In his new book, comedian Adam Carolla shares his rants about the current state of the world, particularly what he sees as the lack of manliness in an oversanitized, politically correct society.
Chapter three: Where have all the fellas gone?
Far too many guys in their forties can’t turn a wrench or swing a hammer nowadays. But they have tons of opinions about the new Silver Surfer movie. It’s a sure sign of the pu--iﬁcation of America. What happened?
Forget about actually being a man’s man — guys don’t even bother to lie about being manly anymore. It used to be a fella would at least have enough dignity that when he was driving with the missus and the car wouldn’t start, even though he didn’t know what the f--- to look for, he’d say, “Pop the hood.” He’d stand there and stare at the engine for a while, set his cigarette on top of the air cleaner, and yell, “Try it now.” Of course the engine wouldn’t start, but at least he looked like a man. Now the guy says, “Call Triple-A. I don’t want to get my cuticles dirty.”
It’s the same thing with ﬁghting. Guys used to have stories where they said, “This son of a bitch spilled a drink on my old lady at the bar, so I got in his face and said, ‘If you’re looking for trouble, you found it. You’re in for a world of hurt.’ ” Now dudes tell stories that go, “I honked at a guy and he got out of his car so I called 911. But I got a busy signal, so I locked myself in and hit the OnStar button.”
What happened to the bullsh-- factor where you at least pretended to be a guy?
Here’s a good ﬁght story. And it’s all true.
I was about twenty-one and was with ﬁve buddies looking to get laid at a party. It was a nice house in the hills and someone’s parents were out of town. The problem was I was the only one not getting laid, because I had hooked up with a nutty chick. So I wanted to leave. As I was walking down the stairs exiting the party, the chick told a group of tough guys who were just arriving that I had hit her. I had done no such thing but now I really wish I had. So they followed me down the stairs and were threatening me.
It was like some multicultural gang from a bad TV show — a big husky Mexican guy, a brother, and three white guys. I said I couldn’t ﬁght because I had arthroscopic knee surgery three days earlier; I still had stitches and just took the brace off. But the big Mexican guy responded, “I’m gonna break your other knee.” I was drunk, so I said, “Okay, it’s just me and you, right? You’re the one with a beef. If your friends promise not to jump in, I’ll ﬁght you.” He agreed, so we headed out to the street and I started beating him up. I was a good boxer. I was just hitting him and he wasn’t hitting me back. Eventually I whacked him hard; he fell into his group of friends and didn’t come back at me. Then I made the mistake of taunting him. “Hey buddy, you wanted it. You were Mr. Tough Guy on the stairs. You begged me to ﬁght and now I’m out here kicking your ass, so come on, you pu---. I ain’t done. Bring it on.”
Mid-taunt, I felt a sting on my left shoulder and heard the sound of breaking glass. One of his buddies had thrown a beer bottle and it broke when it hit me. Six inches higher and I’m sure it would have ruptured my eardrum. But this thing just shattered and fell to the ground without so much as a scratch. But then out of nowhere his buddy, a guy I later found out was named Terry, took an aluminum baseball bat, came up behind me, and took a full swing at my knee. Maybe he was trying to keep his friend’s promise to break my other knee. What the f--- is wrong with people? Who thinks, “I have no issue with this guy, I’ve never met him before, he just had knee surgery, but I’m going to come up behind him when he’s not looking and take a full crack at him with an aluminum bat like they used to kill Joe Pesci in Casino”? He took a home-run swing, but thankfully it wasn’t at the knee with the stitches in it. Instead he shot high and hit the ﬂeshy part of my thigh. All it did was sting and make me curtsy. Then all ﬁve of them jumped on me and one of them hit me with a good uppercut that busted my lip open and spilled blood all over my nice white button-up shirt. I found the guy who hit me — it was the black guy, and interestingly enough he was the kung-fu guy of the group. We started going at it. It was one in the morning on a street in Studio City and we were reenacting a scene from Enter the Dragon. While we were trading kicks and punches, the cops arrived and it broke up.
In the end those guys thought I was a maniac because I had a beer bottle broken over me, been hit with a baseball bat, and after all ﬁve of them jumped on me and busted my lip open, I was screaming for more. The guy who wanted to ﬁght in the ﬁrst place was much worse off than I was. But I still, and rightfully so, wanted some revenge on the animal who had hit me with the bat. I knew he was a local guy, and I spent six months trying to ﬁnd him.
Cut to New Year’s Eve. I was at a party at my friend Umgad Abuzamzam’s place making out with some chick in a bathroom. There was a violent pounding at the door. It was my buddy Ray. He was hammered and screaming at the top of his lungs, “It’s Ray, get out here.” I said, “Leave me alone.” I was with a chick whose panties were around her ankles. I didn’t have time for Ray. But he insisted, “Get out here, you’ve gotta see this.” So me and the girl got our sh-- together and opened the door. Ray had Terry, the bat man himself, in a headlock. I can’t imagine what was going through his head. Here it is six months later, Ray’s got him by the neck, and he’s staring at the guy who took on him and four friends, a beer bottle, and a bat, and was asking for more. Ray was offering Terry up to me like a cat when it catches a bird and drags it into the house. As a result of Terry begging for mercy, my lack of killer instinct, and my boner, I told Ray to let him go. So Ray ﬂicked him away like a cigarette butt.
Then, ﬁve years later, I was standing on the street in front of my apartment building waiting for someone who was gonna check out the truck I was selling. I noticed a large moving van being unloaded by a new tenant. I remember thinking, This is a big f---ing Mexican guy about to move into my building. I didn’t recognize him. But he recognized me. He said, “I know you, man.” So I asked, “Oh, did you play some Pop Warner football with me or something?” He said, “No, I know you.” I replied, “Well, you don’t look familiar to me. Did you grow up in North Hollywood?” He said, “No, we fought, man.” Then it hit me who he was, the guy I had beat up. For a moment I was scared because I was standing in the street with a buff Mexican guy, and the last time we were in the street together, we were throwing punches. But I quickly realized I was the one who beat him up, and I knew all those guys thought I was a maniac anyway. So sure enough, he just walked into his apartment.
In 2006 we tracked down Terry and called him on my morning radio show. He’s now a professional pilot. I hope you’re reading this on a plane that he’s ﬂying and just sh-- your pants.
Now that’s a ﬁght story.
You ever see one of those movies from the ﬁfties where every guy is wearing a hat and the same gray suit, and every woman has her hair styled the same way? That was back when we had something called a society. Now we have individuals. The notion seems evolved, but the execution is starting to piss me off. That being said, here’s a list of guys I can’t hang out with.
Weird facial hair guy
I don’t mind a guy with a beard. And I love a guy with a mustache. I’m talking about the a-hole who has the Sharpie-thin stripe going ear to ear and over the top of his upper lip. Never have more calories been spent achieving a worse look. Why would somebody cultivate a look that required an extra hour in the mirror each morning? Exactly. It’s because this narcissistic f--- gets to stare at his Jersey Shore ass for an extra hour in the mirror. Is it a coincidence that the more elaborate the facial hair, the bigger the narcissistic d--- that’s rocking it? I don’t think so. I shave twice a week, and that’s way too much mirror time for me. These guys start every day with a meticulous sculpting of their mug, which I’m sure is followed by a homoerotic pose-down.
I know I sound jaded, but your wife’s not supposed to be your best friend. She’s not even supposed to be in your Fave Five. When’s the last time you begged your best friend for a bl-- job? I don’t believe these guys. I think they’re just saying it to score points with their wives and to make the rest of us look like a--holes. Your best friend is the guy you go to to bitch about your wife getting fat. Plus you can’t brag to your wife about the handy you got in the champagne room.
I don’t own a TV guy
If you can’t afford a TV or you pawned your TV because of a gambling debt, you get a pass. But this is the guy who doesn’t own a TV for the sole purpose of announcing he doesn’t own a TV. This is his way of declaring he’s better than you. He acts like everyone who has a TV just sits around staring at Night Court reruns and Ashton Kutcher commercials. He would never admit there’s provocative, informative, entertaining programming such as my favorite new reality show I’m a Pretentious A--hole Who Tells Everyone I Don’t Own a TV.
Guys who announce they “rescue” dogs
You didn’t go into a burning warehouse or the roof of a ﬂooded barn to get the dog. You went to the pound, because you were too cheap to go to the mall. You don’t love dogs nearly as much as you love the idea of people thinking you’re a hero. You ever notice people who buy their dogs rarely discuss how they got them, versus these a--holes who work the phrase “She’s a rescue” into every f---ing conversation? What do you want? Spielberg to make a movie about you? I’d love to follow one of these douchebags around for a year with a clicker counter bouncers use at the door of the club, and ﬁnd out how many times they utter the phrase “She’s a rescue.” Over-under would be ﬁfteen thousand. When I was a kid, all the sofas in my house were freebies we got from other people who were throwing them out. My mom never once referred to them as “rescues.”
The guy who wants to know where you got your cold
He’s McGruff with a box of Kleenex and a bottle of Robitussin. As soon as you tell him that you have a cold, he tells you the date of his last cold and where he got it. Then he’s gonna need to know where you got yours. “I don’t know” is not an acceptable answer. He’s a regular Sherlock Holmes who’s gonna follow the trail of mucus until he breaks the case wide open. He asks, “Do you have kids? They probably picked up something at preschool and brought it home.” “Have you traveled recently? The air in those planes just recirculates. They’re like ﬂying petri dishes.” Thanks, Cold and Flu Case. What does he want me to do with this information? “As soon as this fever breaks, I’m giving those kids away! And the next time business takes me to Chicago, I’m going by mule!”
I’ve never drank guy
Close a--hole cousin to I Don’t Own a TV Guy. Now don’t get me wrong, if you don’t drink now because the last time you got drunk you drove your Pontiac Aztek through a Gymboree or beat the shit out of Tina Turner, or screamed at a trooper, “What do you have that Taser set on — p---y?” then you have an excuse not to drink. I’m talking about the a-hole who’s never been drunk a day in his life. He says he doesn’t like to feel out of control. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t want to hang out with a guy who won’t pass out long enough for me to draw a c--k on his forehead.
Excerpted from “In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks.” Copyright © 2010 by Adam Carolla.