As families across the country tuned in to the legal battles over Terri Schiavo's treatment, many have asked how they can prevent a similar situation. In an attempt to make these difficult conversations easier, author Susan Piver has written a guide for parents and children. She was invited on "Today" to discuss "The Hard Questions for Adult Children and Their Aging Parents: Facing the Future Together, With Courage and Compassion." Read an excerpt.
How can we find the courage to contemplate the death of our parents? How can we be with them as they age? No matter how close or distant the relationship, it seems almost impossible — not to mention undesirable, upsetting, depressing, and so much more — to imagine life without them. Why would anyone want to spend time thinking about such a thing? Or, even more unthinkable, talking about it together?
Some answers to those questions emerge when we begin considering what is likely to happen if we don’t think or talk with our parents about their aging and death. There are consequences ranging from the practical (do they have debt?) to the emotional (is there anything we might later regret not having talked about?) to the spiritual (what prayers or rituals would they like me to observe on their behalf, in the moments or days following their death?). Ignoring these issues out of fear, denial, or procrastination can set us up to “miss” (or misinterpret) both our own and our parents needs, hopes, fears, and longings as we contemplate, and they themselves reconcile with, their life’s inevitable end.
Beyond these reasons — the practical, emotional, and spiritual — there is another consideration in thinking about our parents’ life and death, and talking with them about it all. Whether our relationship is emotionally healthy or unhealthy, nourishing or unwholesome, reciprocated or unrequited, asking these questions is every child’s opportunity to honor his or her parents for the gift of life given. If the relationship has been close (and there is usually at least some feeling of warmth, even in unhappy relationships), it is an opportunity to concentrate one’s gratitude into the essential gifts of time, attention, and loving kindness. If the relationship has been more painful than not, if one harbors feelings of fear or anger (and even in the healthiest families, there is always some of this), it is an opportunity to transcend the relationship to which you’ve grown accustomed, and, if only briefly, to establish one that is sane, gentle, and appropriate for this time in both your lives.
Asking "The Hard Questions for Adult Children and Their Parents" is as profound a journey in courage and compassion as we can ever make. The first step toward accepting this challenge is to allow ourselves to feel our own feelings and agree to engage the feelings of our parents. This is actually the most courageous thing you can do — not to mention a practical, uplifting, and dignified way to serve your parents and honor your relationship during their aging and death. Without this — the courage to open to events as they transpire — it’s unlikely we will be able to give what is required from moment to moment.
In choosing "The Hard Questions" for this book, I focused on issues both practical and spiritual. There are questions about finances, legalities, and housing. There are questions about religious beliefs, relationship issues, and legacy. In asking these questions with my own parents, I have found that it is impossible to separate the practical from the spiritual or emotional because, invariably, when you consider a question such as “Who would make decisions for you if you were not capable of making decisions for yourself,” both practical considerations and spiritual values and beliefs rise to the surface. Practical considerations might include assigning responsibility for executing the appropriate paperwork and/or contacting experts or advisors who can help you execute whatever decision your parents make. But at the same time, no matter what those decisions might be, other important questions arise: questions of affection (who do your parents feel close to) and of values (who do they really trust). Even questions that seem purely pragmatic (“Where are your important papers kept?”) can arouse very deep feelings and longings. Perhaps your parents are ambivalent or worried about disclosing the contents of one document or another, and telling you where those documents are kept may open the door to those feelings of discomfort. Or, for both of you, this question may evoke issues of trust, failure, fear of loss of control — or none of these. It’s important, though, to be aware of the emotions that might accompany even the most straight-forward questions. Similarly, so-called spiritual questions, such as “What are your beliefs about the afterlife,” can actually have practical implications in terms of burial rituals, choosing a funeral officiant, and so on. So don’t be surprised if seemingly simple questions result in profound discussion, or if deeply sacred questions lead to conversation about finances, logistics, or other such worldly topics. This idea — that the practical and the spiritual are not separate — is in fact at the core of "The Hard Questions for Adult Children and Their Parents." At no time will this be more evident than when you and your parents are relating to end of life issues together.
Excerpted from “The Hard Questions for Adult Children and Their Aging Parents,” by Susan Piver. Copyright © 2005 by Susan Piver. Published by Penguin Group. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt can be used without permission of the publisher.