If your child has ADHD, you know that some days are harder than others.
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder is a mental disorder classified into three types, according to the Mayo Clinic: predominantly inattentive, predominantly hyperactive/impulsive or a combination of both. Once a medical diagnosis is established, families can use treatment plans that may or may not include medication.
Some children with ADHD usually struggle with executive function — the ability to focus, organize and meet goals, necessary skills for navigating daily life, according to the Child Mind Institute. They might talk too much, interrupt others, or fidget or squirm in class, among other habits.
There are physical differences in the brains of people with and without ADHD.
As clinical psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline explains in her book "What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew," an ADHD brain is smaller in size and volume in certain areas and the prefrontal cortex, where information is processed and contextualized, can mature slower than a neurotypical brain, sometimes up to three years.
"What’s important to remember is that over time, ADHD brains catch up in their structural development," Saline wrote in her book.
Children with ADHD often feel misunderstood, judged or shamed but with support, they can thrive.
"Kids with ADHD would like to do well and they can with the right resources," Saline tells TODAY.com. "These children want regulation, empathy, inclusion, predictability and recognition."
Here are five specific things a child with ADHD wants you to know.
When parents are upset, kids get upset, too
When frustrating moments with your child bubble up, parents should manage their own feelings first.
"If you're dysregulated there is little chance your child will regulate themselves," says Saline. "The problem is, parents of children with ADHD experience numerous provocations and triggers throughout the day."
Pre-planning for those moments is key.
"Notice the physical signs — maybe your voice gets louder or you feel hot — those are signs to regulate," says Saline. "I recommend going to the bathroom, something children understand that people do alone. Even if they bang on the door, you can stop, slow down and recover."
Kids (and parents) need compassion and acceptance
"Meet kids where they are — not where we think they should be based on their age, intelligence level, physical size or what their siblings can do," says Saline. "This can be difficult for parents of neurodivergent and neurotypical children" where differences can be pronounced.
Families should avoid using labels (the golden child, the trouble maker, the baby) and practice compassion for kids. "Ask yourself what it's like to walk a day in their shoes," she says.
According to Saline, children with ADHD can wonder, "What is wrong with me?" and "Why don't adults help or understand me?"
"It's up to parents to help them accept their wonderful traits like creativity, innovation, humor and sensitivity," she says.
Saline says parents should also refrain from self-judgment, especially on hard days.
"If you say things to yourself that you wouldn't say to a third-grader with a skinned knee, stop," she says.
Kids want to make decisions, too
"Children with ADHD really don't want to be told what to do," says Saline. "They spend all day listening to instructions that don't necessarily make sense to their brains."
That's because these kids have special ways of processing information that may not make sense to others. "Forcing them to adhere to your organizational system will usually fail," says Saline.
Forcing them to adhere to your organizational system will usually fail."
If you're locked in a power struggle over your child's messy bedroom, for instance, ask if they have ideas for keeping it clean.
If a child struggles to get ready for school, instead of saying, "Clean your breakfast plate, brush your teeth and put on your shoes," try this instead:
"These are three tasks that need to get done — in order would you like to complete them?"
Consistency is good for kids
"Predictability and routine are very comforting for kids with ADHD and fosters the development of executive-functioning skills," says Saline.
That doesn't mean parents have to be militant with their expectations.
"This is an area in which parents struggle because they assume that consistency means perfection," says Saline. "Being consistent just means 'more times than not.'"
Kids feel proud when parents notice their effort and successes
Children with ADHD want validation, even when they don't succeed.
"Global praise like, 'You're smart' or 'You're a good person' isn't always helpful," says Saline. "Try saying, 'I really like how you set the table by putting the forks in the glasses — that's different' or 'Thank you for clearing your plate when I asked,'" statements with which kids can't disagree.
When kids can't manage their emotions, you could say, "I saw that you really tried to not yell at your sister, even though you did."
"We want kids to notice their effort, so they can internalize it," says Saline.