As a producer of a news website, Allie Caren alerted Twitter as soon as she witnessed something disturbing while shopping online.
"Dear my beloved @Nordstrom + @gucci," she tweeted, "R u drunk?"
Thank you, Allie Caren, for speaking out about the deeply unsettling Ilse sock sandal. After conducting a preliminary investigation, it would appear that, yes, Nordstrom and/or Gucci is drunk. But since they're both of age and haven't attempted to operate any moving vehicles, there's nothing any of us can do about it.
Behold: The shoe in question.
Made of "luscious" red leather and latex, the Ilse sandal can be yours for a mere $1,190. But the Nordstrom site fails to address an important detail ... Who is Ilse? And what did she do to deserve this indignity?
In perhaps the most alarming news yet, the Ilse sock sandals have two five-star reviews. Who? What? When? Where? How?
Why? Why? WHY?!
Upon closer inspection, it seems that this design has simply found its target audience (despite being available for pre-order only, and not actually scheduled to ship until mid-May).
"These Sock Sandals SAVED MY LIFE!" wrote one satisfied shopper. "You see, my feet have agoraphobia and every time I leave the house, if they aren't covered up they writhe in nervous agony. I had to wear socks with my sandals and I was mocked incessantly. Then I found these gems! Now I can wear sandals AND cover my feet from the awful scenes of society. They remain hidden, safe and none the wiser that they are actually in the midst of the plagues of the outdoors."
OK, that we can relate to.
There's also this:
"My mother had a boot fetish," another customer revealed. "When I was born she immediately put boots on my feet and I wore boots every single day of my life! As I grew up I became curious to wear sandals, but when I tried to put my feet in sandals, the skin would immediately cry out in pain and cold, screaming for a BOOT!! Well these Sock Sandals have saved my life. My feet think they are wearing a boot, but my mind thinks I'm wearing a sandal! Best of both worlds! Win win!"
That's two lives saved and, as far as we know, zero lives lost. (But again, they're only available for pre-order. Time will tell.) Perhaps we were too quick to judge these innocent rapscallions. Perhaps we should give them another chance?
Thus concludes this episode of Shoe Aisle Watch. And remember, if you see something, say something.