Today in "Parenting Weekends" we continue a series of excerpts from “Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” the most recent book by “Today” show contributor Dr. Ruth Peters.
Law #19:
Grow the Rules With Your Child
As kids grow, often so do their problem behaviors. What’s cute at 3 just doesn’t cut it at 6. Growing up can be a good news/bad news process — with each developmental stage come new skills and awareness, as well as new behavioral challenges!
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In over 20 years of experience as a mom and a psychologist, I’ve found that kids have the most difficulties when they are undergoing intense physical, social, or cognitive development. What may appear to be bad behavior at these ages may really be experimental behavior, ranging from trying out new activities to developing novel ideas or attitudes.
There is good news and bad news at each stage, so parents need to understand what’s really cooking with their kids during these times. Each child goes through these episodes in different ways at different times. But no matter when or how your child hits these “touchy spots,” you can manage their behavior better if you understand what your kid is going through. Let’s start by having a look at the little ones.
Preschool
Good news: Increased verbal skills. Bad news: Talks back.At this age children are mastering words and can express their needs fairly clearly. But by becoming more verbal they also begin to talk back. Preschoolers are able to not only say “no” in a demanding tone but may actually yell at you or become argumentative. It’s not that your little angel has suddenly donned a set of devil’s horns, but he has begun to develop a mind of his own.
He may not see the need to leave the sandbox and come in for lunch, and may let you have it right between the eyes. “You’re not the boss of me!” was one of my own kid’s personal favorites, and I learned a long time ago to be the big guy and to not take the bait. I knew that I had to be the boss, but getting in the kid’s face every time that he said it just wasn’t necessary. And to take these talkbacks personally would be a losing proposition!
You should:
- Have a sense of humor.
- Keep comments in perspective.
- Know that you are (or should be) the boss, and don’t flaunt it.
- Expect some talking back — correct it when necessary, model polite behavior yourself, and move on!
Good news: Better gross and fine motor control. Bad news: High risk behaviors.Preschoolers begin to learn new skills such as swimming or riding a bike with training wheels. However, these successes often lead to a false sense of security and you may see your little one engage in risky behavior such as climbing trees or jumping down from a top step. This is normal but can cause tension between you and your child as he explores his world — and you, the parent, must watch out for his safety.
You should:
- Know your child’s style — is she an impulsive risk-taker or a cautious observer? If it’s the former, keep a set of eyes on her constantly. Secure swimming-pool entrances, add front-door locks out of her reach, and try to look at the world from her perspective. If a chair is good for climbing, wouldn’t two chairs stacked on top of each other be an even better idea?
- Know your style — are you a Nervous Nellie, afraid to let your little one explore even the safest of playgrounds? If so, back off a notch — keep your eyes on the kid but allow him to run, jump, and explore his world within reason.
- If your styles clash and you feel that you are either over-focused on child safety or perhaps too laissez-faire, consider having your partner or childcare provider take over at the playground or block party. What’s important is that a balance is met between your youngster’s risk-taking behavior and ability to explore his world.
Grade School
Good news: Gains confidence. Bad news: Becomes bossy.By 5 or 6 years of age most children have entered school and gained confidence in their abilities. They have acquired many skills in a short amount of time and are now ready to start showing them off. This newfound confidence can develop into bossy behavior and your child may come across to others as a know-it-all.
You should:
- Encourage high self-esteem but also let your kid know that it’s most effective to teach others in a gentle and caring way.
- If your kid tends to employ the “bulldozer technique” — pushing his ideas upon others without their permission or interest — explain how annoying that can be to peers as well as to adults.
- Model or role-play effective communication skills with your grade-schooler; include listening skills as well as talking in your conversation.
Middle School
Good news: Develops sense of self. Bad news: Becomes moody.Uh-oh, the tween years! Those hormones have begun to kick in and sometimes it seems as if they have possessed your child. Tweens are discovering who they are as individuals, which is a wonderful thing, but they can also be extremely moody, displaying abrupt emotional changes as well as outbursts.
Some of this behavior can be blamed on hormones. Understanding this is not an excuse for inappropriate behavior, but it will help you to be more sensitive to what your child is going through and may allow you to get to the root of a problem instead of merely focusing on the symptom.
You should:
- Stop and think before talking or suggesting advice. If your daughter is rude and acts withdrawn, perhaps she needs a few minutes to put her thoughts in order.
- Be patient. It may take the kid a while to stop the rumination and slink out of her self-absorption long enough to tell you what’s up.
- Expect her not to think like an adult. She’s a kid and lives in a world of popularity, peer pressure, and stick-thin models on the covers of magazines. Of course her self-esteem (and therefore judgment) will be shaky — expect it, understand it, and try not to be too judgmental yourself.
- Remember, please, what life was like for you as a tween!
High School
Good news: Feels independent. Bad news: Thinks he is invincible.Many teenagers think they know everything. It’s typical of adolescence, as teens begin to feel independent and self-sufficient. Perhaps they have an after-school job and are earning extra cash. Some have a driver’s license and can get themselves where they need to go. With increasing independence, though, comes the precarious belief that they are invincible, immortal, or unstoppable.
This is a time when balance is key. Giving your teen some freedom to make choices is important while he is still living with you and you can be a guide. Try to keep the lines of communication open. Establish appropriate rules, but don’t be so strict that he wants to run from you. Understand that this stage represents huge developmental strides and therefore some limit-pushing is bound to occur.
Even though your child may try your patience, remember that “this too shall pass.” Your kid doesn’t have it in for you. In most cases, they’re hoping that you’ll help them and will try to understand your guidance.
You should:
- Have a sense of humor and don’t take every comment or mood as representative of your child’s true feelings or permanent attitude.
- For every limit-setting behavior that you impose, try to offer a positive action in response. Provide her with a model to copy via your own actions or reactions.
- If you are concerned about toning down typical teenage self-absorbed behavior, teach your kid how to be more sensitive to others. You cannot expect your child to fill in the void with a positive behavior on her own. Your acts of altruism will go a long way in teaching her how to give to others without focusing upon “What’s in it for me?”
Living the Law
Understand human development. Accept that beginnings (entering preschool, grade school, middle school, and high school) and periods of intense change tend to go hand-in-hand with new, sometimes difficult behavior.
Be creative. In dealing with developmental changes, employ a combination of listening/communication skills, keeping an open mind and being ready to set clear, fair, and firm guidelines.
Don’t take it personally. Whether the difficult behavior is biting, swearing, a campaign for body modification, or any other quirky behavior or attitude, it’s probably not directed at you. You’re neither an awful parent nor is your kid a terrible person. The behavior may be trying, awful, or terrible, but the person is usually okay. Accept this and focus upon behavioral or attitudinal changes.
Realize that problems grow, too. As kids get bigger, often so do their problems. That’s part of the child-rearing deal and it comes with the territory. If you are flexible and creative, I know that you can come up with a plan, technique, or consequence that will work — either by compromising with the kid or motivating behavioral change by giving an effective consequence.
Recognize that raising kids can be a good news, bad news process. Try to bask in the new, exciting skills and behaviors, but be ever watchful about the innovative, manipulative techniques that your child comes up with as he matures!
NEXT: Swearing, tatoos and more
PLEASE NOTE: Dr. Peters' column will not be published on the Christmas and New Year holiday weekends. It will return on Saturday, January 8.
Dr. Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to “Today.” For more information you can visit her Web site at . Copyright ©2004 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.