No. C'mon. Anything but this.
Give me crocs, Uggs, Juicy tracksuits and harem pants. Heck, I'll even take butterfly clips.
Just ... not ... trucker hats.
Unfortunately, it's unavoidable at this point: The hats of your early-2000s-themed nightmares are back in all their mesh, Von Dutch-y glory. Celebs (most notably Kylie Jenner and Justin Bieber) have been spotted sporting them on social media and — gasp! — in real life, too.
It's inevitable, then, that throngs of young, impressionable kids will soon be ordering trucker hats in bulk, and then the rest of us will follow suit (lest we appear old and out of touch) and then we'll all curse Ashton Kutcher for ever having made the unsightly caps popular in the first place.
Why, Ashton? WHY!?
But before you jump out the nearest window, let me regale you with a brief history of the detested trucker hat.
They apparently began as "promotional giveaway" items that farming supply companies would give to truck drivers and farmhands as a way of raising brand awareness (hence the ever-popular, ever-hideous "John Deere" versions).
Traditionally, the back of the hat features mesh and the front part is a more traditional, stiff bill, and most designs have adjustable plastic straps. Unlike baseball caps, which use breathable cotton blends, the front of the trucker hat is crafted from foam.
And yet, even with that brief and pitiful backstory, we remain unconvinced that any human being could possibly tolerate — let alone enjoy — the way these sad, sorry, bulkish things look atop their head.
May you fight the good fight and keep your head bare as long as you can, dear reader. We will try to do the same.