What did you get dad for Christmas last year? Be honest. A tie? A pair of pajamas? A brass desk thingie with green felt on the bottom?
How about mom? Some cheap perfume? A pair of slippers?
What did you get for brother or sister? A wallet? A purse?
If you answered yes to any of these, or anything like them, you are among the gift-challenged. You are hopelessly mired in gift-giving myopia. Symptoms include laziness, apathy and a lack of imagination.
But there is hope. It comes in the form of a rectangular box containing the wonders of digital technology.
This Christmas season, the DVD is the new tie, the new pair of slippers. It will widen eyes and produce smiles — depending on the movie, of course. If you have lousy taste in movies, if you believe deep in your heart that “Gigli” will find an audience someday, you should probably go with the pajamas.
The DVD landscape is more lush than ever, so take a stroll through it. This way, you can conceivably get all your gifts in one stop. Here are some suggestions to make it even easier, you lazy bum:
What a thrill
If you know someone who enjoys spending two hours on the edge of his seat, you have two choices: buy him a new chair, or get him a thriller on DVD.
“The Bourne Supremacy” is just out. Matt Damon reprises his role as Jason Bourne in the hugely successful spy yarn. It makes the perfect companion piece to “The Bourne Identity,” which came out earlier this year. Bourne has amnesia, so he has trouble with details. But whoever you buy these for won’t forget you.
This month “Collateral” also is out on disk. Jamie Foxx plays a cab driver who picks up a hit man played by Tom Cruise, then balks when dead bodies pile up. And it isn’t just a matter of charging him extra.
One of the best thrillers in recent years is “The Manchurian Candidate,” the remake of the John Frankenheimer classic. Denzel Washington stars as a soldier who returns from the Gulf War and has lots of dreams that include Cup O’ Noodles. There’s more to it than that, trust me. While you’re at it, pick up the original starring Frank Sinatra, then watch and compare.
A gaggle of giggles
Just for laughs, check out some DVDs that will cause that special someone to ROTF and LOL. That’s internet talk for funny.
This month, “Anchorman” comes out. Will Ferrell stars as an insufferable TV talking head from the 1970s who gets his comeuppance and becomes a better man for it. If you can get past the fact that this never happens with real TV anchormen, you’ll enjoy this DVD immensely.
Ferrell also is equally goofy when he dons a green suit and cap as the title character in the Christmas laugher, "Elf."
Also this month is “Dodgeball,” in which, incidentally, Ben Stiller wears a hairstyle almost as raccoon-like as the one Ferrell wears in “Anchorman.” In “Dodgeball,” Stiller and Vince Vaughn help turn a kids’ game into a bloodsport. Now that I think about it, most kids’ games are bloodsports these days.
On the quirkier end of the comedy scale are “Napoleon Dynamite” and “Garden State,” two indie hits with some subtle laughs and some offbeat characters. “Napoleon” is about a nerd, while “Garden State” is about a grown-up nerd who comes home for a funeral and realizes he isn’t such a nerd after all. And if you’re the type who dresses in black a lot, spends entire days in coffee houses and wears sunglasses when they’re not necessary, check out Jim Jarmusch’s “Coffee and Cigarettes.” It’s a scene, man.
Let’s have an adventure
For the swashbuckling daredevil in your life, there is nothing better than getting him DVDs so he can sit on the couch and watch other people do exciting things.
This Christmas season, “Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” will be the hot item among those looking to indulge in fantasies. It’s the third and final installment in Peter Jackson’s magnificent adaptation of J.R.R. Tolkien’s trilogy. You can either buy the “Return” singleton, or wait and snatch the super-duper boxed set with all three movies and every featurette ever made between here and Middle Earth.
Another doozy is “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.” It might be better suited for younger minds, but immature grownups will appreciate it, too.
“The Ultimate Matrix Collection” also figures to create buzz. It has all three movies, plus gobs of goodies. It contains a total of 10 disks. In order to watch it all, you’ll either have to quit your job, or ignore your family.
There are some others worth mentioning, although I’ll leave it up to you if they’re worth watching. “Van Helsing” and “The Chronicles of Riddick” have A-list leading men in action roles with lots of special effects and little story. But let’s face it, sometimes you’re just not in the mood to think.
You’re a classic
I’m sure you’ve heard older folks in your life say something like, “They don’t make movies like the used to.” Maybe not. But those movies they used to make? They’re making DVDs of them now. So tell grandpa to back off and go make some popcorn while you put on a great movie.
One of the big sellers this holiday will be “Gone With The Wind.” Producer David O. Selznick called it “the most beloved movie of all time,” so you can be sure the two-disk special edition will produce lots of kisses and hugs during Christmas gift-giving.
But there are many others to consider, some new releases and others that have been out for a while, that are sure to satisfy your favorite film snob. Consider “Citizen Kane,” “Dr. Zhivago,” “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre,” “Patton,” “A Place in the Sun,” “Spartacus,” “Lawrence of Arabia,” “Taxi Driver,” “The Godfather” and “Chinatown.”
Just about anything from the Criterion Collection will keep a cinephile enraptured for hours. Two new releases are worth noting. One is Fritz Lang’s “M,” his masterpiece about a child molester on the loose, and “King of Kings,” Cecil B. DeMille’s silent film about the life of Jesus Christ. “The Battle of Algiers” and Ingmar Bergman’s “Fanny and Alexander” are also splendid choices.
Totally tubular
Since the DVD revolution began, studios have been emptying out their archives and putting just about every TV series ever created on digital disks to ensure maximum profit. There is a boxed set for every taste. There are even boxed sets for those with no taste at all.
HBO shows are among the most popular on pay TV, but you don’t have to sit around and wait for a rerun of your favorites at 3 a.m. anymore. Each of the first four seasons of “The Sopranos” are available. Ditto for the first two of “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” the first of “The Wire,” the first of “Carnivale,” the first two of “Six Feet Under” and all of “Sex In the City.”
But if you’re too cheap to spring for cable or satellite, and you like your television the good, old-fashioned network way, then check out “Everybody Loves Raymond,” the first two seasons; “24,” available through season three; both “Star Trek” and “Star Trek: Voyager” (for what it’s worth, the old “Star Trek” DVDs come in extremely cool boxes); and the entire run of “Frasier.” If you’re ancient, you might appreciate “The Andy Griffith Show: The Complete First Season.” In case you haven’t heard, Opie is directing now. And don’t forget “Friends,” seasons one through eight, as well as “The West Wing,” Nos. 1-3.
Perhaps the crown jewel of TV series on DVD is “Seinfeld,” the first three seasons. You can buy seasons one and two, and season three. Or, if you’re a complete “Seinfeld” kook, you might think about the special gift crate that includes seasons one through three, plus goodies like a deck of “Seinfeld” playing cards, a salt and pepper shaker set from Monk’s Diner, a mini-script with Larry David notations, yada yada yada ...
Animate me
Are you tooned in? Sometimes you have no choice. The little tykes are yammering, you need some peace, so you pop in a DVD, sit them down and enjoy a few moments of sanity before the next tantrum.
For this occasion, may I recommend some of the many choices in the Nick family, including Dora the Explorer in “Dora’s Ultimate Adventures,” a three-disk set, and Jimmy Neutron in “Attack of the Twonkies”; Strawberry Shortcake in “Best Pets Yet” and “Adventures on Ice Cream Island”; anything from the “I Spy” series, including “A Thing That Flings”; and, of course, the old fallback always sure to get a chuckle, SpongeBob SquarePants in “Sponge for Hire.”
But be honest. There’s a little enfant terrible in all of us. If you’re old school, look no further than “Looney Tunes Golden Collection, Volume Two.” It’s a four-disk package of restored and remastered classics involving your old pals Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, the Road Runner, Sylvester and Tweety, and Yosemite Sam. If that’s not quite cool enough for you, then consider “Top Cat: The Complete Series.” Yes, he’s the chief. He’s the king. But above everything. He’s the most tip top. Top Cat.