From the outside, Jimmy Connors looked to have it all. At the top of his game, he dominated the tennis court and was a household name. But privately, he was second-guessing himself and his abilities. In "The Outsider," Connors reveals his struggles with doubt and the pitfalls of fame. Here's an excerpt.
Out of the Shadows
I’m 29 years old and for the last three years people have been telling me I’m finished, washed up, done.
That doesn’t sit well with me. I’ll say when I’m done and I’m not done yet. I haven’t even reached my peak. Screw ’em.
It’s 1981 and I lost my hold on the number one ranking in the world in the previous year, and even though I’ve claimed 17 titles since then, I haven’t won a major tournament. There’s an element of doubt creeping into my daily training: Do I still belong? Can I still compete at this level? I’m not winning. I’m being pushed onto the back burner. That’s hard to take.
I’m up, I’m down. I think I’m good and then I don’t win. I get up every day and do the right things, but the results aren’t improving. I’m getting to the semifinals, and I’m losing matches I should win. Not good enough. Winning lesser tournaments along the way is fine, but it’s not the majors and that’s what I’m looking for. Anyone else in those years would have been content with my record—but not me and obviously not the media. This has been the most frustrating three years of my career.
“You’re not going to reach your prime until your thirties,” my mom keeps telling me. “My prime? What the hell, Mom? What was the last six or seven years about?”
“You wait,” she says. “You haven’t played your best tennis yet.”
My wife, Patti, our two-year-old son, Brett, and I are living in North Miami at Turnberry Isle, Florida. We moved down from Los Angeles for the tennis, but distractions are everywhere. This is a playground for the wealthy. Rich people come here from all over the world for the gambling, discos, restaurants, golf, and—I’m guessing—drugs. In the evenings I can go down to the courts and play tennis against guys who bet $5,000 a set they can beat me if I play them right-handed. Guess what? They can’t. The extra cash is nice, but the fun and laughs is what it’s really all about. But I have only one thing on my mind: reclaiming my position at the top of the tennis world.
I continue to work my ass off every day, practicing two and a half hours in the morning with the Turnberry Club tennis pro, Fred Stolle, a former Grand Slam champion from Australia. He stands in one corner of the court and hits the ball to the opposite corner so I have to run the whole width of the court in order to return the shot. Then he moves to the other corner and I do the same thing from the other side. Then Fred comes up to the net and stands over on the right side so that my forehand passing shots have to go up the line and my backhand has to go crosscourt. Every drill I do is designed to replicate a situation I’m going to face against my toughest opponents. I’ve never hit a shot in a match that I haven’t practiced over and over.
Later in the day I play a couple of sets with my longtime friend David Schneider, a former top South African player, who practices with me whenever I want to fine-tune what I worked on with Fred that morning. Afterward, David and I have a Coke and relax as buddies. It’s nice to let tennis go and be able to talk about other things.
It’s difficult balancing tennis with family life, my friends. When I’m with my family, I feel like I’m slighting the tennis. When I’m practicing, I feel like I’m slighting my family. When I get up at 6:30 a.m., Brett is eating breakfast and watching The Smurfs. I want to spend time with him, but I know I have work to do on the court. When I’m playing tennis, I feel I should be spending time at the pool with Brett and Patti. There are conflicts everywhere I turn. When friends visit, I want to go out and have fun with them, stay out late, but then I am slighting both my tennis and my family. If I go down to the restaurant for breakfast I’ll see 10 people I’m obliged to say hello to and that will hold up my day.
Mom is on the phone. I talk to her at least 10 times a day. This may sound like a lot, but Mom is also my business manager. My schedule is made six months in advance, so not only is she “checking in” as a mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother; she is letting me know about commercial offers, upcoming tournaments, and all the numerous details involved in my career.
If any of the calls lasts more than a few seconds, it’s because she knows I’m having problems. She’s concerned about me. I have to push myself further than I want to, train harder, practice longer. I’m older and things don’t come as easily now. I don’t mind the physical part. It’s getting into the right mental state that I find tough. I haven’t been winning the way I expect to, but I have to find a way to act as if I am, so I won’t talk myself out of it. I don’t want to fall into that trap of saying, “Oh, shit, maybe they’re right. Maybe I am finished.” I have to find my self-confidence, even though I’m not sure where I left it. Things aren’t working out for me, so to get myself through it I have to be twice as arrogant. That’s how I’ll cope. I can’t go out there and just be half-assed; I’ve got to go all the way. I have to be prepared, I have to be in the best shape possible, and my game has to be ready.
Excerpted from THE OUTSIDERby Jimmy Connors.Copyright © 2013Jimmy Connors. Excerpted by permission of HarperCollinsPublishers. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher