Celebrities are just like anyone else. Sure, they’re rich and famous and get pulled over for DUIs a lot. But essentially they’re no different than most.
They often make poor choices in mates. They overindulge. They fail to save money, believing it will continue to come in an endless stream. They pack on weight. They’re insecure. They make New Year’s resolutions, or at least try, just like most Americans.
Of course, because of their frenetic schedules, they don’t always have time to do so. Often the new year comes and goes without resolutions. Sometimes they have their agents or personal assistants make the resolutions for them and then send reminders on their BlackBerries, but it’s not the same.
That’s where I come in.
I’m happy to help. I appreciate celebs and what they do for our culture. The least I can do is come up with some suggestions for how they can make personal improvements in 2008:
- Britney Spears will resolve to stop giving advice on men to her younger sister.
- Paris Hilton will resolve to find a good man and settle down. Then she’ll make the same resolution the following night.
- Mischa Bartonwill resolve to find a man who shares common interests, like Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who also has a DUI under his belt.
- Jessica Simpson will resolve to help the Dallas Cowboys while showing her love for Tony Romo by wearing a player’s jersey from the opposing team.
- The Writers Guild of America will resolve to organize their protest chants into a conventional three-act structure.
- Will Smith will resolve never to mention the name Hitler again. He will also resolve to never mention the names Stalin, Mussolini or the guy who advised him to make “I, Robot.”
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The year in entertainment
A look back at 2007, including Anna Nicole’s death, Britney’s fall from grace and Helio’s "Dancing" win.
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trueH6falsetrue1Former “Lost” star Michelle Rodriguez will resolve to get her act together before she loses all potential acting gigs. - Prince Michael II, the young son of pop star Michael Jackson, will resolve never again to punch his dad in the face, or at least make sure that there is always someone around to pull his fist out.
- Amy Winehouse will resolve to finally accept the advice of friends and family and rent “Sid and Nancy.”
- Jennifer Love Hewitt will resolve to always keep her sweatpants on, even at formal occasions.
- The media will resolve to stop sensationalizing incidents like the one in which Tara Reid allegedly collapsed at a party in Bali after a promotional tour of Australia and focus on the real story, which is “Tara Reid was on a promotional tour of Australia?!”
- Shia LaBeouf will resolve to do a much better job of avoiding trouble than he did when he was picked up inebriated at a Chicago Walgreens at 2 a.m. Otherwise, how is he going to be believable as Indiana Jones’ sidekick?
- Don Imus will resolve to watch his mouth, but will draw the line at watching women’s basketball.
- Lindsay Lohan will resolve that, before dating a guy, she will ask the question, “Are you a lowlife blabbermouth who will reveal the most intimate details of our relationship to a tabloid?”
- New Zealanders Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement, stars of the HBO comedy, “Flight of the Conchords,” will resolve to crack a smile.
- Miley Cyrus will resolve to limit tickets to her concerts to four per scalper.
- J.K. Rowling will resolve to release a collection of her grocery lists just to see if millions of kids dress up in costume and stay up all night to buy it.
- Led Zeppelin will resolve to go on tour, as long as they can round up enough 60-year-old groupies.
- Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump will both resolve not to lower themselves to respond to insults from each other, because there’s no more room left down there.
- Ellen DeGeneres will resolve to make sure and enroll each member of her staff in behavioral training before allowing them to get involved in disputes over dogs.
- Oprah Winfrey will resolve that before hiring another dorm matron at her girls’ academy in South Africa, she will put that person through an even more extensive grilling than she gave author James Frey, who fabricated elements of his memoir “A Million Little Pieces.”
- Wesley Snipes will resolve to find more people to blame for his tax problems.
- Owen Wilson will resolve to remember all the people who care about him before he does anything crazy again.
- Faith Hill will resolve to think twice before telling a fan at a country music concert, “You don’t go grabbing … somebody’s husband’s balls!”
- Kanye West and 50 Cent will resolve to make a CD together — as soon as they finish counting the money generated from their feud.
- “The Sopranos” creator David Chase will resolve to end any future series he works on with an ending.
- “John From Cincinnati” creator David Milch will resolve to explain to the public just what the hell he was thinking.
- O.J. Simpson will resolve to ask a lot of questions around the prison yard in hopes of finding the real killers.