Q: I’ll admit it — I’m a perfectionist, and I insist that things be done the right way. Lately, though, my family is accusing me of being rigid and antagonistic. How can I lighten up?
A: There is nothing wrong with having high standards, but there is something wrong if you insist that everyone do things the right way — your way.
Perfectionists see the world in terms of right and wrong. They feel that rules are very important, that there is no room for flexibility and that something bad will happen if they make a mistake or don’t maintain control.
Perfectionists often nag their family — whether it’s ordering the children to keep their bedrooms pristine or pressuring their husbands to be successful at work. They follow the more rigid social rules and feel obligated to keep up appearances.
It’s likely you acquired these perfectionistic tendencies long ago, especially if you were rewarded and loved as a child for doing things right.
The problem is that others find it difficult to be around people with this mindset. They are likely to perceive you as critical, rigid and judgmental. Your relatives are apt to feel they are always falling short, no matter how hard they try.
And the burden is not just on them. Not only do you create stressful relationships — you no doubt feel anxious from the need to maintain perfection.
You need to learn the joys of flexible thinking. Once you accept the broadening notion that there are many ways to do things, life becomes rich and complex, full of whimsy, originality and surprise. It doesn’t mean you have to give up all your high standards — indeed, people no doubt appreciate your efforts in many areas — it’s just that you shouldn’t expect everyone to live life as you prescribe it.
The sky will not fall in if you are not there to hold it up. It’s okay to make mistakes and break rules. Imagine that!
To overcome your perfectionism, start with small steps. For example:
- Choose to do something “wrong.” Let the bed stay unmade and let the kids play in the mud. In other words, get messy, make mistakes.
- Do a half-baked job. Toss off a quick thank-you note by e-mail instead of sending a formal handwritten card.
- Don’t interfere with your family’s decisions. If your children have messy rooms, it’s okay to let them stay that way. If your husband wears a tie that doesn’t match the rest of his clothes, so what?
These actions are likely to make you anxious and uncomfortable at first, but they will teach you that “wrong” and “right” are often relative.
Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: Don't let perfectionism get in the way of your relationships — they are much more important than keeping up appearances.
Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” This column was adapted from her new book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back.” For more information, you can visit her Web site, .
PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific medical or psychological advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand their lives and health. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist. Copyright ©2004 Dr. Gail Saltz. All rights reserved.