Ah, Martha Stewart. The name brings to mind so many things ... from homemade apple pie to a popular television show to handfuls of glitter to tweets that read like ancient hieroglyphics.
Today, the "Good Things" connoisseur is 75.
Yes, in just 75 years, she's managed to do, well, everything. She can bake. She can cook. She can sew. She can hoverboard. You name it; Martha can do it.
Before most food bloggers were born and long before Instagram was invented, Martha was already kicking butt and taking names on the domestic playing field. Heck, she was the first one on that field, ploughing and tilling and mulching it until its pH-neutralized, aerated soil was ready for the seeds of tomorrow's lifestyle gurus.
If you will.
But not only has she learned how to be an expert at everything under the sun, we've gotten to learn right alongside her, thanks to her penchant for "how to" tutorials.
Below, all the things we've learned during Martha's glittery, sugary reign on this planet:
1. How to rap about household items.
We are forever scarred. I mean, inspired.
2. The anatomy of the perfect chocolate chip cookie.
Like it crispy? Chewy? Thin? Thick? Yup, you can have it your way now.
3. How to look cool ... even next to Snoop Dogg.
Do yourself a favor and watch this one all the way through.
4. On that note, she and Snoop also taught us how to bake "green brownies" without getting caught.
You know, brownies with green sprinkles on them. Get your mind out of the gutter.
5. How to fold a fitted sheet.
Well, sort of. We're still having trouble with this one.
6. All about GLITTER.
Also: How to get the stuff absolutely everywhere.
7. How to make even our dogs look smashing.
Like ... literally. (Don't forget Martha Stewart Pets, people.)
8. How to transition a career.
Yep, Martha stunned as a model in a previous life.
9. How to make the best mac 'n' cheese of all time. 'Nuff said.
That's a whole lot of apostrophes fueling one very pure sentiment: Martha's recipe makes the best mac 'n' cheese ... ever. (Also, leave it to Martha to regale us with the entire history of the dish before introducing us to her recipe.)
10. And how to nail the one-pot pasta recipe.
This one is life-changing.
11. How to throw shade — notably, at Justin Bieber.
In pink sequins, no less.
12. How to throw literal shade.
This, too, is important.
13. But mostly ... just ... shade-shade.
Burn. If you'll recall, Gwyneth Paltrow responded with this jailbird cake recipe.
14. How to ogle — and even grope — an unsuspecting male celebrity.
"Oh my God, it's so great."
15. How to tweet everyone else out of the water.
You okay, Marth?
16. (The "hydrating coconut water," that is.)
Bet you've never seen a smoothie like this before.
17. How to make a pierogi worthy of Big Martha.
"I worked closely by her side, writing down the recipes so we would have them forever." Somehow, we can't help reading that sentence without a hint of, well, doom.
18. Speaking of Big Martha ... she taught us how to learn from your elders.
Once we got to know Martha's mother, everything made sense.
19. How to fly.
She can do it all.
20. How to keep your cool while baking alongside the most respected cookie expert on the planet.
You try baking cookies with Cookie Monster looking on.
21. How to *really* party.
You know it's true.
22. That there's no such thing as "too many sprinkles."
Hooooly sugar.
23. The art of the ultimate humble brag.
Okay, okay, we get it.
24. How to ... um ... Marth?!
Earth to Marth. EARTH TO MARTH.
25. How to blog.
Ah, The Martha Blog. It inspires within us an impressive combination of fear, delight and confusion.
26. How to get "turned on" by food porn.
Her words, not mine.
27. How to take a joke.
Well, sort of.
28. And how to pole dance.
"You got me on the pole, woohoo!"
29. How to find alternate condom sources.
Because there isn't a PG way to make sausages.
30. How to turn some innocent iceberg lettuce into a crime scene ...
Dear God.
31. ...and soup into a still from a horror movie.
At least it's fragrant and very very good.
32. How to make everything better, from Easter ...
Put your puny chocolate rabbits away, plebeians.
33. ... to grilled cheese ...
With pears.
34. ... to chicken noodle soup ...
Six ingredients, y'all.
35. ... to weddings.
This isn't your average bouquet.
36. How to stay away from processed foods.
Keep it healthy.
37. Oh, and she taught us how to make this, forever changing the cake game.
*Faints.*
38. She also taught us about things we never knew we needed. Case in point: this felt carrot pouch.
You need it. You just do.
40. And these Halloween costumes for your dogs.
You're telling me you weren't planning on dressing your dogs up for Halloween? You monster.
41. And these pineapples made out of paper.
Why not. WHY NOT.
42. And, last but not least, THE MEATLOAF CAKE.
Happy birthday from your friends who hate you!
43. The truth is, when it comes to making the ordinary extraordinary, Martha kills it. Take these flower cupcakes she showed us how to make.
They're just ingenious.
44. She even taught us how to make the English language more fun.
Fun, or, well, wrong.
45. Like this.
"If you want please tell me if you like my photos." OK!
46. She taught us that a cow — just one singular cow! — is worth a thousand words.
*Tears up.*
47. And that run-on sentences are just more fun.
"Olives sardines. Bitter greens. Berries fermented foods nuts and seeds orange vegetables eggs" HOLD ONTO YOUR HORSES, PEOPLE; YOU'RE IN FOR A WILD RIDE.
48. From Martha, we learned how to pull a horse's tooth. Because. Well.
Becaaaauuuuse sometimes you've got a horse whose teeth need pulling.
49. And how to knit a stool.
It only takes 17 years, probably!
50. Last but not least, she taught us how to "do time" the right way.
Yoga and weaving classes are the only acceptable ways to pass the time.