Couples fight more about money than about anything else: sex, in-laws, religion, even the remote. What specific things are likely to cause you financial angst — and how can you solve those problems? "Today" financial editor Jean Chatzky shares her advice to stop the fights.
Why do couples fight about money?
Because it’s not really money — actual dollars and cents — that they’re fighting about. Money fights are about who wields the power in the family. They’re about controlling the actions of your partner or spouse. If assets are unequally divided (or short-on-hand due to one person or the other’s lack of earning power) they’re about self esteem. For some people, money is a direct expression of love. It’s really important that you try to understand what’s driving your anger toward your partner. That’ll go a long way to helping you solve this problem.
And yet, we have a really hard time talking about money. Why is that?
Freud once said money is the last taboo. And I think it’s that we don’t grow up in households where money is freely discussed. That used to be the case with sex, but television has handled that. You watch a show like "Friends" and it’s ALL about sex. With the exception of cable channels like CNBC — which aren't really about money but about investing — money hasn’t come into its own. But the good news is that once you decide you’re going to make an effort to communicate about money and get involved in conversations on a regular basis, it becomes easier. Practice in this case does help.
Money fights and how to stop them:
"You spend/charge too much"
Fix: A line in the sand
The last thing that couples want to do is micro-manage each others expenditures. That’s a sure road to disaster. But if you’re trying to stick to a budget, it’s really important that you discuss BIG expenses. The best way to do this is to draw a line in the sand. Pick a number that makes sense given your financial situation: $300, $500, $1,000, and agree with your partner that you’re not going to spend more than that without TALKING about it first. That doesn’t mean that he can’t buy that great new digital camera or that she can’t buy that incredible new suit. It just means that you have to talk about it first to make sure it’s not going to throw some sort of monkey wrench into the rest of your finances for that month or that year.
"You’re too cheap"
Fix: Separate savings accounts When one spouse/partner is concerned with hoarding money to the detriment of the other, you have to realize what they’re saying is "I don’t feel safe." That’s probably because of the way they grew up — maybe his family didn’t have as much money as her family and as a result he’s become a somewhat compulsive saver. It’s generally not possible to make that person feel safe with words. Let them accumulate enough money in a separate savings account in order to make them feel comfortable. If the fact that one partner doesn’t want to spend money on something is getting in the way of your family’s safety or happiness — if he doesn’t believe a baby-sitter should be paid more than $5 an hour, for example, and in your neighborhood all the good baby-sitters get $10 an hour — then you’ll have to build a case. Show him a list of all the good baby-sitters and what they charge. And explain to him that you need this night out for your sanity and that you can afford it and still pay all your bills and save X amount each month. And then ask him to trust you on this one. Cross the same hurdle a few times and it’ll be on to the next battle.
"You’re too controlling"
Fix: Alternate bill paying
Generally, in a relationship you both have your strengths — your frugality may help you shop smartly and get out of debt, her investment savvy may help you set up a portfolio that will help you retire in style. But if one of you is feeling that the other one is being too parental — telling you how much you’re allowed to spend and on what, there are two solutions. First, separate accounts. You should have a house account into which you both deposit an equal percentage of your income (that helps balance things when one earns more than the other). The remaining money in each of your accounts is yours to do with as you wish. The second thing you can do to make sure one person is not in total control is to alternate bill paying. This allows both partners to see funds moving. The fact that there’s not as much as you thought left over after each paycheck may give you a window into WHY he or she is so intent that you spend only so much on eating out, so much on the cars, WHY he or she is so cranky. It’s also a crucial skill to have in case something happens to one partner along the way. You don’t want this to be a skill you’re lacking.
"You don’t tell me anything"
Fix: A scheduled conversation
If you or your partner is feeling out of the financial loop, you need to schedule a financial conversation once a week. Decide that Wednesdays at dinner or Fridays right before you go to sleep you’re going to spend 10 minutes talking about financial matters. Have any expenses popped up that you’re going to have to deal with? How are you going to handle the fact that camp costs $1,000 more this year or that property taxes just went up or that the baby-sitter wants a raise. In the beginning, it will help to jot down a quick agenda of the things you want to raise with your partner so that you don’t veer off track. What if a problem comes up between conversations? Deal with it immediately. Don’t let it get under your skin and sit there because the calendar is on the wrong date. You’ll end up fighting about something else instead. The other fix for feeling out of the loop: Online banking. People in the military with a deployed spouse find that this works well because it allows both partners to keep tabs of how the money is moving — ATM withdrawals, checks written, bills scheduled — without talking about it.
You say it helps to have shared goals. Why is that?
Because you have to think of money as a means to an end. It’s not just green stuff, it’s what the green stuff does for you that matters. And if you and your spouse or partner can agree on what you want your money to do for you — put a down payment on a house, pay for a great vacation, get through the holidays next year with no debt — then you’ll find you’re both working toward the same endgame, not against each other.
And lastly, if you are at an impasse, it’s time to get help. These days there are plenty of couples therapists specializing in money issues and plenty of compassionate financial planners that can talk through couples issues. A mediator may be necessary to get you through.
Jean Chatzky is the financial editor for “Today,” editor-at-large at Money magazine and the author of “Talking Money: Everything You Need to Know About Your Finances and Your Future.” Her latest book, "Pay It Down: From Debt to Wealth on $10 a Day," is now in bookstores. Copyright ©2005. For more information, go to her Web site, www.JeanChatzky.com.