Today in "Parenting Weekends" we continue a series of excerpts from “Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” the most recent book by “Today” show contributor Dr. Ruth Peters.
Law #17:
Don’t Reason with the UnreasonableOne of the most important rules of kid human nature is that they can be flat-out unreasonable, and then blame you for not automatically seeing it their way. Don’t take it personally; in fact, you don’t have to take it at all! Set your rules, feel guilty about it if you must, but take a stand and don’t budge from what you know to be right for your kid.
“One of us has to go” was Stacey’s comment as she and her 16-year-old son, Peter, settled into my office. As a single mom, she enjoyed the ability to call the shots with her kid, but she definitely didn’t like the responsibility of having to constantly wear the black hat. Apparently, Peter, as he grew older, wanted greater privileges and freedoms but was less than thrilled with the increased responsibilities and consequences. Lately he had been on a campaign to prove to his mother that as a high school junior he should be allowed to choose his activities and run his own life. As Peter put it, “Every one of my friends has no curfew and they can go to parties even if the parents aren’t home.” I counseled Stacey that if that was true, her son had no business hanging around with a bunch of unsupervised thugs. Most likely, though, Peter was exaggerating their freedoms a bit.
His current onslaught centered upon trying to convince his mom to let him spend the weekend with a friend, one whose folks were scheduled to be out of town during the stay. Peter and Stacey were close to fisticuffs over this issue and wanted me to act as mediator in deciding what he should be allowed to do. Should Stacey permit her 16-year-old to spend the weekend with a friend in an unsupervised situation? Absolutely not! You’d have to be nuts to leave two teenage boys alone for a few days. Stacey knew that, but why couldn’t Peter see it? I asked Stacey what she thought would happen if I lined up 100 parents in my office and asked them if they’d give permission to their own children. I informed her that most, if not all, would look at me as if I were loopy and irresponsible for even asking and would respond with a resounding, “No way!” So why do Stacey and I have one perception of the request (crazy) and Peter has such a different perception (fine idea)?
It’s because he’s 16 and immature, a place where Stacey and I haven’t been in quite a while. What we perceive as sensible may be seen as nonsense to a teenager, and vice versa. From Peter’s point of view, the parent-free weekend sounded like a great idea — hey, two guys can take care of themselves and what if a few friends just happen to stop by? No big deal — they could handle it. From the teen’s point of view, our concerns were frivolous. On the other hand, Stacey and I knew from experience that a few kids without adult supervision is a recipe for disaster. Even if their intentions are noble, things could quickly get out of hand. Many a party has occurred by spontaneous combustion — one kid mentioning to another that the folks would be gone and before you know it the little get-together has blossomed into a full-fledged free-for-all. Anxious or annoyed neighbors may call the police, and kids who didn’t plan to get into trouble are now in over their heads. Stacey noted that she had witnessed this firsthand as a teen herself and therefore was cautious about letting Peter flirt with trouble.
But talk as we may, Peter wasn’t buying into our logic. That’s because you just can’t reason with the unreasonable. From the kid’s point of view, his mom and I were being overprotective, super-cautious fuddy-duddies who probably never partied in our lives. This wasn’t the time or place for Stacey or me to argue that point with Peter. My goal was to teach Stacey the concept of not trying to reason with the unreasonable. And she also needed to grow a spine, a sturdy backbone that would help her stand up to her cantankerous son in the future.
When Kids Just Don’t Get ItThe fact was that Peter didn’t get it because Peter didn’t want to get it. Sure, he felt he was capable of keeping the weekend at his friend’s house down to a dull roar, but he didn’t want to think of what could happen if the football team showed up and a few kids landed in the slammer for underage drinking, vandalism, or trespassing upon the neighbors’ property. Peter preferred to dwell upon how much fun a parent-free weekend would be. All of our reasoning, cajoling, and fact presentation didn’t seem to make a dent in this thick-headed teen!
So Stacey had to make a unilateral decision. She really didn’t want to let Peter stay in an unsupervised situation, but as a single parent she didn’t have anyone to pass the “No, you can’t do it buck” to. Upon my suggestion, Stacey listened to Peter and together they made a list of the pros and cons of the proposed adventure at his buddy’s house. It went something like this.
Pro:
- No folks telling us what to do
- Eating whenever and whatever we want
- Having friends over at will
- No folks telling us what to do
- Cleaning up right before the parents return, but not on a daily basis
- Sleeping in
- Watching television and renting videos
- No folks telling us what to do
Con:
- The whole high school stopping by and an instant party emerging and getting out of hand
- Something getting broken
- Something getting stolen
- Drugs on the scene
- Potential arrests
- Peter getting grounded for life
Following that exercise, Peter was still grumpy but had realized that the free-for-all may just not be worth it. He eventually acquiesced and invited his friend to spend the weekend at his home. Stacey allowed the guys to have a few buddies over, and Peter did have a great weekend in spite of the disagreement with his mom.
However, had he not seen the light and compromised with his mother, I would have advised her to just say “no.” The message is this: At times there may be no reasoning with the unreasonable. Parents must call the shots and if the kid is angry, so be it. You are not there to be his buddy — he can find plenty of friends at school or in the neighborhood. You are there to be his mentor and supporter, and to set limits on his behavior. You should try to offer reasonable solutions, and to use techniques such as the pro/con list that Stacey and Peter employed.
To be fair, you do want to try and understand his perception of the situation. Make sure that you’ve listened well to your kid’s request, considered it fully, and determined that your response is reasonable. If it is, stick to it, but don’t expect him to be happy with your answer. He may really believe that you’re the unreasonable one for not seeing things his way.
But to try to make him see the world as you do is a waste of time — so when the horse is dead, realize that it’s time to get off! Once you’re sure that he has heard your side of the issue and that your mind is made up, move on. Let your child stew for as long as it takes, but don’t keep banging your head against the wall trying to convince him that you’re right and he’s wrong. Remember, from a 16-year-old’s viewpoint, you may be wrong, unfair, or just plain stodgy and out of touch. To expect your child to reason as you do would be to ignore the differences in your age, experience, and wisdom.
Living the Law
Understand kid human nature. This is what makes kids so unreasonable — what kids don’t know is often significantly more important, greater in scope, and more meaningful than what they do understand. The problem is that many children think that they know it all and that the bill of goods you’re trying to sell them is just some parenting plot to make life easier for you and more miserable for them. That’s part of normal kid human nature.
Realize that they’re just kids. Don’t be surprised when your years of wisdom, mistakes, and experience fall upon deaf ears. It takes a while to get through thick heads and defensive attitudes. And some kids just seem to have to experience the pain before they begin to understand and finally get it.
Don’t get angry. Since you now understand kid human nature, you should no longer be getting so irritated and can begin to understand why your idea of sense may be perceived as nonsense to your child. There’s no point in getting frustrated with kid self-absorption, lack of common sense, or a seeming inability to learn from experience or lecture. You can’t change this.
Sit the kid down. Listen to his desires and see if a compromise can be reached, as in Peter’s case when his friend spent the weekend at his house.
When the horse is dead, get off. If you’ve tried reasoning and your kid is still irrational or has a bad case of the attitudes, just move on. Set your rule, whether it’s saying no to a sleepover at a beer-drinking bash, riding a scooter in the street without a helmet, or your daughter wearing lipstick in second grade. If it isn’t reasonable within your family’s code of values, then it isn’t going to happen.
Become a benevolent dictator. If you can’t come to a comfortable compromise, then revert to Law #4, take on the benevolent dictator role, and cast the final vote!
NEXT WEEK: Make praise appropriate, not addictive
Dr. Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to “Today.” For more information you can visit her Web site at . Copyright ©2004 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.