Two recent articles in this column addressed the psychological effects of menopause. The focused mainly on women who had had children; on those who had not. They engendered a large response among readers, resulting in many notes and comments. Thank you for that (and for all the mail you send). In this week’s column I would like to share some of those comments.
From a man in San Jose, Calif.: Some of the things you said also apply to us males. One of them is dealing with thoughts of what might have been, and being angry and disappointed with yourself because of it.
Mourning the loss of possibilities is something I’ve seen many times and has been played out in humor by us guys. Unless it was said as a joke, we would NEVER admit these disappointments to our family and friends. Many would not even mention these feelings to our wives.
Can you picture a burly truck driver sitting at a truck-stop counter eating his five eggs and hash, then turning to his counter neighbor and saying, “Hey, I just read this great article about menopause and I think we could benefit by what was said”? Not in a million years.
A woman from New Jersey writes: Being middle-aged and childless has another aspect. Sometimes others forget that without children you don’t have the same “life markers.” Without children, it’s easy to feel less “of a certain age,” and when menopause taps you on the shoulder, it’s an especially sudden jolt because you didn’t have the life experiences that led up to it via the same path as women with children.
I’ve found I have two distinct circles of women friends — those with and those without children. And while we are all reaching menopause at similar times, we have reached this milestone from completely different directions.
This note came from New York City: Everything you mentioned in your article about menopause and the childless woman I have been thinking about. I am single and never had children because I never met the right person to settle down with.
I’m sure a lot of women feel the way I do, in that I could have a baby, but don’t want to do it with just anyone. It has to be the right person.
But then your time runs out. Men don’t seem to understand that’s why women want to settle down — that our “clocks” really are ticking.
Another woman writes:
Your article really hit home. I am 52 years old, single and a professional woman. Recently I had a complete hysterectomy. I know what my medical problem was and, intellectually, agree with the treatment.
I felt many times, however, that professionals were sympathetic but not understanding of how this affects someone who has not had the opportunity to marry or have children. This issue has felt like “the elephant in the room” that everybody notices but nobody mentions.
So many times, being single and childless, I feel like the odd person. To see the topic considered from my point of view was refreshing.
Finally, a woman from California who says my piece is “bunk.”
The only thing I agree with is that we have the power to make our own decisions and choices. If women are stuck in less than ideal situations, it is likely the result of poor choices and the fear of making a change during their midlife years.
As for being childless and going through menopause, that describes me. I am embracing menopause as an adventure and handling those symptoms in a positive fashion. Hot flashes? Bring ’em on. Weight gain? I am finally getting those curves I wished for in my younger days.
No mourning for this woman. To give women permission to mourn when they enter a natural phase in their lives is harmful. Some will never progress beyond that point.
Dr. Gail’s Bottom LineAgain, thank you very much for writing. (I was especially interested to receive a male perspective!) As you can see, there are many views on this subject, one that is very emotional for most who go through it. And it's good to see that many people feel strongly on the topic; one major benefit of that, of course, is to know that in feeling that way you are not alone as you travel through a normal though difficult life passage.
Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” Her new book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was recently published by Riverhead Books. For more information, you can visit her Web site, .
PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific medical or psychological advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand their lives and health. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist. Copyright ©2004 Dr. Gail Saltz. All rights reserved.