Need a quick answer to a relationship dilemma? Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle cuts through the fluff with her relationship advice in TODAY.com’s “30-second therapist” series.
Q: I have been with an amazing man for four months. However, I’m still hung up on my ex of almost a year who I was madly in love with. I know that my ex and I aren't good for each other right now, but I’m holding on to the possibility of us getting back together. Will I ever be able to love the man I'm with, or is it time to cut bait? I love spending time with him, and he makes me happy, but I don't always feel that spark like I did with my ex. —Living on Memories
Dear Living on Memories,
You fear you’re missing crucial chemistry with Plan B. But the bigger problem is that you’re cheating on him with Plan A—even if it’s in your fantasies.
The kindest thing you can do for this “amazing man” is to stop trying to force something that isn’t there. Girl, set him free! You need time alone and unattached, to assess your relationship history. Solid love takes two totally committed people. You’re not committed to Plan B, and Plan A isn’t committed to you. So neither of these guys makes an appropriate love match. It’s time now to commit to yourself. After you learn to love your aloneness, you’ll be able to bond with a partner who is grounded in reality. —Dr. Gilda
Q: How can I get the woman I want without playing stupid mind games? I’m in competition with a bad boy who is playing these games, and she’s falling for him. This has happened with all the women I’ve ever wanted. Don't say that it’s the type of women I go for; all women fall for this rubbish. Please help! —Looking for Love
Dear Looking for Love,
Whoa, dude! Your name should be “Looking for THE WRONG Love.” But you don’t want to hear that.
You say the same things keep happening “with ALL the women” you’ve “ever wanted.” But you believe that all women are the same, regardless. Friend, they only seem to be the same because you keep choosing the same ones!
Saying that ALL women “fall for this rubbish” is tantamount to saying that all MEN want what they can’t get. Uh, might this describe you? Since like attracts like, I wonder what mind games you’ve been playing to attract your likeness! It will take courage to change your mojo. But only then will a different kind of woman fall for your charms. —Dr. Gilda
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Dr. Gilda Carle is the relationship expert to the stars. She is a professor at New York’s Mercy College and has written 15 books; her latest is “Don’t Bet on the Prince!”