn).
8:01: Sheesh, they really are going to rehash every single task. Heh, they didn't play the part where Trump said Mosaic's team name was an awful name.
8:02: Aw, I miss Bradford. At least he was kinda funny. And that asking if the proceeds could be donated to the charity was Kelly's nicest moment, I think.
8:03: Kelly kinda lucked out with that QVC pricing, and Pamela losing over $10 just hurt. Heh, remember when the women were on a multiple-task losing streak?
8:04: That really was a gorgeous shot of Jenn in the Levi's ad. Did I miss it, or did they just not ever show how Ivana kind of wormed her way into Kelly and Kevin's clique?
8:05: Maria, you're fired. Heh, just can't hear that enough. Maria, you're FIRED. But I missed Andy, and I still think firing him for being outshouted was one of Trump's lamer decisions.
8:06: Ugh, I could have gone my whole life without seeing Ivana take off her skirt on Wall Street ever again.
8:07: How boring are the four business execs? Yawn. When I hear Unilever, I always remember that it's the same name as the band that Neil had in Real World London, when he got his tongue bitten partially off by a fan. I wonder if some of the execs had military backgrounds themselves and were inclined to give Kelly the edge because of it. Not that there's anything wrong with that. My dad's a Marine, and all. Semper fi!
8:08: Jenn and Kelly's shared attribute? They both have an eerie calm around them, which sometimes makes me wonder if they really know what's going on.
8:09: Raj, I was iffy on you this season, but you always, always, kept my attention, even when you were changing a four-bedroom house to a three-bedroom. I'm glad you're back. The race to the scoreboard thing was hilarious, especially that shot of Kelly peering out the window wondering what his team was up to.
8:11: Was Pamela eating while she called the NBA? She sounded like she had a mouthful of Oreos. Classy.
8:12: "Running" one of my companies. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
8:13: I love this theme song. Also, it's funny how just as they show Maria, the O'Jays sing "..bad things."
8:16: Like Trump, I adore Chris's Boston accent. "You don't tell me you're not going to be heeee-yah."
8:17: Ooh, Jenn: "That's on Chris [Webber's] conscience!" I'm sure it'll keep him up nights. That and counting his money.
8:18: Such drama! Ladies and gentlemen, no one will be during the scintillating gift-bag scene. I am entertained by how little Kelly's team cares about how well he does. I stuffed envelopes for a project as a kid and even I could tell them how to line up the stuff and get each bag completed quickly.
8:19: Carolyn called Kelly "robotic." Agreed, but this is nothing new. He's been this same way the whole time.
8:20: I agree with Kelly's team, actually. Why not hire some temps to make the gift bags, and why doesn't Jenn hire some too, to stay up all night printing out signs? Wait, didn't someone come up with this idea of hiring temps early in the season? Why yes, it was Stacie, and she was roundly mocked for it.
8:21: Raj and John are breaking the tent! And the sign! That's OK, a three-bedroom sign will surely impress the sponsors more than a four-bedroom.
8:22: I suddenly almost like Kelly. For once, he's admitting he did things wrong. But this argument about the goose and the frog is like something out of "Wind in the Willows." If they're babbling now, what are they going to be like when the polo starts?
8:23: Heh, "wait for Magellan and crew to get back from wherever it was that they were lost." Was John this entertaining pre-firing, or is he just getting good now that he has nothing to lose?
8:27: Time to plug the charities! Hey Pamela, your shirt doesn't fit. Sounds to me like Jenn piled a lot of work on Pamela's plate, probably because she senses that Pamela won't Raj out on her and break things.
8:28: The Genworth ladies are a little snippy, no? I wonder if Trump encouraged them to be that way. "Go on, give her a hard time, see if she flips out." They're not giving George a good report at all.
8:29: Those signs Jenn spent so much time on are pretty lame. I think a 13-year-old with a working knowledge of Photoshop could create much more professional signage.
8:30: Wow, Elizabeth actually seems to care about how the tasks plays out! What a change. Has Raj been yelling all night -- why is his voice pulling a Peter Brady?
8:31: Kelly wants them to be nice. Yeesh. Play nice, kids. "Talk about the next solution set." Well, that's meaningless business-speak for "come up with something else." But Raj seems satisfied, so.
8:32: More product placement! X-Box guy is pretty darn mellow comapred to the Genworth types. But Jen's lounge doesn't look that hot to me. And ... now the TVs go dead! I tell ya, Trump is sneaking around pulling plugs. Now X-Box guy is not so mellow, he's bluntly telling Jenn to "fix the problem." Also "we need to take care of the things YOU committed to." The editors of this show must have loved cutting this segment together.
8:35: Ah, the logo on the field raises its ugly head again. The logo will scare the horses! Well, yes, but so will Trump, and they're not painting him green. Seriously though, this issue came up way, way early, and I am kind of irked that Kelly didn't deal with it then. Whoa, I'm talking like Carolyn.
8:39: Ah, the power is back on. And the horses are still scared.
8:40: I still think that Kelly should have known about this way before. Also, I don't know what the logo is that they're talking about. I keep thinking he means Wisk laundry detergent.
8:41: David Stern, the NBA commissioner. Not exactly as exciting as a player. Isn't there one bench-warming guard that had a day off and could have shown up to play some X-Box, say a few sentences and leave?
8:42: The Trump Copter! Now, the Trump Golf Cart! And children run after him as if they are starving and he is tossing them gold doubloons. And ... wow, Stacy is SHORT. But Jenn is playing this well, asking Trump is center court is OK and if he needs anything else. Very obsequious. Eh, Pamela, I don't think Trump cares who walks the mike out to David Stern. So far, Jenn is seeming pretty darn competent.
8:48: Pamela acts as if she has never heard of the NBA or ever seen a bit of a pro sport of any kind. Heh. "It's a small box, you'll be able to get it yourself," Jenn says to Stacy. Was that a short joke? Pamela looks like she has a smile frozen on her face.
8:50: Whoops, Trump is on his way back to the Trump-Copter, no VIP reception for him. Jenn, maybe there were some things that should not have been delegated.
8:52: Meanwhile, it's sunny back at PoloLand. Raj, who has been oddly dressed all season long, is perhaps perfect attired for polo.
8:53: "I want 'em to move FASTER." Trump, trying to run things even from the air. You know, here's what I don't get about this show: You could go on "Survivor" and win a million dollars and never have to do anything but 39 days of plotting. Or you could go on this show, where what you win is a headache-filled job working for Trump. Uff. Which one would you choose?
8:54: Heh, Kelly spotted "the bright pink tie of Donald Trump." And two of his chairs are broken. This is the second season of this show, you almost think the finalists would learn that it matters less how the tasks comes off as it does how obnoxiously Trump is catered to.
8:58: This is an odd auction. No wonder it's not doing so well. Thankfully this big tall guy seems to be running things in a way Jenn could not handle. I appreciate her bidding on someone's shoe, though.
9:00: They throw out a ceremonial ball at Polo? Better than throwing out a ceremonial horse, I guess. What I know about polo I learned from seeing pictures of Prince Charles falling off his horse, so that is to say ... nothing. Kelly obviously knows as little as I do.
9:01: Kelly doesn't have a VIP reception for Trump either? So maybe Jenn won't look as bad by comparison. Weird that they gave about five times as much air time to basketball as to polo.
9:02: See, I think this is all staged. Someone messed up the restrooms on purpose. "It looks like six goats threw up in the bathroom," says Tony Bennett's manager. Poor John. Euw, did we really need a shot of the unflushed toilet? This show has found its nadir.
9:03: Raj, I hope you washed that hand first, after going from cleaning up oozing garbage to shaking Mister "I Left My Heart"'s hand.
9:04: This VIP luncheon looks pretty classy, actually. Why isn't Trump here again? Tony B's still got a good voice after all those decades of singing. Heh, Raj and Elizabeth dancing is pretty cute. Not that Raj would ever flirt with anyone.
9:05: George sounds pretty pleased with Jenn, but will Trump be too hurt by his lack of special treatment? And Carolyn seems to love Kelly, too. Overall, these tasks went off incredibly smoothly compared to last year (Omarosa).
9:07: Kelly quotes Kipling! You naughty boy, have you ever kippled?
9:10: Man, this music. Is it Vangelis? Sheesh. I also think the two finalists are delusional when it comes to what this win would do for them. I mean, is Bill Rancic lighting the world on fire? I hear hardly anyone .
9:12: Boardroom. Trump looks sunburned and crabby. Pamela is hardly giving Jenn a rave review. She's still mad about losing over $10. "Congratulations on a job...done," says Pamela. Stacy loves her! See, for Trump, it's all about how he was treated. Forget the other VIPs and Genworth. Jenn should have sat in his lap the whole time. Hey, Stacy made a good point! Do you want her to work hard? Trump for once had to give in to little Stacy!
9:15: I'm liking Elizabeth more and more. Hire her! Yeah, those millionaires felt posh, especially when eight goats threw up in the bathroom. Raj thinks no one should have this job since he already got fired. Raj would hire Kelly, but not spend much time with him. The feeling's probably mutual, striped-pants boy.
9:21: Jenn could win it all, but then again, Trump's still suspicious of her under-the-radar flying. I think Trump likes boardroom yelling, but not now. Chill out, Jenn. Also, George? Bill is not out there building that Chicago skyscraper and placing each brick with his bare hands. Sometimes delegating is OK.
9:24: Good one, Kelly. Smart to say you're a Raj fan even after being faced with the fact that he hates your guts. And good one, Carolyn, on how Kelly needed to get out from behind the computer. Kelly is handling the boardroom much calmer than Jenn did, though. Jenn, Jenn, Jenn, don't question his integrity. Trump shouldn't hire either of these people if they're going to catfight like that.
9:26: Ouch. Kelly's "I seek the leadership positions, I don't shirk them" was a straight shot at Jen's project-manager avoidance.
9:27: Personally, at this point, I'd hire Kelly, because he's stayed above the catty fray more than Jenn. But Trump has shown repeatedly that he likes, even encourages, people to attack each other. Witness the firing of poor Andy. So while I'd take Kelly, it could go either way. But I don't think Trump should give in and hire Jenn just because he hired a man last time and wants to be politically correct. He's got at least two more seasons of the show on the way, there will be great diverse candidates aplenty.
9:31: George wants fire! Fire, fire, fire! Just like Beavis! He thinks Jenn is "abrasive." Yeah, that's one word for it. Carolyn likes Kelly.
9:33: What do YOU think? Yes, you, Lincoln Center audience. Sheesh, this is CORNY. Now they're going to do the wave! They love them some Kelly, just like . "Last year, I had Bill and Kwame, and they were both exceptional." Yeah, and this year you have Kelly and Jenn, and they are both yawn-inducing.
9:34: Sheesh, Regis already? Yeah, I can see he had no idea Trump was going to call him out. Not ready in the least.
9:35: Bill thinks they're both winners. Sure he does. I like Bill, but can't he take some of his yoooge salary and get a decent haircut? Oh wait, he's working for Trump. You can't out-hair the hair.
9:36: Heh, Alan (Allen?) also goes for Kelly. Unilever guy speaks. Wouldn't it be great if they went and got Neil from RW London instead? Oh, OK. Just pick it, Unilever guy. Another one for Kelly. Jenn looks ticked. This Matthew guy looks like he should be coaching the Chicago Bears. I love how he forgot why he doesn't like Jenn. You're fired, Matthew.
9:39: All the people so far like Kelly. Of course, you could also note that they are all men, except for Carolyn. And ... another man, the wonderful Troy. Trump's going to look like a bit of a dolt if he ignores them all and goes with Jenn. Finally, they go to a woman for her opinion...and it's Amy. Whoa, nice outfit, Amy. Did you get that at the Zsa Zsa Gabor garage sale? And she goes for Kelly too.
9:41: Yay, we all clap for the military. And here's Kelly's former colonel. It's very "This Is Your Life!" I liked the finale better last year when the cheese was toned down somewhat. I also kind of wish they'd cut back to the couch and Jenn would just have left, thrown in the towel. Whooo! Let's hear it, San Diego! Are you ready to RAWK?
9:43: Jenn's boss is trying, but it's got to be too little, too late. Clap louder, New York law firm. You were out "woooooed!" by a San Diego bar.
9:50: Sheesh, they're having the "Apprentice" reunion before they even announced the winner. Apparently, Ivana is wearing a suit made of graph paper. I love how Trump does not understand Wes's answer, because ... neither do I. Aw, Andy. Cute as ever. Raj is loving the extra attention. Andy likes Jenn because she made him more a part of things. John doesn't look so great with that plaid checkered shirt. Hey, John had the same thought I did: Why didn't Jenn just walk off a few minutes ago? Sandy, yikes. You look like a trellis. I hope you don't sell that outfit in your bridal shop. But right next to her is Kevin, wearing a tie made of Fruit-Stripe gum. Pamela's hair looks like mine in seventh grade when I thought you just could kind of bend your hair with a curling iron, not necessarily curl it.
9:55: Man, they know how to draaaaaaag this show out with all the filler, including "unforgettable moments" we've already forgotten.
10:00: The Jenn clip reel. Aw, and the Levi's guy who was totally fooled by her and thought she created the jean-fit wheel that she never even understood. I agree with Sandy, moving to San Francisco to take a six-figure job is hardly risky. They are so introducing Jenn first because she lost.
10:02: The Kelly clip reel. How come his two graduate degrees didn't count against him like Kevin's did? Ah, the fashion challenge, where the men's designer was beyond clueless. I still don't think the hole in the Pepsi Edge bottle was the smartest thing since sliced bread. Oh, look at Kelly's smile, he so knows he won. Hey, there's Stacie J in the back row! They had three hours and they didn't talk to her?
10:04: Give her this, Jenn is good at this. She's prepped for this boardroom like she did her LSAT. (But didn't her red velvet gelato lose? So much for her Southern heritage, y'all.) Magna cum laude, Jenn? No summa? Come on, ya slacker. Also, quit reciting your resume. Woo, president of her sorority, that qualifies her.
10:07: Kelly's voice is shaking. It's his to lose. All this blathering about schools is so, so boring.
10:08: I'll give Jenn that, she did come off early on as the sanest woman on a team of "Mean Girls." But she can't coast on that forever. Trump wants Kelly to interrupt, and he is just too polite to do it. The trial lawyer in Jenn is coming to the fore.
10:10: Trump doesn't like either of them. Woo, Kelly gets it! Thankfully they didn't make us wait the full three hours to find this out. Poor Regis, he now has to talk to Ivana about her brilliant skirt-pulling-off decision. Well, it was a poor final two, but out of the two, the best Apprentice won. And Kelly, good luck to you working for Trump. You'll need it.
• Dec. 14, 2004 | 1:30 p.m. PT
Readers respond
Thanks, as always, for your thoughtful responses to topics raised in Test Pattern. Here's a handful of reader responses on the latest hot topics.
On Martha Stewart's new show requiring celebrity and audience interaction:
• "My sentiments exactly! I watch(ed) Martha to learn about gardening, recipes, crafts, and interesting field trips. She is a master in her abilities in being able to relate to the subject at hand. Whenever she has had a guest expert, Martha was much more absorbed in the project than the person showing how to do it. She is enthusiastic for the education, but not the educator. The old formula worked, that is how she amassed so many viewers. Her show was not broke — they should NOT try to fix it." —Marge
• "Martha is a mentor for all women, despite her recent events in prison (how stupid did that sound?). She is perfectly suited for the “Martha Stewart Living” show. The talk show would be a fiasco. I’ve seen her on David Letterman and it appears she does have a fun side. But not enough to carry a successful talk show. We love you the way you were and still are — Martha. Don't change a thing. (Yes, you broke the law, but you’re only doing time because you’re a powerful woman in a still male-dominated society) Thanks for being you." —Jane
• "Asking Martha to have guests and questions and an audience will lead to a very unhappy Martha (which I don’t think anyone wants) and probably an unsuccessful show. I saw the episode where Cookie Monster was “helping” Martha make cookies. I almost died laughing. Cookie Monster was being just as helpful as any 4 year old on the planet and Martha almost strangled him. Can you imagine if she had someone like Jim Carrey on her new show? She would lose her mind. Even when she had experts in whatever come to give a segment she cut them off as soon as she politely could so she could get back to doing things her way — which worked for her." —J
On the movie trailer for the new "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" remake
• "Gene Wilder’s Willy Wonka always seemed a bit sinister to me,(I was beyond the “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” demographic for the book)but after viewing the preview, Johnny Depp’s version with Tim Burton in charge, looks positively evil. I can’t wait!" —Judith
• "I disagree with your comments about Johnny Depp and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I saw the preview in the movie theater and it was downright scary. Johnny Depp (whom I normally love) looked ultrafeminine and tripped out on acid. They did something to distort his cheeks and mouth. I personally think this movie will give kids and adults nightmares." —Sara
On the "Survivor" finale• "We have watched all of the Survivor series. I agree that this is the most BORING of all of them. We (for the first time) could not even find anyone we wanted to root for as winner! If there was such a person, they were voted out early. I hope they do a better job of picking personalties. My husband and I are watching it out of habit and just a little curiosity!"
• "Eliza and Julie are surprised that someone lies in “Survivor”??? Where have they been for 9 seasons?" —Lee
• “Okay, for the last time, I’ll go get the votes.” “I’ll go GET the votes” ?Hey Jeff... isn’t it “I’ll go TALLY the votes” ?AAAUUUGGGHHH! He just messed up the whole show for me!"
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Blogging the ‘Survivor’ finale
Seems obvious, but if you don't want spoilers, STOP READING here.
So Chris, Scout, Twila and Eliza are in the "Survivor" final four. I can't think that, back when this season began, I would have picked a single one of them to make it this far. I might have picked Brady, probably Sarge, maybe Chad, possibly Ami or one of her minions, but Chris, Scout, Twila and Eliza?
Andy Dehnart and I , but like the majority of people , we're picking Chris. Follow along here starting at 8 p.m. ET as I blog the finale live, and you can see just how wrong we may be.
Let's blog.
8:00 p.m. ET: Here we go with the rehashing. This may take a while, so get your drinks and take those bathroom breaks now.
8:01: Heh, I kind of forgot about the women sitting out the tribal ritual or whatever. They really were aiming for a gender break right from the start.
8:02: Brook? I so don't even remember him. But it is interesting that Chris looked like a weakling from day one. Mia? I forgot her, too. That earthquake was a little anticlimactic, methinks.
8:03: Give thanks Bubba didn't make final four. Can you imagine how filthy that Bob Barker T-shirt would have been? Oh, and also the "think about the merge!" thing ... so, so stupid.
8:04: Aw, Sarge, I liked you. You were gone too early. Remember when the Ami alliance looked as unbeatable as the 1972 Miami Dolphins? Yeah, that was a while ago.
8:05: I'm so sick of people whining about Twila "going back on her word." This is "Survivor," everybody goes back on his or her word.
8:07: Eliza, I'm hoping you don't win just because you were so thoroughly taken in by Ami. You'd probably write her a check for half your winnings.
8:08: This rehash is so, so long. Let's scroll over to and see if we get any clues as to who will win from their name meanings. Hey, it's at least as scientific as . Twila means "third," heh. Is that where she'll rank tonight? Eliza is from Elizabeth, meaning "consecrated to God." Nice and all, but no clue there. Scout ... is that her real name? Anyway, the meaning is "First Explorer." Interesting that both Scout and Twila's names have rankings in their meanings, but there's no way Scout is coming in first except maybe first to go to the hospital tent. And Chris, which we'll assume is short for "Christopher," means "Christ-bearer." So two biblical names, and two possible hints. (I had no idea "Twila" meant "third.")
8:11: Commercials. Finally. Hey, an ad for "Amazing Race"! Now that's a great show.
8:13: Finally, new stuff. Chris is more ticked at Julie than I thought he would be. I was almost going along with all those e-mailers who were convinced Chris and Julie had a secret alliance. Oh, Eliza, quit it already with whining about how hurt you are that Twila said you don't deserve to be there. And Twila, drop it already.
8:15: Twila: "The only reason you're here, Liza is that everybody's used you up to this point." Although the same could be said about the other three, no? And hey, Twila, watch the language! It's just 8 p.m., can you say the B-word on network TV? This is not "NYPD Blue," my friend.
8:16: Chris, you should quite possibly shut up with the "I don't think much of any of the women." You've proven to not always be so good about not being overheard.
8:17: Eliza is as shocked as I am about the identities of the final four. What is that on her head? Bindhi or bug bite, bug bite or bindhi? She's praying for Chris to get immunity if she doesn't? Yeah, I'm sure Scout and an injured Twila will give him a run for his money.
8:18: A vertical maze? Ouch. Also, I may be getting old and dumb, but I rarely understand these challenges the first time they explain them. I hope they actually take more time to go over them in person.
8:19: Oh great, Eliza gets points by just following Twila. Twila's gonna punch her in the mouth if that continues. Twila's leg must be feeling better, she seems to be ruling this challenge. Poor Scout, she knows she can't even compete, so she just kind of goes at a leisurely pace so as to not kill herself. She has 3 now while the others have 8-9.
8:21: A two-word puzzle. This could take them forever. Chris shows some brainpower and spells out FINAL THREE with his Alpha-Bits. This was no surprise, but he was so delighted I felt happy for him. This show moves so much faster than and it's just much easier to follow along. Regular episodes go intro, challenge, discussion, challenge, tribal council, boot-off, end. "Apprentice" episodes just drag.
8:24: Heh, an ad for that infamously product-placed Folger's Home Cafe coffee thingamabob, in which they still fail to answer the question: How the heck do the Survivors run that thing with no electricity? And how impractical is it to make one cup of coffee at a time, anyway? Although, not that they have anything but time on their hands anyway.
8:27: Aw, Vanuatu really is a beautiful place. And Scout just keeps on being chipper even though she never, ever, wins anything herself.
8:28: Chris, Twila and Scout hug. Where's Eliza while this is going on? Twila asks Chris if that means she doesn't have to pack her bags. Oh, don't be so sure. Sheesh, Twila keeps dropping the B-word, there, nice. Since when is Chris her "darling"? I think Twila could be too overconfident here. Also, Chris, that shirt with the sides cut out does not showcase you to best advantage. Yeesh.
8:30: The return of Eliza's pink and brown bikini. And now she's trying to win Scout over. Scout claims she thought about voting for Twila. Yeah, in the same way she thought about cutting off her own leg she did. Keeping Twila around helps almost anyone since she is hated by so many jury members.
8:32: Tribal council. Jury enters. Ami, is that a boa around your neck? Too bad it's not a constrictor. Wait, who shaved his head? Is that Chad? Eliza just looks skinnier and skinnier, it's really kind of scary. I wonder if once these guys get home they gain the weight back instantly, or if it takes a while.
8:33: Yeah, Twila, you feel at peace because you're already counting down Eliza's last minutes.
8:34: Jeff tries to draw out the fact that Chris has made friends with everyone remaining. But Chris continues to be able to handle that kind of thing without making himself look bad. He should teach Twila something, because she continually brings up the swearing on her son's name thing herself, instead of letting someone else do it.
8:35: Yeah, Chris is giving up immunity. NOT. What a stupid game invention that was, to even ask. Has anyone ever done it? Also, is that the best speech you can come up with Eliza, comparing Twila to a cockroach under a refrigerator? Thought all day, and that's what ya got?
8:36: Eliza rolls her eyes. This vote is so not a surprise. No one sitting there can be in the least surprised. No one on the jury can be surprised. No one on Pluto could be the least surprised.
8:37: "I was shocked," that Chris wrote [her] name down, says Eliza. Oh. Puh-lease. How is that a "Pontiac Potential Game-Changer"? Pontiac should ask for their money back.
8:41: Post-vote gloating. Although Scout pointing out how much quieter it is with Eliza gone was kind of funny. Do we really have another 80 minutes-plus before the reveal?
8:43: Jeff visits the three, still yakking about the Roy Mota story. They're going to the taboo island from that story to do the traditional "ha, suckers" visit to torches memorializing the booted-off Survivors.
8:46: Wow, I really, honestly, barely remember most of these people. Sarge was about my favorite, I must say. He was amazingly mellow for a drill sergeant, too. Aw, Chad, there is nothing bad to say about you. With one leg, you did so much better than most of your colleagues in the physical challenges. Sheesh, gratuitous wet bikini shot of Ami. Sometimes the "Survivor" camera guys must just love their jobs. And Eliza won the car. Didn't there used to be a car curse, where if you won the car, you never went all the way to the end?
8:51: OK, the paying tribute to the chief was kind of touching. There is still an aspect of this show that fights hard to recognize the lands they play on as more than just scenery. Sometimes it's corny, sometimes it's glossed over, but sometimes it works.
8:55: Final immunity challenge. Isn't it always balance/endurance? No! It's bow and arrow. No! It IS endurance: Hold an arrow drawn in a bow as long as you can. You let go, the arrow flies, you're out. Well, that at least eliminates any fights over "did I let go? no, I didn't!" Poor Scout. I give her 30 seconds, maybe. Poor lady. And, Scout is out. Are Twila and Chris going to cut a deal? Chris obviously wants to go to the final two with her, no? She's much more disliked by the jury. Chris, Chris, Chris, quit with the deal-making and just outlast her.
9:01: So far, this is going (and everyone else who paid any attention) predicted. Ho-hum. Is this predictability going to drive off viewers from next season, or will people forget by then?
9:06: Aw, what a compliment. Chris to Twila: "You're probably the toughest chick I ever met." Chris could probably win it all with anyone, but come on, Chris, why are you all upset about Twila and Scout and whether they're honest at this point? Take whoever the jury hates most to the final two, and that's Twila. I hardly think that many people think Twila outplayed you.
9:10: Scout is just too darn nice. She doesn't deserve final two, much as I'd rather hang out with her than with Twila. Somehow I bet if Scout WAS allowed to vote, she might vote out herself anyway. Too. Darn. Nice.
9:12: Heh. "I'll go get the vote," Jeff says. The one vote. And it's a predictable one, but it makes the final two much more fun. Can you imagine a Scout-Chris final two? Yawn. I imagine Ami is already sharpening her fangs to slam into Twila.
9:20: Day 39. Finally. 40 drawn-out minutes to go. The two highway-repair people made it to the end. Whether they take home $100,000 or $1,000,000, that's got to be a lot more than they've ever made out on the highway. It's nice that they actually have real jobs that require them to work hard. I feel better for them taking home a fat paycheck than I would have if, say, neurologist Sean Keniff had won his season. (Not that that was bloody likely. Remember Dr. Sean and his alphabet-voting strategy?)
9:23: Chris, I just doubt that the booted women care if their women's alliance has worked at this point. It obviously didn't work for them. Still, I appreciate you trying to throw some suspense on the fire, dude.
9:25: Tribal council. Jeff, that brown shirt is being seen as much on you as the Bob Barker shirt was on Bubba. And you have no excuse, you've got to have a more extensive wardrobe than he had.
9:27: Chris starts talking and instantly sounds like he didn't prepare. I don't know if the women are going to feel you made points with them by bragging about how you overcame them.
9:28: Twila: Quit mentioning your son, already! That's going to get brought up soon enough. They should have some under-the-table reward for the jury member with the nastiest speech or something (should have? maybe they do).
9:29: Early commercial break to draw this out for as looooooooooong as possible. I still am not convinced that printed Pringles are the best thing since sliced bread.
9:31: Ohhhh kayyyyy. is this a joke along the lines of those constant parody ads for "Tiny House" or whatever? Or is is really a reality show with the slogan "the potpourri is about to hit the fan"?
9:33: Sheesh, cover the kids' ears. Eliza is fuming and the B-word is flying. Chad, or whoever the bald guy is on the jury, is cracking up, and who can blame him? Love how she crosses her arms and demands an apology. Heh, Twila: "All I said was you talk too damn much, and you do." HA! This is not bad. Twila is winning it for Chris, right here. She's not about to apologize to Eliza, not even for $900,000. Chris, however, sucks it up, and he's just won Eliza's vote.
9:35: Julie crying already? Sheesh. Chris may end up taking this 7-0. I keep hearing that Chris and Julie had a friendship that just never got shown, and I kind of believe it, after watching her react so tearfully. IT'S A GAME, PEOPLE! Why the story? Because he wanted the million dollars, DUH! Uh-oh, Chris is getting mad/sad now. He might lose Julie's vote after all.
9:38: Leann. Wow, she looks great. Twila however has her buff rolled on her head in such a way that she kind of looks like the . And I think Twila is really being fairly honest in this final tribal council, and her characteristic bluntness might hurt her. But then again ... why is Leann acting as if the women's alliance is still going on?
9:40: Ami. This oughta be good. She's wearing a black dress that gives her that kind of portrait neckline that some high-school seniors wear in their yearbook photos so they'll all look alike. She's dogging Twila for not apologizing for the million. "you had 100% of my loyalty." Ha! HA! That might be the biggest lie tonight. Of course, Ami makes it all about her: She wants Chris to address why she's not in his position tonight. Yeesh. And he sucks up to her nicely. Wow, Twila apologizes, but STOP IT WITH THE SWEARING ON YOUR SON already. "Twila? You flat-out lied to us." "Ami? You flat-out lied to everyone." Twila tries to tell Ami she's colder than Ami and that's why she's in the final two. Somehow I don't think that helps.
9:43: Chad! I missed Chad! And he is the bald one, turns out. Heh, Chris brings up the money. I can't believe the jury don't go after that question more, saying "What would you waste the money on?" or something.
9:44: Sarge. Whoa, that shirt hurts my eyes. It looks like an American flag got sucked into a fan and they randomly sewed the pieces together as the fan spat them out. "Cast your son's name straight to hell?" Oh, please. She can get her son a pretty nice car with even the $100,000, though. Too bad they didn't let Sarge watch the show where Chris lies that Sarge asked him to vote him off. "Give your vote to Twila," says Chris. Whoa.
9:46: Scout. She still likes Twila, and she's not that mad at Chris, either. Yawn.
9:47: Well, there was no Sue Hawk "rat and snake" speech, now was there. Who knew that Eliza, not Ami, would be the harshest jury speechgiver?
9:52: Final speeches. I don't know if anyone can change the jury's minds at this point. And Twila, you're unlikely to do it saying "I didn't worry about your feelings...people kill for less than what we're playing for." Going after Sarge? She is so handing the game to Chris. She'll get Scout's vote, but that might be it.
9:54: Is Chris going to address everyone personally? He brought Julie's hat? What? The CBS bleeper is being kept busy, that's for sure.
9:56: They're voting FOR a winner, not for the person they want ousted. Do you wonder if anyone has ever gotten confused in the last minute? Sarge, I really don't think you psyched out anyone. This should be an easy win for Chris. I still think Scout might be her only vote. Wait, what? AMI voted for Twila? Is she controlling her clique, still? This could be more interesting than I thought.
9:58: Jeff will go get the votes and then fly off to LA. Remember the helicopter hanging-on from before? Will he do that again? Heh, I love how they have him take a torch and chop through the woods with a machete. Crocodile Dundee Jeff! This part is always so corny, but I love it anyway. Hey, they stold that line on the map from "The Amazing Race"!
10:00: Hee! Skydiving Jeff! Someone's been watching a little too much "Rebel Billionaire." And now he's hopping on a motorcycle with the votes. Heh. This kills me. I especially love the impression that he biked from sunup to sundown through the mighty streets of LA. That shirt must be smelly about now.
10:01: I hate the whole live audience thing. But at least they're not pretending this is the real tribal council place anymore. Wow, Twila looks completely different. Chris, however, looks the same.
10:02: Chris. Chris. He's got to be freaking. Twila. Twila. I bet that's all she gets. Chris. CHRIS. Did he just say F--- as his first response to winning? Wow, his brother (I assume that's his brother) looks like someone from "Beavis and Butthead." I can't even gloat about , because really, Most Predictable Survivor Finale Ever. Will they make things livelier for next season? Will they let us recover for almost a year before they spring another season on us, or will they pull another "All-Stars" and try to squish two "Survivor" seasons into one year? Will they try upping the ante next season by having Jeff Probst orbit in from space with the vote urn? Tune in much, much later for the answer to these and other "Survivor" questions, but as for me, for now, my torch has been snuffed. Thanks for Surviving!
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Five-link Friday
• The "Survivor 9" finale airs Sunday night on CBS (yours truly will be blogging it live in East Coast time right here). But will viewers be tuned in to the latest from Vanuatu to see , or will they be ? With all the buzz about reality TV, it's interesting to see ABC's "Desperate Housewives" powerhouse, a scripted show, threatening one of reality's big names. (I'll be watching "Survivor" of course, but TiVoing "Housewives.") And I'm glad my job doesn't depend on the "Survivor" ratings, as I wouldn't be surprised to see it beaten by the women of Wisteria.
• Speaking of scripted shows that have been huge hits, that on Monday's "Two and a Half Men," Charlie Sheen's character, Charlie Harper, will become the target of an angry Web site, CharlieHarperSucks.com. CBS was smart enough to snatch up that URL and . Reminds me of "The Simpsons" episode where Bart and Lisa discuss the Web site , and "Simpsons" writers had smartly already created that site as well.
• isn't even over yet, but a few months back, I was at a Seattle shopping center to discover long lines wending around the parking lot. Were those people in line for a deal at a certain store? No, they were in line to audition to be tormented on "Apprentice 3." And now NBC is looking for applicants/masochists for "Apprentice 4," announcing that semi-final interviews will take place in February. Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the boardroom. The , but it says "Apprentice 2" in the URL still.
• After seeing the live musical version of John Waters' "Hairspray" this fall, my husband and I were talking about whether the musical version would be made into a movie. , in 2006. So "Hairspray" will have gone from movie to musical to musical movie. I've always thought that the lyrics Tracy sings in "Good Morning, Baltimore," one of the best songs from the musical, were about John Waters and his career, and now I think that's even more likely. "Good morning Baltimore / And some day when I take to the floor / The world’s gonna wake up and see / Baltimore and me..."
• I admit I was kind of concerned that Hollywood was remaking the classic "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." I like to hold on to my childhood classics, not rethink them — I didn't even like it when they for "Harriet the Spy" (). But after , I'm kind of looking forward to seeing Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka. The film looks recognizable with that unique Tim Burton twist, and Depp looks to do Gene Wilder proud.
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Let Martha be Martha, Oprah be Oprah
I admit it: I'm a fan of Martha Stewart. Not a groupie, but I get a kick out of her show, magazine, and empire. I own her books, subscribe to her magazine (what? there's always a chance I'll need to know how to make a croquembouche.). I personally didn't feel any safer with Martha off the streets and in jail.
So I was proud that, even from behind bars, Martha was thinking and wheeler-dealing. It was announced yesterday that when she does get out of prison, she'll have a , complete with celebrity guests, a live audience, and the help of "Survivor" honcho Mark Burnett.
New TV show for Martha? Yay! Live audience, celebrity guests, and Mark Burnett? Oh, no, no, no, no. no!
I just want to yell: No! This is all wrong! Has anyone at NBC ever seen Martha's old show, when she would occasionally take calls from viewers or work with relatives or guests? Martha's a genius in many ways, but she's never been accused of being a people person. (Hold your angry e-mails, I really am a fan of the woman.)
When I've seen Stewart interacting with others on "Martha Stewart Living," she seems awkward, stiff and eager to move on to a segment that's just Martha and the turkey, or Martha and the gilded eggs, or Martha and ... whatever. And that's OK! Not everyone has to be Oprah. Oprah's great on her show, and her empathy with her audience is an integral part of her success, but Martha is an individualist.
Her strengths involve her own incomparable style, the way she often over-does something (and sometimes appears to go completely nuts). She doesn't just serve a holiday dinner, she raises her own herbs, gathers eggs from her own chickens, serves it all on gorgeous china set on a table with an elaborate centerpiece. There's a reason that when , so many people thought entries like "Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself." were real.
I just don't think Martha's unique style depends on her taking questions and making small talk with celebrities and an audience. That's not why she's the homemaking legend. No woman is an island, except perhaps Martha.
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Cheesy movie lines
I just loved the story about a British poll picking the . I've seen 8 of these 10 films, which might say something about my personal movie tastes, but that's beyond the point.
Of course I have opinions about the actual lines chosen."I'm king of the world!" is cheesy indeed, but is it really even the cheesiest line from "Titanic," let alone from all films?
For the cheesiest line from this list, I'd go with "You had me at hello," which does make the list, or the even cheesier, but inexplicably omitted "You complete me" from "Jerry Maguire."
"Today we celebrate our Independence Day," from, duh, "Independence Day," is a wee bit cheesy, but actually was kinda sweet.
I have to admit to having actually seen both "The Postman" and "Waterworld," I have no argument with any Kevin Costner lines that might find their way onto this list, including the one that actually made it. And I'm not arguing with any lines spoken by Demi Moore, Andie McDowell, Val Kilmer or Julia Roberts, either.
But come on! "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" is number two? That legendary line is so useful in so many ways that I just can't defend its inclusion here, despite any original cheesedom.
What's interesting to me is that a really good actor can take almost the cheesiest line and deliver it in such a way as to save it. My husband's a huge fan of a certain line from "The Shawshank Redemption," the one about how you'd better "get busy living, or get busy dying." And yet, especially as delivered by the amazing , comes off as absolutely cheese-free.
Cheese, apparently, is all relative.