Toddlers and preschoolers are a fun lot — you never know what’s going to happen next! Each day presents new opportunities to learn, to grow, and yes … to challenge parents, peers and the rules of the house and playground. “Today” contributor Dr. Ruth Peters was invited on the show to talk about some of the more difficult yet common challenges that parents, teachers and playmates of toddlers and preschoolers face.
Discipline
“Discipline” — just hearing the word sends chills down the spines of many parents. “Must I really punish this child if she gets into things?” laments the mother of a 2-year-old. I believe the word “discipline” has been given a bad rap. It connotes punishment, criticism and correction — all negative-sounding words. However, discipline is not negative at all; in fact, it is a very positive concept. Discipline means “teaching,” pure and simple, using a combination of explanation, reasoning and action to train a child to understand what behaviors are acceptable or unacceptable. It definitely does not mean abuse, although many parents jump to the conclusion that disciplining a child involves reprimand, spanking or criticism. The enlightened parent, though, has many other disciplinary tools to choose from for their toddlers and preschoolers that are not only more humane, but actually much more effective.
Your reaction to your little one’s inappropriate behaviors teaches her the consequences of her actions. If you generally react with harsh words or physical punishment, she’ll get the idea that her mom and dad don’t like what she’s just done, but that they also believe in physical aggression to solve problems. This type of discipline may or may not change the child’s behavior, but it will most likely lead to an angry child, or to one who may grow immune to being screamed at or clobbered. However, parents who use effective and efficient behavioral techniques not only get their preschooler’s attention, but they get good results!
That’s why I advocate parents becoming what I call benevolent dictators — that is, kindly letting your children know that they have a vote, but that you are the final decision-maker — rather than running a democratic household, which often becomes a free-for-all. Kids respond well, the home is a more pleasant place in which to live, and the children develop good self-esteem, self-discipline and good frustration tolerance.
Kids learn self-control when parents create boundaries and set limits. Between the ages of 2 and 3, kids become capable of understanding perfectly well what their limits are if their parents set boundaries for them. Rules should follow the four C’s: concise, clear, consistent and — at times — the consequences need to be a bit catastrophic.
Let’s talk about setting up a behavior-management system. I suggest the smiley face program, in which preschoolers lose smiley’s whenever they engage in inappropriate behaviors (not doing as told, not beating the buzzer to get dressed, talking back) but earn treats (four a day, placed in a treat jar each morning). When three smiley’s are lost, then the penalties occur. The consequences are loss of a treat from the treat jar or a privilege that they enjoy, as well as a time-out in a safe and boring location. Remember, folks, boredom is one of the most catastrophic consequences that can occur to a little kid, and being placed in the time-out spot for 10 minutes just may get his attention enough that he won’t pull the cat’s tail again … at least for a while! Keep the treats interesting (crayons, clay and sugarless gum, a “ticket” to play Chutes and Ladders later that evening with Mom or Dad). Each night, about 30 minutes before bedtime, the child gets all of the treats that remain in the jar.
You’ll know that the system is working well when their compliance level increases (aka, they actually do what you ask, when you ask it!), they stop whining and fussing when you threaten the loss of a smiley face, and the whole family appears happier! But, you need to be consistent in both the giving and taking away of treats and privileges, loss of smileys, and use of time-out.
Now, what can you expect from your little ones? Let’s take a look at it by age level:
Two-Year-Olds
Between 24 and 36 months of age, your child develops the ability to handle many behavioral responsibilities. Use a countdown timer to motivate your child to clean up specific toys and put them back in their proper place before the buzzer goes off. Make chore completion fun and be sure to help out, modeling the good behavior yourself. Be careful at the grocery store that you don’t cave in and buy a toy that your little one has put into the cart — that’s an easy habit to start and a difficult one to get rid of!
Three-Year-Olds
Between 3 and 4 years of age, children are able to perform daily chores such as putting dirty clothes into a hamper (you may want to play beat the buzzer or dunk the basketball to get them moving on this) and helping you to make up their bed. Threes can fill pet bowls, pull up their own elastic-waist pants and skirts, as well as brush their teeth with your guidance. Praise your child for a good effort — little ones thrive on positive attention and don’t need constant treats to motivate a good performance.
Four-Year-Olds
Fours continue to be able to complete chore responsibilities such as putting their dirty dishes on the counter or clothes in the hamper, giving the dog water or food, washing themselves in the bath with your supervision, brushing their teeth with your guidance, and picking out their clothes for the next day. Remember to thank them for their help and note that because the child was quick to get ready in the morning, there’s now time to play a word game before leaving for preschool.
Biting and Aggression
BitingHaving your toddler or preschooler chomp down onto the forearm of your best friend’s son is not only frightening, it’s really embarrassing. What kind of parent raises a kid who bites his or her buddies? Well, just about any parent, as this type of behavior is not as rare as you may think!
Many little ones go through a biting phase in their early development. Although not unheard of in 4- and 5-year-olds, many seasoned biters tend to be “just verbal” (2- and early 3-year-olds). Most biters seem to outgrow this behavior when they can use their words to express their needs and feelings, rather than depending upon their teeth to get the job done.
Experts suggest that biting often begins as an exploratory behavior (“Wonder what it would feel like to dig my choppers into Jason’s leg or to bite the hand that feeds me?”). If the child is rewarded by a significant reaction (Jason’s crying or Mom’s squealing), the initial exploratory nibble may evolve into a full-blown behavior problem occurring both at home and at preschool. Kid behavior that is given attention tends to reoccur, even if the adult perceives the attention as negative rather than as rewarding.
Besides getting a reaction from others, why else do little kids bite? Researchers suggest several reasons: simple tactile exploration, expression of anger, or feelings of control and power over others. Some even posit that biting behavior can be the child’s claim to ownership of a coveted toy or even a person. One consistent finding, though, is that biting behavior tends to decrease as children become not only more verbal, but have picked up a few alternative social skills to use to get their needs met. It makes sense that if your 2-year-old can ask Jason for the block rather than relying on the ol’ bite, snatch and grab routine, Jason will want to play longer and won’t feel the need to retaliate.
Also, as kids mature they begin to become more sensitive to how their behavior affects others, both positively and negatively. Often, little ones have difficulty making the distinction between living beings and inanimate objects. Indeed, most parents have experienced their children dragging their teddy around the house by the foot or regularly chewing the hand of a beloved doll, almost in an absent-minded fashion. This is unintentional aggression, and the chewing or biting behavior may be more habit than intention. However, just spending a few mornings at a preschool will convince you that some kids do bite purposefully — the coveted block is relinquished when its user’s hand is bitten or the teacher’s wrist gets nailed as she’s trying to place the biter in the time-out chair. What’s a parent or teacher to do?
Regardless of whether your child’s biting behavior is unintentional or purposeful, it’s important to try to teach her that biting really hurts. But, please, don’t bite back just to get your message across! The most common reaction to being bitten is to bite or to smack the child. Although retaliation will definitely get your kid’s attention, the wrong lesson may be taught. There are more civil and effective ways of letting your child know that biting is inappropriate. First, respond with a firm “NO!” as you remove the child’s mouth from your body part. Keep your verbalization short and simple. “Don’t bite me … that hurts and you are not allowed to do that!” may get the message across. I suggest to my clients that the “NO!” must be said firmly, and that close eye contact be established. This usually makes the perpetrator think twice before clamping down on your fingers again!
If you’re dealing with a dyed-in-the-wool biter and this approach is less than effective, further consequences are in order. Try placing the child for time-out in a chair, on the bottom step, in a corner, or for a 2- or 3-year-old, in the bedroom. Kids generally dislike isolation, and the time-out experience should reinforce that biting results in less parental or teacher attention, not more.
Probably the best way to deal with biting behavior, though, is to prevent it from happening in the first place. Try to determine if there is a pattern to your child’s biting. In what situations does it occur most often — at school or home, when tired or wired, with close pals or only with new kids? Many children bite when overstimulated, and you may find that a few minutes of quiet solitary play will give your son back the self-control necessary to play with others more appropriately.
In addition to considering restricting your child’s environment while he’s going through the biting phase, it’s also wise to teach him some pro-social actions. After saying “NO!” to aggression, follow up (remember, short and simple) with a behavioral suggestion such as “I know that you want to play with Jason’s blocks — let’s ask him if you can, and if not, we’ll play with the cars.” Repeatedly teaching your child an alternative technique to get his needs met will eventually teach him to use his words rather than his teeth or other aggressive maneuvers. It may not work overnight, but neither do many behavior-changing tactics. Kids can be stubborn and ornery, and may need several go-rounds before they get the message.
Not to fear, though. Your child’s biting behavior, although embarrassing and perhaps nonsensical, will pass. Biting is not so much a predictor of future behavior problems as it is descriptive of his emotional immaturity. Help him to get through this stage of development by providing close supervision, removal from overstimulating situations, a firm “NO” or negative consequences such as time-out or loss of privileges. Don’t worry — he won’t bite his third-grade teacher when frustrated — that would not be cool. But he will probably retaliate in some other, quirky fashion. Just think of what you have to look forward to!
Aggression
Most kids fight with and tease their siblings, and sometimes their friends — I believe it to be a sport of childhood. Although no one enjoys getting beaten to a pulp, most will endure some pushing and shoving for three reasons. First, fighting can be fun — letting loose emotions that have been pent up is a great tension reliever, and parents often witness a certain calm after the storm. Second, fighting breaks up the boredom and to most kids boredom is a horrible state of affairs. The trouble is that what begins as playful wrestling or verbal jousting can often escalate beyond the fun zone and become nasty. Third, fighting, teasing, or knocking down another’s blocks often lead to either getting your way with the other kid, or to parental or teacher attention. It’s difficult for adults to ignore wails, screams, and loud insults coming from the back of the classroom or the next room. Inevitably, we rush in to check it out and end up playing judge and jury, a job most of us could do without.
To tone down fighting, teasing and bullying, try using the smiley-face system that I described above. The rule is that anyone in the tiff (either verbal or physical) immediately loses a smiley face, and most of the time that means that both kids will lose one. If the fuss continues and all three smileys get crossed out, both lose a treat from the jar and go to separate time-out spots. Once the kids realize that fighting results only in negative consequences (and not parental attention), the frequency of battles often decreases significantly.
If you are out of the home when the fighting or aggression occurs, let your little one know how inappropriate it is and that a smiley or two will be removed when you get home, then leave the playground, store, mall, etc. as soon as possible. If you have other children with you who are behaving properly, be sure to praise them for their appropriate behavior. And, when you catch your budding pro wrestler relating and playing well with his peers, be sure to heap on the praise so that he’ll get the idea that positive attention, for behaving well, really does feel good!
Not Sharing
Learning to share is a pro-social behavior that is one of the last developmental roadblocks to be conquered. Babies up to 12 months of age appear to share well — that’s because they are easily distracted, so when one toy is taken by a peer, another toy can be quickly switched for the original with hardly a howl to be heard. However, the toddler soon learns that if something is taken away from him he may not get it back, and that just won’t be tolerated. Ever notice that preschools tend to have several sets of the favorite toys, such as blocks and ride-ons, so that squabbles are held down to a minimum? They’ve learned that by this age, kids realize when a treasured toy’s been taken away and a fight may ensue.
If you would like to promote a greater sharing attitude in your child, try using the following approach. Sit with your son as he plays with a friend or two. Reward each kid verbally with praise as they either offer a toy to another or fuss only minimally when a toy is taken from them. Verbal praise (including hugs and kisses), a colorful stamp on the hand, a sticker, or an M&M all work great as rewards for this positive behavior. Smart kids will soon be sharing lots of possessions with their friends jut to receive your attention and praise!
However, if your child’s favorite toy or stuffed animal is involved, watch out. All bets may be off when it comes to sharing special treasures. Savvy parents put away the most important possessions when the play group is at their home. Why set the kid up for failure? After all, there’s only so much sharing any child can endure!
When siblings fight over the same toy, it may be a good idea to warn them that you will remove it for a while if they can’t work it out between themselves. If they can’t stop battling, take the toy away for a few days. When it’s returned, set up a schedule for each child to use it, and be sure to stick with it.
In some families, video-game wars become so vicious that the set must be removed permanently or a second one given as a birthday or other present. The bottom line is that if your kids don’t share well and fight over objects, you don’t have to tolerate it. Do something about it. Since you can’t get rid of the kid, the possession just may have to go! Your children may be unhappy at first, but they will have learned an important lesson — when you say “enough,” you mean it.
Temper tantrums
Okay, picture this — you’re at the park with your 4-year-old daughter, your girlfriend, and her 3-year-old son. After about 30 minutes of swinging the kids, watching them climb up the slide (rather than down, of course) and a rousing game of tag, you decide to hit the bench to take a bit of a break. Until your kid notices … then all heck breaks loose. You need a breather but apparently she doesn’t, and so the nagging starts. “Come on, Mom! Let’s run some more” quickly escalates when you don’t capitulate to a hearty (and very loud) “You promised to play with me. I don’t like you!” And then the fun really begins — there are more than just tears in store for you, as she’s practically wailing about how unfair it is and the sobs begin to come in waves. Talk about embarrassing — at least a thousand or so other parents must be looking right at you, wondering what in the world you’ve done to harm this little angel, or for the cynical voyeurs, what in the world is wrong with your kid. And, your girlfriend isn’t much help either — she and her boy have slithered away, leaving you to face the glances, and even glares, of the other park goers.
Yep, you’re right in the middle of a commercial-grade kid temper tantrum with no back up plan, nowhere to hide, and even your best buddy has abandoned you. What’s a parent to do in this type of situation, and what’s your kid’s meltdown really about? We’ve all experienced similar situations, felt the embarrassment as well as the confusion and anger, and many have reacted in ways that are less than appropriate. Let’s take a look at kid tantrums, both in the home and outside, for some insights as well as answers.
What’s a temper tantrum and why do they occur?
Kids don’t often lose their tempers; they tend to use their tempers. A meltdown is a tantrum, pure and simple. Depending upon your child’s personality, nature and style of communicating, the outburst can range from simple whining, crying and fussing to a full-fledged fall-to-the-floor, head-banging-free-for-all. Some kids become physical and aggressive (darned if they’re going to hurt themselves — they’d rather take a swing at Mom), others pout and refuse to come out from under the bench, table or from behind the tree, whereas very verbal children may fling a few choice expletives (“You’re a potty-head!”) or negative statements (“You’re not the boss of me, you can’t tell me what to do!”). Why? Well, most likely you’ve said the magic word — no.
Why do kids react so intensely to a measly two-letter word? Well, children tend to want what they want when they want it, and no definitely is a hindrance, from their perspective, toward achieving their goals. Whether it’s 10 more minutes of play, a snack before dinner, getting to stay up later or staying longer at a party, children tend to feel deprived, angry or sad when they perceive that they are not getting their needs met or getting their own way. Little ones tantrum over small things, whereas big kids and teens display meltdowns over more complex issues. Regardless of age, though, the common thread seems to be not being able to do, or to get, something that they want. Grade-schoolers may fuss when asked to turn off the TV and begin their homework; middle-schoolers pout at having to leave the mall without the parent purchasing a desired item of clothing; and teens, if denied a later curfew, can throw the mother-of-all-meltdowns by slamming doors, cursing, threatening to run away or taking the car without permission. Although the method may be different due to age, ability, cognitive development and whether one has a driver’s license or not, the kid’s behavior during a tantrum usually suggests that he or she is angry, frustrated or has just plain “had it.”
How to handle a tantrum when at home
It’s always a lot easier to deal with a tantrum when you are not in a public place — the child can be sent to time-out while you gather your thoughts to decide how to handle the incident. Try to give yourself time to come up with the best consequence to be meted out — it may be listening to your 5-year-old daughter’s argument once she can keep the whining down to a reasonable level while explaining her case and then the two of you coming up with a compromise, or it can be the taking away of a privilege or possession in order to get your child’s attention so that the misbehavior won’t occur again in the near future. Whatever path you choose, try to be reasonable, wait until both you and the child have calmed down before a disciplinary decision is made, and respond in a calm manner. If you need a time-out before you can calmly deal with your child again, take one — go to your room, grab a shower, or drop and do some push-ups on the floor!
Hopefully you’ve already set up some type of behavior management system that includes rewards for appropriate behavior and demerits for misbehavior, and you can use your game plan for enforcing consequences, good and bad. If not, please set up such a system (the smiley face program) as soon as possible so that you’ll be able to handle kid temper tantrums quickly and efficiently.
What to do when your kid melts down outside of the home
Children have the incredible knack of throwing a whopper of a tantrum when you’re in public — especially in the mall, at the grocery store, or in the car. It’s almost as if they know that your hands are somewhat tied in terms of disciplinary options, and boy, are they correct! It’s tough to put a 3-year-old in time-out in the middle of the mall, and it sure is embarrassing when your 5-year-old twins decide to play hide and seek between the racks of clothing in the department store. And they know it. Or, if you’re in the park and your child decides that she hasn’t had enough swinging, sliding and running time and is adamant about not leaving when you request her to head to the car, you are really in a bind.
But, it doesn’t have to be a behavioral free-for-all just because you’re in public and do not have a time-out room handy. First, try to be proactive in order to avoid the tantrums. Set up an agreement with your 4-year-old, such as “We’ll go to the park and I’ll bring my timer with me. When there are only 10 minutes left to play, the buzzer will go off, and I’ll warn you that we will have to leave soon, and I’ll set the timer for the remaining 10 minutes. When it goes off again that means that we will be leaving immediately. If you give me any problems — fussing, whining, pouting — we will go straight home and you will go into a five-minute time-out. And, we will not go back to the park again for a few days. Think about your behavior, and I hope that you make good choices.”
Also, use lots of positives in your communications with your child. Stress that you really appreciate the times when he or she is cooperative and follows your directions and requests. You may want to set up a “behavior/consequence deal” such as “I know that you get bored running errands with me. If you hold my hand and are polite while I’m returning some things at the store, and you don’t fuss with your little brother in the car, then on the way home we’ll stop and get some fries and a drink. And, I really appreciate your helpfulness — it makes our days together so much fun!”
Temper tantrums, at home or outside of the house, are normal, all-too-frequent kid behaviors. As they grow, children learn how to better handle frustration, irritation and taking-no-for-an-answer situations as you either ignore (at first) the fusses, verbally reprimand, or actively give a consequence for the tantrums. By also rewarding and praising their ability to tolerate let-downs and inconveniences, your children develop the capacity to better cope with disappointments and to consider positive, effective alternative behaviors.
Sleep Issues
Let’s take an easy one first — stalling about getting to bed. Most kids will do this; it's normal and an act of just not wanting to call it quits for the day. The most effective parental reaction? Take out the timer, set it for five minutes, say go! and the kid has to beat the buzzer into the bathroom to use the potty, get that last drink of water, and hit the sack before the buzzer goes off. Give praise, hugs and kisses if he does beat the buzzer, and if not then there’s no electronics (TV/videos, computer games) or playtime the next day. Works like a charm, but only if you really stick to it!
Now, what about a tougher problem — kids who have either been allowed, or trained, to not sleep in their own beds and insist upon your being with them throughout the night.
My philosophy about this type of kid sleep problem is that there really are no definite right or wrong answers — just end results that you’ll have to endure as a parent. Every family is different and has different expectations and tolerance levels. If you don’t mind having your 3-year-old sleep in your bed every night, then you probably don’t need the tactics that I’ll be describing below. But, if you’d like to get some sleep and keep the parental bed “adults only,” you may want to try some of the following suggestions.
The issues surrounding teaching your toddler or preschooler to sleep in his crib or bed and to self-calm to sleep are fertile ground for producing enormous guilt in parents. It may help if you try to think like a kid: “If I scream, they let me come into their bed.” Sounds like a swell idea to me, if I was a little kid! It’s a logical thought, but it keeps parents exhausted and deprives the child of learning one of the first lessons in self-control.
Let’s suppose that you’ve succumbed to the cries, and for two and a half years you’ve participated in your child falling asleep either in his bed (with you laying there with him half of the night) or in his sleeping in your bed all night long. When it’s only occasional, sleeping together as a family unit can be kind of nice — sort of a group bonding experience. There’s really nothing sweeter than waking up in the morning with a kid snoozing near your face. However, when he’s with you almost every night, it gets real old, real fast. Besides the lack of privacy, kids have a way of taking up well over their third of the bed and landing punches even as they sleep.
If your child has become a frequent visitor, or even a permanent resident in your bed, and you want to change this (remember, the choice is yours — there are no definite rights or wrongs about your child sleeping in your bed), I suggest using a behavior management system to keep him or her out of your bed and in their own. First, if she has developed the habit of falling asleep in your bed, encourage her to lie down in her own at bedtime. If necessary, after the bedtime ritual has been completed (taking the bath, brushing teeth, reading a book to her), sit in a chair near her bed (not in the bed) while reading your own book to yourself silently. Tell her that you are not going to engage in conversation since she is to be asleep soon. Some parents keep a jar of five candy or token treats handy, and every time the child talks, they remove one so the child realizes that not only is she going to be ignored, she actually loses one of her treats in the process. In the morning, give her all the treats that are left in the jar from the night before as a reward for going to bed and staying there.
Eventually, she’ll learn to quiet down and, after a few nights, may cease trying to engage you in conversation. Once the child is quiet, the odds are greater that she will fall asleep. Some families play tapes of soothing music to relax their kids, while others try to keep this time as quiet as possible. Some keep the room dark, while other kids prefer halogen floodlights — do whatever works!
Once she is sleeping, leave the room quietly. If she wakes during the night, either calmly take her back to her own bed and tuck her in, or have a sleeping bag and pillow ready for her on the floor of your bedroom near your bed. Tell her earlier in the evening that if she wakes up and can’t go back to sleep in her own bed, it’s okay to come to your room but not to get in your bed and not to wake you up. She won’t like any of this at first, because the sleeping bag on the floor is not nearly as comfortable as your bed, but remind her that if she does wake you up, she’ll be marched back to her own room and she can scream it out there!
So, if you want to take control of your kid’s sleep problems, I suggest adopting the following rules and consequences:
A special treat is given in the morning for making it through the night in her own bed. Neither negative nor positive consequences are given if she comes into your room in the middle of the night, sleeps in the sleeping bag, and does not wake you up. A negative consequence, such as loss of playtime or TV/videos the next day, is given if she wakes you up or climbs into your bed. Of course, if your child is sick at night and needs your help, she is encouraged to seek you out. This distinction should be made clear to her so she won’t be afraid to get you if she is actually ill.
Toilet Training
Potty training is a real rite of passage — “I’m a big boy/girl now” kind of stuff! Most parents prefer to let their child “tell” them when she is ready to give up the diaper, but some folks find themselves in the unenviable position of having to rush potty training in order to meet criteria for admission to a preschool situation.
Some preschools take the humane approach of helping to train the child by having him watch his peers use the potty, whereas other facilities adhere to a firm “no diaper” policy. If the preschool of your choice insists upon the latter, you certainly have a challenge on your hands, especially if you have only a short amount of time in which to accomplish this goal.
We have all heard of someone’s kid who virtually trained herself — just woke up one morning, ripped off the diaper, plopped her butt on the potty seat, and, voila!, mission accomplished! However, for most parents, potty training is usually a trial-and-error event — initially beginning at around 24 months, trying again at 30 months and, if unsuccessful, finally succeeding at 3 or 4 years of age.
As the personalities of children differ, so does maturity and readiness for potty training. Some kids don’t want to be bothered — they have spent their entire lives peeing and pooping in their diapers, are used to the sights and smells, and could probably go a few more years with Mom or Dad doing all the work. These kids are the ones who have to be convinced that there is something in it for them in order to go along with the potty-training program.
Others are eager to lose the diaper and don pull-up disposables or training pants. These tend to be independent kids who are modeling their behavior on older children in their families or play groups. They consider pottying a fun and interesting activity and take great pride in their accomplishment.
A third type of kid, probably the most frustrating, is the child who appears to be trained but is consistently inconsistent — on one week, off the next, depending upon the structure of the environment. The parent knows that the child understands what is expected of him and also feels that he is developmentally mature enough to control urinary and rectal muscles. He seems to lose interest, though, and frequently has relapses.
What to do? Well, with the first type of child, the one who couldn’t care less, I would suggest using a “successive approximation approach” (gradual steps to goal achievement). First, reward your child just for taking her pull-up diaper down herself when being changed. Give her a choice of rewards — either a sticker, a colorful stamp on her hand or a few M&Ms, and always a big hug. The next step would involve taking her pull-up off by herself before being changed. Once that is accomplished, tell your daughter that to get the treat she has to take off her pull-up and to sit on the potty. You may find that she feels more secure sitting backward on the toilet, holding on to the tank lid for security, or using a child’s potty. Reward her for sitting on the potty, at first, for just one minute, and then the time should be increased to two, three or four minutes before giving the treat, even if urination or defecation does not occur. You may want to put a CD or tape player in the bathroom with cool kid songs for your child to listen to while they wait for “something” to happen. Give the child a star on a calendar just for trying. When she has earned ten stars, allow her to pick out a treat from the goody bag or a trip to the park.
Making the whole pottying process interesting entices this reticent child to urinate in the potty. You can put a drop of blue food coloring in the toilet and she’ll see that her yellowish urine changes the toilet water to green! Or, draw, with a marker, a target on a sheet of toilet paper and, bombs away — see if she can make the paper sink to the bottom of the toilet. Hey, whatever interests your kid, makes this a fun activity and keeps her attention, do it! After a while urinating, and hopefully later defecating, will become second nature and not an issue to be dealt with.
The second type of child I spoke of above, the one who is curious, independent, and virtually self-trains, is a pleasure. If your kid seems to fit into this group, one of the best ways to complete the process is to let her run around the house bare-bottomed for several days, so that getting on the potty is easy and quick and accidents are avoided. Once she has this down to a science, training pants or pull-ups can be used. Pile on the praise — she’s not only pleasing herself, she’s pleasing you and loves your hugs and kisses for being such a “big girl” and trying so hard.
Now, for the child who is consistently inconsistent in his pottying behavior. These children seem to do well in structured situations, using the toilet appropriately when you keep them on a schedule by sending them to the bathroom thirty minutes after a meal or drink, or upon returning home from preschool. If left to their own devices, however, they tend to become distracted. Stopping play to take the time to use the bathroom just doesn’t seem important, and they can easily endure wet, even poopy pants.
I’ve found that teaming rewards with negative consequences works best for this type of kid. Each day that the underwear is dry deserves a reward — possibly a token for an arcade game at Chuck E. Cheese, a star on a chart, a small treat or a poker chip to be saved and accumulated to be traded in for a trip to the toy store at a later date. In addition to the reward, the negative consequence of having to clean his or her own underwear will usually have an impact on your child. Most of these kids can sit in wet pants, but don’t like to touch them with their hands! Have him or her wash them out in the tub or sink, and then place them in the washing machine. She’ll soon realize that ignoring the bladder urge and wetting her pants is just not worth it, and she’ll do a better job of getting to a bathroom on time in the future. Potty training can be a struggle, but boy-oh-boy, are these kids proud of themselves once they get it down pat. And, so are you!
Dr. Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to “Today.” She is also the consultant psychologist for the Family Program at the Pritikin Longevity Center, a nutrition and exercise facility in Aventura, Florida. For more information you can visit her Web site at . Copyright ©2004 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved.