Are you still sticking to your New Year's resolution? Many people are not. In fact, the second Friday of January is designated as "Quitter's Day," marking the date by which many resolutions have fallen by the wayside.
As a parent, the existence of Quitter's Day makes you wonder: if that many adults quit resolutions in two weeks or less, why are we so adamant that our kids not quit? Why do we force them to continue extracurricular activities that seem to make them unhappy? Why do we feel the need to prove to our kids that they have to finish what they started when we don't do the same?
Author, actress and mom of three Amy Wilson felt prompted to discuss this very topic on an episode of the popular podcast she cohosts called, "What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood." A few weeks into one school year, two of her three children wanted to quit activities they had originally asked to join.
"I was finding myself thinking that this was a very hard decision. They both wanted to quit. Should I let them? It didn't seem that simple to me," she tells TODAY.com. Caught up in the moment, Wilson started thinking about larger questions, like: What am I teaching them by letting them quit? Should I make them understand this is a lot of money down the drain? What if they could have been a world champion gymnast but I let them sit out?
Looking back at those parenting years, Wilson, whose children are now teenagers and beyond, says she barely remembers the outcomes because they now seem insignificant. So even if you lay awake nights wondering if you should let your daughter quit hockey, you may find comfort in knowing your decision likely won't be a life-changing one.
"But in the moment," she says, "even these smaller parenting decisions feel very important."
Investigating the issue
The worst time to try to figure out if you should let your child quit an activity, says psychotherapist Lynn Lyons, is immediately after you pick them up from the activity. In that moment, they might be tired, hungry or overstimulated.
"You're going to want to investigate when their — and your — resources are at their best," she says. Later on, when their bellies are full and kids seem open to conversation, you can start to ask a few questions to see if their dislike of the activity is a "temporary glitch" or something more permanent. "Giving them a little space and time really does help," says Lyons.
Your child may not be able to pinpoint the cause of their discontent at first, so asking follow-up questions may give you more information.
Dr. Erin O’Connor, Chief of Education at Cooper, an online parenting platform, says, "Is it just one aspect of the activity they’d rather not do? If it’s dance, do they not like wearing the leotard, or if it’s soccer, do they hate doing passing drills? This will help inform whether to encourage continuing or to consider changing course."
O'Connor also recommends observing physical symptoms (headaches, stomachaches, hunger cues) and patterns of behavior (only complaining when Dad picks them up from soccer).
For example, one of Wilson's children loved to sing and joined a choral group ... but soon wanted to quit. When Wilson started asking more questions, she discovered that the teacher refused to let the kids take bathroom breaks for extended periods of time, and they didn't intend to alter this rule. Wilson switched her child to a different choral group, and her son sang with that group until he left for college. In this case, digging into the root of the problem helped her find a solution.
Quitting something your child is good at
It can be easy for parents to agree to let kids quit things they're bad at, but what if they want to quit something they're really good at?
Wilson had this issue with one of her children who took ballet. She was very talented, and Wilson loved watching her daughter do something she was so clearly skilled at, but her daughter simply didn't enjoy it.
In a case like this, Lyons recommends having a discussion with your child, collectively brainstorming solutions to the issue. Together, you might decide to continue until a certain date and see if their feelings change. You may decide to complete the session but not sign up for the next. Or you might decide to throw in the towel, but if you do so, be sure to talk through your reasoning and potentially revisit the issue in the future.
"You can ask if the activity is draining their bucket or filling their bucket," says Lyons.
But there's also value in persevering. “With older children, as long as an activity isn’t causing them true discomfort, there’s real value in completing a course so they can understand what it means to make a commitment," says O'Connor. "This is particularly important to learn on a team activity, where teammates might be counting on them to be there."
In the end, Wilson never had to make a decision about allowing her daughter to quit ballet. She suffered an injury that put her behind the rest of the class and she never returned. Had the injury not occurred, Wilson isn't sure what she would have done. But she advises that if your child is "insistent, consistent, persistent" about quitting, you should listen.
Don't forget playtime
Lyons wants parents to remember that the most important aspect of their child's non-school hours is not learning a new skill, but having unstructured time to play.
Children do not need to try everything to "find their passion," which Lyons considers code for "get into a good college." Structured activities (which means any sort of adult-led learning opportunities) are often "tiring" for children. They need free time to use their imagination or run around the playground. So you can avoid the whole "quitting" issue by being very intentional and measured with your child's extracurricular activities.
"The goal is not to create the best oboe player in the world," Lyons says, "but to learn, build social skills and have fun."
