You think you're happy my baby is here? You've got nothing on me.
More than 535,000 people subscribed to a live stream of my enclosure and viewers anxiously waited on pins and needles for my giraffe calf to make its way into the world.
I told you all I would deliver this baby when I was good and ready. And finally on April 15, I was.
Here's the footage of me giving birth to my son after being in labor for two-and-a-half hours, in front of 1.2 million people (let's be adult about this, please):
And here's my pride and joy ... who I am so very, very glad no longer lives inside of me. Park officials said after many months of pregnancy, "both mom and calf are doing fine.”
Finally, here are the vital statistics — and now will somebody please bring me an acacia margarita and one of those inflatable cushions to sit on? And turn the cameras off, please. I'm ready for a little privacy.
BORN: Saturday, April 15, 2017 at 9:53 a.m.
WEIGHT: Still waiting to hear from the park — but probably more than you'd want to carry around for well over a year!
HEIGHT: Still waiting, but looks to be about 6 feet (and roughly 75 percent legs)
LOCATION: Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, New York
PROUD PARENTS: Me, April, age 15, experienced mother of three others and the baby's daddy is Oliver, age 5 and a first-time papa.
NAME: Well, I have some ideas. Officially, the Animal Adventure Park plans to hold a naming contest. Stay tuned for the details. And there is absolutely no truth to the fact that my own personal nickname is Lil' Pain in the Neck.
I plan to naturally raise my baby at the Park through 2017 - weaning can take up to 14 months, you know! Now if you'll excuse me, I have mothering to do.
And where is that margarita?