Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, at least according to that commercial. But it can make your brain burst because of the many decisions one must make. Which Christmas tree is ideal? What vegetable goes well with burnt ham? What gift to send Uncle Hal in prison? What hangover remedy to give cousin Judy?
It doesn’t get any easier when it comes to music. Back in the day, folks usually had a half-dozen or so Christmas albums that they would break out and pop on the turntable; any more than that would break with tradition. Besides, they usually all sounded the same. After relatives get sufficiently liquored up on Christmas, Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney are practically indistinguishable.
The bad news is that in the year 2005, thanks to niche marketing and genre-specific holiday releases, there are more choices to wade through than ever. The good news is that, if you know where your tastes lie, you can celebrate Christmas with either the square, or the cool, or anything in between.
Let’s start with the traditional. If you’re the type who wears a red sweater, makes your own Christmas ornaments and has tacked up the exact same lights outside your house in the exact same way for the past 25 years, you probably should stick with what you know.
Bing Crosby is a staple. His “White Christmas” album has been to more family gatherings at Christmas than butter cookies and tinsel. Ditto for Nat King Cole’s “The Christmas Song,” which features his version of the title track as well as one by daughter Natalie.
A holly jolly choice
I would highly recommend anything by Burl Ives, simply because he looks like Santa Claus year round. Try “Have A Holly Jolly Christmas.” Burl is most famous for owning that song, but the CD also has “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” There is a separate album on Rudolph as well, from the 1964 TV show. Burl does the voice of Sam the Snowman, and you can count on seeing it on television around the holidays like you can count on seeing “It’s a Wonderful Life” and video of a burning yule log.
Other suggestions for people who want Christmas to feel the same in 2005 as it did in 1945 are “Here We Come A-Caroling” by Ray Conniff, “The Time-Life Treasury of Christmas,” “Joy To The World” by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, “Christmas Memories” by Lawrence Welk, and other reliable compilations like “Casey Kasem Presents: All-Time Christmas Favorites” and “Now That’s What I Call Christmas” (which contains artists as varied as Gene Autry and David Bowie).
If you long to be hip at Christmas, but are just afraid to try, then take a baby step forward with some tunes that might actually cause you to snap your fingers to the music. There is no better example of this than “Christmas With The Rat Pack.” Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. will make any Christmas seem like a Vegas lounge act with their individual renditions of “The First Noel,” “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” and “Jingle Bells.”
Along those same lines, solo efforts by Frank (“The Christmas Collection,” among others) and Dean (“Christmas With Dino”) really swing. Highball glasses and ashtrays are not included.
A little rhythm-and-Christmas
Let’s boogie a little further away from squaresville, shall we? If you’re into rhythm and blues, you can still celebrate Christmas while letting your inner soulster out of his straitjacket. Ray Charles has a classic called “The Spirit of Christmas” (with Ray on the cover standing up in a sleigh). It features splendid versions of “The Little Drummer Boy” and “Winter Wonderland” as well as a duet with Betty Carter on “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”
Other selections in the same vein include “Someday At Christmas” by Stevie Wonder, “The Christmas Collection” by the Jackson 5, “Music of Christmas” by Percy Faith, “Christmas Peace” by Elvis Presley, “Silver and Gold” by Vanessa Williams, and two personal favorites, “A Motown Christmas” and “A Motown Christmas, Vol. 2.” The second one includes a brilliant and often-overlooked Marvin Gaye tune called “Purple Snowflakes,” which had been previously unreleased before that collection.
Christmas in the country is always a special time. If you find yourself driving down a dirt road in your 18-year-old pickup with your shotgun jiggling in its rack on your way to Aunt Sassy’s house to exchange Wal-Mart gift certificates while draining the still, you’ll need the appropriate musical accompaniment.
At the top of the hick list is “Light of the Stable” by Emmylou Harris, with covers of “Silent Night” and “O Little Town of Bethlehem” that are so enjoyable they will make you forget the fact that all the Confederate money you’ve been hoarding for years is still worthless. Other Christmas efforts with a country twang include “Christmas With Johnny Cash,” “What a Wonderful World” by LeAnn Rimes, “Let It Be Christmas” by Alan Jackson and Toby Keith’s “Christmas To Christmas,” a CD of original holiday songs.
Holiday tunes with a jazz beat
Is jazz your groove? Then dig these yuletide hepcats. “Harry for the Holidays” by Harry Connick Jr. is way too cool for any school. Ditto for “A Smooth Jazz Christmas” by Dave Koz, featuring musical support from pianist David Benoit and trumpeter Rick Braun and vocals by Brenda Russell and Kenny Loggins. I would like to also mention Kenny G., but with a slight disclaimer illustrated by this tale: A friend of mine went on a date once and everything was going well until the lady invited him back to her place and put on a Kenny G. album. He walked out and never saw her again. So if you want to play “Wishes: A Holiday Album” by Kenny G. over the holidays, do so at your own risk.
You should also consider “Boogie Woogie Christmas” by Brian Setzer as well as “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano. If anyone suffers from the holiday blues, these will serve as mood elevators.
Last but certainly not least are the novelties, a staple of the holidays. These are not for the faint of heart. If anybody in the room has a pacemaker, play it later, when they leave.
Start with “Dr. Demento: Greatest Christmas Novelty CD Of All Time,” which features such beloved selections as “I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus” by Kip Addotta and “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsy.
What would a non-traditional Christmas be without music by a cross-dresser? Consider “Ho Ho Ho” by RuPaul if you suddenly find the need to rid your holiday gathering of any intransigent firebrands. Additional out-of-the-box picks include “Christmas With The Chipmunks, Vol. 1” and “Merry F#%$in’ Christmas” by Denis Leary.
Perhaps the pinnacle of lowbrow Christmas music is “A John Waters Christmas,” the cover of which is an image of the kitschy director sitting in an easy chair and watching as his tree burns. It’s one of the rare Christmas albums that features a warning about explicit lyrics.
Michael Ventre lives in Los Angeles and is a regular contributor to MSNBC.com.