Flowers are blooming, the fish have resumed swimming, Rev. Al’s hair is looking better than ever; and Michael Moore, whose latest film, “Sicko,” is about the dysfunctional health-care system, has given us something more significant to chat about than how Hilton will spend her first few hours of freedom.
Regardless of what she learned while doing her time, Hilton should keep it to herself — especially if she’s tired of the media “making fun of her and being mean.”
You reap what you sow, baby girl.
And I certainly hope she doesn’t she doesn’t align herself with the local African-American leaders who wanted to use her as the poster girl for prison reform, because no good can come of that either.
We get it. Prison is not a fun place to be.
Besides, I’d prefer to hear about the atrocities of prison life from a more credible source. You know, like someone who knows what it’s really like to be on lockdown.
Change is going come
But you know what? Hilton, who now hopes to use her fame for good, has already affected positive change. Thanks to Hilton’s brief 23-day stay at the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, Calif., the lives of all of her incarcerated peers will become much more cushy in the future.
1. Instead of Bibles, new inmates will be given an updated copy of “Confessions of an Heiress.” This version includes a bonus chapter on “How to Get Out of Jail For Free When You Don’t Have a Rich Grandpa Contributing to the Sheriff’s Re-Election Campaign.”
2. The standard-issue orange jumpsuit will now come in an array of seasonal colors. Designed by Donatella Versace’s pool boy, inmates will wear pink in the spring; white, with sequined collars in the summer; olive green with pink trim for the fall; and slate blue with burgundy sashes in the winter. Crotches are optional.
3. Mandatory vocational skills classes will now include “How to Shoot, Edit and Sell Your Conjugal Visit Sex Tape For $69.69”
rightfalsetrue0truetrue64. The new welcome package will include some hair extensions from the best Korean-owned wig shop in South Central Los Angeles; a copy of “You Think This is Hell? Try Being Me!” by Lindsay Lohan; a bootleg DVD of Britney Spears’ lip-sync tour; the DVD box set of “The Simple Life Un-Cut” featuring Hilton and Nicole Richie making out with a couple of ex-cons on a road trip to Tijuana; a $15 gift card good for any 900 number; Sheriff Lee Baca’s home number (only to be used if you’re having some sort of undetermined medical issue); and an autographed photo of Hilton and Rev. Al Sharpton raising their fists in victory at Hilton’s post-release “We Shall Overcome” soiree.
5. Scared straight programs will be replaced by inmates reenacting scenes from “The Simple Life, Season One.”
6. Hilton Hotels have agreed to donate a free night’s stay at any property for any inmate who’s serving a life sentence but manages to bust out.
7. Hilton has arranged for Lil’ Kim to come in and lecture on how to stay glam in the slam.
8. The drab gray uniforms worn by prison guards will be replaced by skinny jeans and halter tops from the Sarah Jessica Parker clothing line.
9. Meals will now be catered by G. Wolfgang Sanchez, a noted production assistant from the Rachel Ray show, who is very popular with the young Hollywood set. He specializes in gourmet “munchies.”
10. And all future celebrity inmates will be housed in facilities that have: a view of the ocean or mountains (but only if they agree to stay longer than two nights); optional room service; free Internet access with bookmarked porn sites; weekends off to work on their tell-all books; hair and makeup personnel on call; after-hours visits from any former has-been boy-band member; and one night off a week to walk the red carpet (but only at high-profile charity events benefiting celebrity rehab facilities) .
God bless you Paris. You done good.
Miki Turner is a freelance TV producer/writer in Los Angeles. She can be reached at dmiki@aol.com.