When we last left Sookie Stackhouse, she was fending off a randy Eric Northman, who was just, you know, stopping by in case of werewolf attack. He was right. As we open on episode three of season three, a werewolf leaps into the scene looking to attack the little lady. Sookie still has that gun, which puts a bullet into Eric as he leaps into undead action. And they end up killing the werewolf before they can squeeze much information out of him.
Over at the mansion of the Vampire King of Mississippi, Miss Lorena is all charred and pissy. She skulks off as Russell scolds Vampire Bill. Bill needs to just calm his chilly butt down and put his fangs away. (“It’s like Armageddon in here every time someone chips a dessert glass,” the King gripes.)
Russell suggests that if Bill loves Sookie so much, why not just turn her? (The King SO has not read any of the Stephenie Meyer’s “Twilight” books. How can Bill remain all tortured and haunted if he has a perky girlfriend who can understand all of his problems?)
Speaking of broody, Eric Northman is burying that freshly killed werewolf all by himself while Sookie asks more questions about this crazy supernatural world she ended up in. She had tried to read the werewolf’s thoughts, but all she managed to pick up is the word “Jackson,” as in, Mississippi. A clue! A clue! Sookie wants to so go to Jackson right now in case Bill is there! Eric kindly reminds her that he can’t accompany her, given that it would be daylight by the time they got there, so Sookie vows to head out on her own.
Tara and Franklin, the Woebegone British vampire, are having seriously hot and slow Southern sex somewhere. He declines her offer of blood from her neck, apparently deciding that switching positions would be more exciting. “I never do this,” Tara insists, but it’s not clear whether the “this” includes the implied anal penetration. Franklin makes the mistake of asking a little more about Tara’s past, which freaks her out. She won’t even tell him her name. It makes Franklin more woebegone than ever.
How y’all doin, Sam and Tommy? Who let the dawgs out? Heh. L’il shape-shiftin’ joke, y’all understand. Now, boys, don’t fight. Oh, too late. Sam is leaving, and everyone is sad.
Jason Stackhouse has found hisself, thanks to his high law-enforcement adventures with Bellefleur. He even wants to take the police entrance exam.
Pam is busy, well, getting busy — with that hard working Estonian dancer, in fact — when Jessica calls in a panic. If Pam had anything to do with disappearing that corpse in Bill’s house, she sure isn’t showing it. Pam shrugs it off and heads back to her lover, quipping, “Lie back and think of Estonia.”
Sookie is prepping to leave for Jackson (great, now I’ve got that Johnny and June duet in my head) when she swings by Merlotte’s to ask Sam for a favor: Keep an eye on Jessica while Sookie’s gone. And speaking of Jessica? Poor, poor Hoyt. He loves Jessica so. Jason, being Jason, advises Hoyt to move on and find someone hotter than Jessica. Jason apparently has not spent a good deal of time staring at Jessica.
On to the show’s other red-head, Arlene. She’s at the OB-GYN, looking at her unborn baby on a little monitor. And she’s shocked to learn that the baby may be too well-developed to be Terry’s, as she had suspected. Later, Arlene confesses her pregnancy to Terry, who immediately assumes the little flappy tadpole is his; Arlene does nothing to correct him on this.
Tara hears that there’s a funeral going down for Eggs and heads to the cemetery, where Sookie tells her she has paid for the modest service. Sookie asks for Tara to come back home, and all seems to be forgiven as Eggs is interred, presumably sunny side up.
Flashback to 1868: Bill returns to the home of his grieving wife, Caroline, who has not seen him in three years and has assumed he has perished. She is struggling with both her grief and her aversion to contractions. Their son has died of the pox, and when Bill cries tears of blood, the wife learns of Bill’s vampire-ness. She tries to shoot him, just as Lorena, Bill’s maker, shows up. This prompts the requisite “unhand her” from Bill. Lorena ignores that, and — it is heavily implied — kills Caroline. (Or does he make her a vampire too?)
Sleeping on the job, Jason is having a nightmare that combines all of his anxieties — police entrance exam, guilt over Eggs — when Hoyt discovers a mouldering corpse with no hands or head. After the cops arrive, Bellefleur deduces that the dead man was torn apart. It’s all too much for Sheriff Dearborne, who cannot take another dead body in Bon Temps.
Sookie is busy cleaning up the blood of one werewolf when another hot one shows up at her house claiming to be a bodyguard sent by Eric Northman. The werewolf will be escorting her to Mississippi. I’ll say this for Northman: He does not waste his time with ugly friends. Sookie brings the hotness some tea, and they talk with both their mouths and their minds. It’s real cute.
Surprise! Sam’s half-shape-shifter family shows up at Merlotte’s for a howdy-y’all. He treats them to a Merlotte’s lunch. And, he soon learns, a whole, whole lotta shots. Tension follows between Sam and drunken Joe Lee, and the estranged family leaves in a huff. Over at the bar counter, Jason tries to reach out to Tara, but almost spills that he had something to do with Eggs’s death. (Visual cue: Tara looks like she has a bullet in her forehead.)
Vampire Bill is still in the flashback mode. Looks like Lorena hasn’t done anything to Caroline at all. He takes the most humane route: making Caroline forget that he was ever there.
Now we know why Eric was too busy to keep Sookie company. He has purchased a new car for his top salesman, Lafayette. Eric informs Lafayette that he may have some more lucrative business opportunities if Lafayette wants them. In fairness, Lafayette could use some new scarves.
Franklin skulks on over to Bill’s house, where Jessica is sitting around wondering about that vanishing corpse. Franklin produces the answer, in the form of the corpse’s head. The he starts grilling Jessica for information about Bill Compton. Franklin then promptly bails and skeedaddles over to Tara’s, where she’s glammed into letting him in.
Oh no! A totally hinky shape-shifty bird has been rummaging around inside Sam’s bar!
Oh, neat! Werewolves have their own bars too! The hot werewolf takes Sookie to one. Sookie peels off to do some mind-reading and ends up nearly torn to shreds by that Patrick-Swayze-looking werewolf that helped kidnap Bill. (Turns out the guy is played by Don Swayze. Great. Now I’m all sad.)
The Vampire King of Mississippi is sitting in his fancy house all frustrated because his werewolf friends can’t seem to bring in Sookie in an efficient manner. Vampire Bill emerges and announces that he is renouncing his loyalty to Louisiana and is joining the Mississippi crew. The King calls off the Sookie manhunt, which, really, is the least he can do. More blood gelato for everyone!
Bill is clearly hiding something, and Lorena knows it. She calls him out on it, and he says he’ll never love her. Then he shags her while twisting her neck alllllll the way around.