Pop by any playground and inevitably you’ll see an exasperated mom or dad carting their screaming kid to the parking lot. Getting children to leave a place they don’t want to leave, can be emotionally and physically exhausting for all parties involved.
Parenting coach Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta says it doesn’t have to be that way. The mom of three in Santa Cruz, California, recently shared a technique to prevent tantrums when it’s time to head home.
In the clip, Hauge-Zavaleta shares footage of Australian dad Luke Trevillian announcing to his sons, who are playing in a bouncy castle, that they will be leaving in five minutes. The brothers appear caught off guard by this new information, and one begins to cry. The other starts negotiating.
“This is going to end in a meltdown,” Hauge-Zavaleta predicts in a now-viral TikTok video that she stitched with Trevillian, or aka.lukeandrew as he’s known on the social media app.
“There’s a fundamental clash of perspectives between the adult brain and the child brain when you’re trying to transition,” Hauge-Zavaleta says. “This dad is future-oriented. You know how I know? he said, ‘Hey, guys, five minutes and then we’re leaving.’ His language is focused on what comes next.”
Meanwhile, kids are focused on what they’re doing right now, Hauge-Zavelta explains.
She notes that Trevillian eventually stopped filming because his children were so distraught about leaving. According to Hauge-Zavaleta the key to transitioning from a preferred activity to a less preferred activity comes down to working with your child’s brain.
“Focus on what they’re focusing on,” she says. Instead of saying, “Five more more till we leave,” try “Five more minutes to play.” Once you've established that a transition is happening, Hauge-Zavaleta recommends joining your child for those last few minutes. Getting close is a way of holding firmness, she says.
Hauge-Zavaleta points out that Trevillian is standing “a couple body links away when he gave the initial direction.
She also recommends using melodic intonation, which applies musical elements to speech. For example when Hauge-Zavaleta is counting down from 5, she sings the one.
When you're feeling frustrated with your kiddo, Hauge-Zavaleta says to remember there is a fundamental mismatch between parent perspective and child perspective when it comes to transitions.
“Parents are very forward focused. You’re leaving the park and you’re thinking, ‘Are we going to get home in time to do the next thing?” she tells TODAY.com. “And you’re child is in the moment. They are thinking, ‘This bouncy house, or this swing is so delightful.’”
When you see parents hauling kids to the car, there's a good chance they tried to speed up the transition process, Hauge-Zavaleta says.
“We would all be so much better served to slow that interaction down and be super intentional about the directions we’re giving around leaving," she says.
Lastly, you want to join your kids after you’ve given them the 10, or five minute minute warning.
“Go down the slide, give them four more pushes on the swing, help them close that activity,” she says.
It’s also important to remain calm and put yourself in your kids’ shoes.
“Frequently you’re taking them from a preferred activity to a non-preferred activity.” Hauge-Zavaleta says. “The future has very little meaning to our kids. They're thinking, 'Why would I want to get off this swing to go to the grocery store when I’m getting a sensory delight and my friend is here.”
Trevillian — aka “bouncy castle dad” — tells TODAY.com, he “trialed” Hauge-Zavaleta’s method “with some success. He also shared a technique that's working for his family.
“I have had to implement some form of participation by the children in allowing them to set the timer on my phone for the last 10 minutes of fun’ and once the alarm goes off, I don’t need to say 'times up,'" Trevillian says. "They are well aware and also feel like they had some contribution to the decision to leave."