Think you had a tough shopping list? Imaging trying to buy a Christmas present for a mega-star. What to get for someone who seems to have it all: fortune to spare, fame galore, and the best bod that money can buy?
If, by chance, a tabloid fixture has ended up on your shopping list, fret not! We have prepared this super-duper, easy-to-print gift guide to the stars. It will come in handy if a celeb ends up on your Secret Santa list.
Paris Hilton – For those moments when she’s exiting the car legs akimbo, how about some no-frills, cover-the-booty undies (think Hanes for Her) that will leave something to the viewers’ imaginations (though paparazzi everywhere will mourn).
Naomi Campbell —A handy little book — “Angry All the Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control” by Ron Potter-Efron —will make her bruised personal assistants grateful.
Elton John — Soap and a toothbrush to cure his unfortunate case of Potty Mouth.
Ashlee Simpson — Singing lessons. Backup gift: Lip-synching lessons.
Tara Reid — Double-sided tape like Jennifer Lopez wears to help prevent those embarrassing wardrobe malfunctions. Back-up gift: A splash of cold water in the face.
Michael Moore — A make-over from the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy crew.
Lindsay Lohan — An extra-support bra.
Martha Stewart — A Monopoly set. (Make sure that the “Get Out of Jail Free” card is intact!)
Madonna — Blue and white wrist strings, to braid with her red one, so she can sell albums in the red states.
Bernie Kerik — A time-travel machine so he could go back to a couple of months and simply say “no thanks” to the Homeland Security job.
Liza Minnelli — A punching bag. One that doesn’t sue.
Oliver Stone — A script in which the corrupt guys lived in a year A.D., not B.C.
Colin Farrell — A hit movie. Backup gift: eyebrow tweezers.
Angelina Jolie — Laser tattoo remover. Back up gift: A book of baby names. (There were reports that her adopted son Maddox was going to get a brother named Gleb. Help Angelina, before she names again.)
If we’ve left out your favorite celeb, here are a few gifts that just about any star would love:
A top-secret disguise kit, consisting of dark glasses, a baseball cap, and a t-shirt or jacket emblazoned with said star’s name.
A miniature dog to tote around like a handbag, guaranteed to make the celeb look like a caring, nurturing person. (Note to friends of Mickey Rourke: This gift works best for gals.)
A mechanical, wind-up publicist that repeatedly declares, “That’s not true, and if you print it, I’ll sue, and just make sure his/her name is spelled correctly.”
Mondays through Thursdays on MSNBC.com