It's only hours until you can get liquored up and blow part off your hand off with the illegal fireworks that will also light your garage roof on fire, so why not be a patriot and spend it catching up on some Soup?
1. Selena Gomez: The talented cutie and Bieber lover is turning 19 next month, and Regis Philbin can't seem to wrap his head around that.
Keep clicking, folks!
2. The Bachelorette: It would be a much more interesting show if Ashley just married Bentley. Then we could watch the hilarious disintegration of their forever love. Instead, we get to hear Ashley obsess on him to the point of psychosis.
3. The Real Housewives of New Jersey: According to Teresa Guidice, making pizza is just like having sex. What her doggie-style eggplant deep dish tastes like is anybody's guess.
4. Christina Aguilera: Chrissy has pipes that are rarely equaled, though her student on The Voice, Beverly McLellan, comes pretty darn close. Luckily, one is bald or we'd never be able to tell them apart.
5. Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew: Porn star and booze lover Amy Fisher needs to clean up her act, so she's off to Dr. Drew. Thank God the woman has her priorities straight. The problem is the booze.