Q: My sister and her family are coming to town for Thanksgiving. I’ve always felt inadequate in comparison, and I’m afraid we will argue. How can I best get through this long and dreaded weekend?
A: As you know, the holidays can be hugely stressful, even without the difficulties of family tensions. Do everything you can to not re-live your childhood roles. Instead, try to relate to each other as the adults you are.
Sibling rivalry in childhood is perfectly normal. But it doesn’t just go away. Unresolved rivalry issues are not rational, but they are emotionally powerful and can drive you to compete, even now, in unproductive ways. Even if it no longer matters whose grades are higher, it now feels that it matters whose job pays better.
A holiday gathering can be especially incendiary. It may be one of the few times you see your sister. In addition, other relatives — who have known you your entire lives — often are present. So are rituals that keep the family flame alive. These times of year come accompanied by the emotional baggage provided by plenty of memories and history.
Grown-up sibling rivalries lead to lose-lose situations. Instead of a holiday that under other circumstances could be a source of joy for all concerned, you — and the loved ones around you — suffer a long weekend of trial and tension. More important, you stand to drive an even bigger wedge between you and someone with whom you have spent a large part of your life. What a waste!
So, grit your teeth and resolve to do the following as you go through the holidays:
Re-evaluate your old roles. In childhood, you may have been the decision-maker and your sister the baby. It can be hard to see that this has changed, and easy to operate as though it hasn’t. So take a new look at the dynamic between you and your sister, and treat one another as the adults you have become.
Don’t accuse. Saying, “You never help load the dishwasher,” comes off as an attack, to which nobody responds well. Your point is more palatable, and therefore better heard, if you start your request with “I” — for example, “I would love your help with the dishwasher.”
Think before you act or speak. Try not to escalate inflamed emotions. It’s easy to get sucked into an argument when all the old players are involved. Old memories do pull you back into your old ways, so keep in the front of your mind that these are new, adult relationships — and proceed accordingly.
Resist the temptation to fall into childhood roles during the holidays. Though those roles are powerful, with effort you can update them and move beyond them.
Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” Her new book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was recently published by Riverhead Books. For more information, you can visit her Web site, .
PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific medical or psychological advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand their lives and health. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist. Copyright ©2004 Dr. Gail Saltz. All rights reserved.