(Reader alert: This story contains some salty language.)
The terribly funny yet horribly mean New York Times review of Guy Fieri’s new Times Square restaurant has drawn out passionate feelings from defenders of the celebrity chef.
Among them is a fan who once expressed his worship for Fieri by writing an action flick starring the two of them.
Now “Karl Welzein” -- pen name of the chest thumping, beer-drinking dude’s dude also known by his Twitter handle, @DadBoner -- is fighting back for the bleached-blond Food Network star.
In a spirited, line-by-line response to every rhetorical question posed by Times critic Peter Wells, Welzein provides answers, along with some choice words, for the man he calls “P-Dubs” in a write-up he posted on Craigslist.
“Oh, so sorry it wasn't up to your pretty princess standards. Bet your palate ain't used to eatin' nothin' that don't come served with a side of pink panties,” he tells Wells “on behalf of Guy from his main man Karl Welzein.”
In his response, Welzein addresses:
– The critique of the restaurant’s watermelon margarita, which Wells says glows like nuclear waste and tastes like a “combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde":
“Sounds like you can't handle a REAL drink, bad boy style. Just stick to diet root beer and go sit at the kids' table if you're gonna complain, young man. All the grown-ups are just fine with the Dubmelon 'Rita, thank you very much.”
– Suggestions that Fieri’s kitchen sabotaged its meatloaf and rotisserie chicken with “ruinous sides and sauces,” such as an “insipid Rice-a-Roni variant,” Welzein lays it on the line:
“Look, King Friday, I don't have time to look up whatever you're talkin' about in a thesaurus every five seconds when you decide to act better than everyone with your Shakespeare talk. Sorry the meatloaf and chicken ain't up to the royal standards, your highness.”
– Wells’ assessment of Fieri’s donkey sauce, in which he wondered which part of the donkey was being evoked:
“Is this some sorta joke about donkey peeners? Sorry, Guy's all about class. Keep your weirdo animal desires to yourself, kimosabe.”
Fieri, for his part, publicly fired back at Wells on Thursday, questioning the motives behind what amounted to a hatchet job on his 500-seat eatery. “I thought it was ridiculous, that to me was so overboard,” he told TODAY’s Savannah Guthrie.
“He came in with a different agenda,” Fieri said, later adding, “It's a great way to make a name for yourself, go after a celebrity chef who is not a New Yorker.”
He also rejected Wells' assertions that his cooking skills are “all an act,” saying he was involved in every part of the restaurant, from designing the space and developing the menu to training the staff.
Wells, who visited Fieri's restaurant four times for the review, hasn’t backed down and disagrees with critics who wonder why he reviewed Guy’s restaurant in the first place.
"This is important American food that makes a lot of people very happy," Wells told the New York Times public editor. "And since that's the case, you ought to do it right."
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