Last week's "Desperate Housewives" episode was the show's last until it returns Jan. 7 — until then, the Sunday-night ABC standby will be pre-empted for various Christmas and other specials. The show ended on a suspenseful, if creepy note: New neighbor Art Washburn all but admitted to Wisteria Lane resident Lynette Scavo that he is, as she suspects, a pedophile.
It's a rather disturbing plot for a show that has, over two and a half seasons, never really settled on a tone of its own.
Is "Housewives" a comedy, as pratfalling Susan and mouthy ex-model Gabrielle often make it appear to be? Is the show a murder mystery — after all, its body count occasionally rivals that of Is it a drama, dealing with issues such as pedophilia, adoption, and depression, or more of a soap opera, tossing in those serious elements briefly, and forgetting them as soon as another distraction enters the picture?
Sadly for "Housewives" fans, the answer this season so far has been: All of the above.
The first season of "Housewives" had at its heart a murder mystery that involved one of the show's main characters, narrator Mary Alice Young, who fatally shot herself in the pilot. The mystery, which involved baby theft, hidden paternity and an outwardly normal-looking suburban couple keeping up appearances all while hiding deep, dark secrets, was rather satisfying, and was decently wrapped up by season's end. It reached out to involve and intertwine a number of Wisteria Lane neighbors, and allowed viewers to emphasize with and relate to different characters — even, perhaps, the murderer, Mary Alice herself.
The much-dissed second season, however, fell flat, despite the fact that again, a murder mystery was at the heart of the show. A new family was introduced, mom Betty and son Matthew Applewhite, the only African-American family to play a major role on "Desperate Housewives." Like Mary Alice, they had a creepy secret: Betty's other son, Caleb, was an accidental murderer, and she was keeping him locked in a basement prison to try and protect her family. The plot only was updated erratically by the show's writers, and since Betty and Matthew were never developed much outside their murder plot, viewers never seemed to take to them. The Applewhites were finally written out as the second season ended.
Many had high hopes, then, for this third season. Show creator Marc Cherry is running the show again, and surely his vision could right the course of the drama, which still pulls in more than 20 million viewers each week, and is a regular in the Nielsen Top Ten.
But as the season began, viewers could be forgiven for thinking they were watching reruns of old plots. Marcia Cross' Bree Van De Kamp once had been engaged to psycho murdering pharmacist George; now she was suddenly wed to psycho probable-murderer dentist Orson Hodge. Women in Orson's past were coming forward to tell Bree about his bad attitudes towards women, just as they had with George. There's a new cute boy in the neighborhood — it was Matthew last season, now it's Edie's nephew, Austin. And in the pilot, a mysterious body was seen being uncovered, just as the body of Deirdre, Mike's ex-girlfriend and Zach's birth mother, had showed up in the first season. Say what you will about ABC's other 2004 hit, at least they keep things original (if utterly incomprehensible at times).
Annoying Nora goes out with a bang
Bree and Susan have always been the main two "Housewives." Their love travails and personality quirks all but direct most week's scripts. Sexy Gabrielle Solis has served as eye candy and occasional comic relief, and Edie Britt sometimes doesn't even get a line in a weekly episode.
But it's , seemingly the only mom of very young children on this suburban street, has struggled to find her spot in the show. That's through no fault of the excellent Felicity Huffman, who plays Scavo, or of "Melrose Place" vet Doug Savant, who plays her husband, Tom. Instead it's that the writers have never seemed to know what to do with a seemingly happy couple with kids. Lynette struggled with ludicrous nanny issues before going back to work and then seeing her work issues apparently disappear. And she regularly was painted as the neighborhood's nosy nag. Never was that more apparent than this season. First, Tom revealed the existence of a love child, daughter Kayla, whose mother was the highly annoying Nora. Nora repeatedly jabbed her nose into Scavo family business in an incredibly tiresome way until the character was abruptly, if necessarily, killed off in a supermarket hostage situation. (What? Your supermarket doesn't have hostage situations?)
With Nora gone, Lynette needed someone else to play off of, and the show remembered the creepy neighbor plot that didn't work with the Applewhites and thought to try it again. Art and Rebecca Washburn were introduced — though wheelchair-bound Rebecca barely got 10 lines before being killed off offscreen last week. Art began in a place of honor, saving Lynette's life in the supermarket shooting. But he quickly sank from grace when Lynette walked uninvited into his house and discovered toys aplenty and a wall covered with photos of half-naked little boys.
Rebecca tried to explain the photos as simply being members of the swim team Art coaches, but Lynette wasn't buying it. She spread the word in the 'hood, which led to a giant group of Wisteria Lane residents massing with picket signs and even a stone or two, prepared to drive the evil from their street. What could have been an interesting plot (Lynette, going off half-cocked yet again, inadvertently causes Rebecca's fatal heart attack) was all but ruined when it turned out Art probably is a pedophile, since he stupidly all but confessed to Lynette in the street.
The pedophile plot is creepy beyond belief, but at least it fit certain criteria for successful "Housewives" plots. It's now clear that certain plots work on this show, while others, no matter how many times they're tried, do not.
Getting all four (five, with Edie) of the main "Housewives" together almost always works. Some of the most interesting scenes develop when the stars are sitting around at poker or over coffeecake, dishing on the 'hood's happenings. These group gatherings often set up smaller confrontations, in which two women clash — Susan and Edie battle over Mike, or Bree and Susan wrassle over Susan's growing suspicions of Orson.
The writers want big, bang-up endings, hence the sheer number of secrets and murder plots in this one neighborhood. Those can work, but with qualifications. They work best when viewers actually watch the plot develop before their eyes, and when the people involved are already established characters. No one cared about the Applewhites because no one knew them or their murder victim Yet viewers are still talking about how the show should bring back Rex, Bree's murdered husband. Not only was he a character with an existence and backstory outside his death, but his murder was parceled out episode by episode, with viewers watching the crime, and longing for punishment for George, his crazy killer.
It's also easy to make a bad episode, however. Forcing viewers to care about a murder victim they never met, whether it's the Applewhites' Melanie or this new Monique, is a tough assignment. Whenever a police officer or detective shows up on Wisteria Lane, it's a good time to refill your beverage — this show is not and it's hard to care about peace officers who might as well have "Hi, I'm just here to advance the plot" written on their badges.
Also less interesting is "Housewives" younger generation. Bree has two teens, Susan has one, and Edie now has a nephew. The show often remembers that these actors exist and decides to fashion a romance or a rebelling-against-the-parents storyline. Of these, the most interesting involved Bree's son, Andrew, who became a male hustler after his mother threw him out. The plot worked so well because it played off the perfection of preppy Bree, outwardly a Mother of the Year candidate, and the disaster their relationship was in real life. But that was an exception: Julie and Austin's romance, as with the now-late Matthew's love for Danielle, just feels like another good spot to take a snack break.
The third season of "Desperate Housewives" has been a bit hit-or-miss. As hated as Nora was, Tom having another child ups the ante in his marriage to Lynette. Orson and Bree wed unbelievably fast, and no one cares about Monique or his ex, Alma, but watching Bree deal with the inevitable fallout should be reward enough. Gaby's floundering a bit now (teaching kiddie pageant classes? come on!) but at least it feels more natural to her than the awkward motherhood role the show was forcing her towards. Mike's coma is finally over, and while regular viewers suspect there's no way the show will allow him to be Monique's murderer, his connection with Orson gives him something to play off rather than the Susan-or-Edie conundrum.
The show has planted some interesting seeds in this new season, even if some of them feel a bit too familiar. Perhaps this holiday hiatus will give the writers time to steal a page from football coaches in their off-seasons, rewatching film of what's come so far, and planning a fresh new focus for January and beyond.
Gael Fashingbauer Cooper is MSNBC.com's Television Editor.