Need a quick answer to a relationship dilemma? Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle cuts through the fluff with her relationship advice in TODAY.com’s “30-second therapist” series.
Q. You said something very interesting in one of your columns: "We attract not whom we want, but who we ARE!" I'm 38 and am told I'm attractive. Since my divorce six years ago, I keep meeting the same type repeatedly. He rushes me the first two weeks of dating, says I’m his soul mate, talks marriage and tells me he loves me. But then, around week six, he leaves. Why do I attract guys who are all the same? My girlfriends say I'm too nice and I make myself too available. They tell me guys only like bitches, which is why they lose interest in me. What do you think? —Rush to Exit
Dear Rush to Exit,
We attract people like ourselves because sharing familiar traits offers comfort. And it’s this comfort that sustains love’s shelf life after the heat hits room temperature.
What you ARE is a woman who craves the lines these guys keep uttering—and they sense that. As soon as these men see you go limp, they gulp, “Oops, now I’ll have to deliver!” Time to exit!
Girlfriend, you’re not being “too nice;” you’re being too gullible. Tighten your “type” tentacles! In more substantial men, talk equals action. When you attract a guy who at first seems speculative, appreciate him! You want the “type” whose feelings emerge only after he’s sure you’re special. What’s YOUR rush? —Dr. Gilda
Q: After staying home for 20 years and raising our four children, my husband is now pulling away. Not too long ago, I was bragging to my friends that our sex life was hotter than ever. Now he’s got the proverbial headache! I work and make a little more money than he does. He complains constantly that I'm not doing my share of housework, though he never cooks, does laundry, cleans the bathroom, or helps our teenage son with homework. I do all that--on top of working 50 + hours a week. How can I make my husband content again without ruining our finances? —Overworked, Underappreciated
Dear Overworked,
Your inflated earnings are deflating your hubby. He enjoyed 20 years as matrimonial monarch. Now he feels his sovereignty is cut. Clearly, he wants to still be king.
One-third of U.S. women earn more than their mates, and this often creates household havoc. But you can’t “make [your] husband content again.” That’s not your job – it’s his. But don’t think your earning power hasn’t changed you! Assess how you’re communicating your newfound role. You two need a romantic escape. Blot out kids, housework, homework and complaints, and love him like he’s still royalty. Trying to fix him won’t work; transfixing his memory to your once hot sex life might. Headache? What headache? —Dr. Gilda
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Dr. Gilda Carle is the relationship expert to the stars. She is a professor at New York’s Mercy College and has written 15 books; her latest is “Don’t Bet on the Prince!”