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What Brangelina baby?

As the big news arrives, it’s time to channel your inner Jen
/ Source: contributor

I’m sorry, what? Who just had a baby? Who? Oooohhh … them.  Are they even still together? To be perfectly honest, I’ve stopped paying attention to that ... sort … of … thing. I’ve been sooooooo busy! You know, working, yoga … other things. You know, stuff.

So haven't gotten married yet, those two … what is it the tabloids call them? Brangelina? I guess that makes the baby … well, you know. Not that it matters, of course! That’s the thing now, isn’t it? Look at TomKat. I mean, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. They’re not married either (and from what I hear, they never will be).

Not that I pay attention to American media … so toxic. Of course, I did hear about the latest Gallup Poll. That’s right, ol’ Jen is still favored more highly by the American public than Team Brangelina.

Not that it matters, mind you. There’s so many important things going on in the world you never hear about. There’s no time to think about such silliness when I just don’t know how we’re going to get our troops out of … that place where our troops are.

Speaking of unknown places on the globe, where exactly did this prestigious birth take place? Namibia? I can really understand why Jane — you know, Brad’s mom — is so upset. It’s her grandchild. She has a right to be in the same continent as her grandchild. Am I right?

You know who I also hear is upset? George Clooney. That’s right, bestest pals George and Brad are having a tiff. Something about Brad delaying “Oceans 13,” waiting for that baby to pop out. Filming is supposed to start, like, any day, and there he is, in Africa, jerking George around.

Maybe it’s just as well if “Oceans 13” doesn’t get made. Personally I’m not one for sequels. Oh, apparently there’s going to be a “Mr. & Mrs. Smith II.” Me, I prefer original screenplays. They’re much more … honest. They don’t belong to somebody — or something — else. Original movies like “Derailed,” “Rumor Has It ” and of course, “The Break Up” do gangbusters at the box office.

You know who co-stars in “The Break Up”? Vince Vaughn. He is such a sweetie. A true, honest, loyal … friend. A good, good friend. And oh! So much fun! The perfect guy to hang out with in Vegas, a real Swinger! Ha!

Did you see Vince on Oprah? Much classier than jumping on a couch (or cheating on your wife). Vince was all, “Jennifer’s great. She’s one of my favorite people” and “She’s just really smart and funny and easy to be with — very considerate.” And did you hear him say how he’d like to have kids someday? He told Oprah, “I have not talked about having kids with Jennifer. First we have to have the $8 million wedding,” Oprah was rumored to host. But he also said he’d like to start a family “at some point.” So see, he wants kids too … at some point.

Say, I wonder if Vince got a birth announcement. I mean, he was in “Mr. & Mrs Smith,” too. And that is where They fell in love, isn’t it? Not that They did anything about it, of course. I mean, like the official separation announcement said, “For those who follow these sorts of things, we would like to explain that our separation is not the result of any speculation reported by the tabloid media. This decision is the result of much thoughtful consideration.”

Of course, They didn’t waste anytime did they? The ink wasn’t even dry on the divorce papers and there She was, with Her perfect little baby bump.

Anyway, good for them, I guess. I know children are so very important to them. Just have a look at that “W” photo spread Brad “conceived” where She and Brad appear as the perfect middle-class ’60s couple with three perfect little children.

Well, now they’ve got three children — but no marriage. Didn’t She say something about how She’d never marry a Hollywood actor? Well, of course She’s the marriage expert — having been divorced twice. What was that thing the last husband, Billy Bob Thornton, said in Esquire? Something about how sex with “the ‘sexiest person in the world,’ it may be literally like” you know, having sex with “the couch?” Didn’t She adopt that first one during their divorce?

Now that the Most Beautiful Baby of the Most Beautiful Family is here, those two are going to be quite surprised to find that actually having a kid is quite different from adopting one. At least they can use that $3 million they’ll probably get from the first pictures of the Most Beautiful Baby to feed an entire continent of starving orphans.

Don’t misunderstand. I’m not bitter. Why would I be bitter about children? I love children. I want children. You know, like quote from the December 2005 Vanity Fair cover story: “I did, and I do, and I will have children!” Well, even if you missed the magazine, everyone keeps quoting from it. “Entertainment Tonight,” “Access Hollywood,” the Enquirer — it’s like they can’t help themselves.

Oh! And did you catch the GQ cover story where a certain wronged party was named Woman of the Year? The very first GQ Woman of the Year, I might add. And a very fetching topless cover photo to go with the prestigious title as well. You know, GQ Men of the Year don’t get to pose topless in cutoff shorts. So, ha.

PBS not enough safe from Pitt
Yes, I know I said I don’t pay attention to the magazines. And I don’t, I really don’t. But one can’t help but see what’s on the rack when buying cigarettes, or flipping past channels to find PBS, can one? Not that PBS is even safe anymore.

I suppose you heard, Brad narrated that series on global health. Well, I suppose you’ve got to do that sort of thing when you’re paramour to Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations High Commission for Refugees. That and bleach your hair. “Billy Idol called, he wants his look back.” Ha! Remember that quote from Vanity Fair? I guess he got it back too, because Brad got that bad brunette dye job. What’s that about?

Maybe the blonde ’do frightened her kids. I’m sorry … their kids. I mean, Brad did legally adopt little Whatsit and Whosit. And they did get the names changed to Whatsit and Whosit Jolie-Pitt or something. And Brad did fly to Ethiopia to help pick out — I’m sorry — pick up the new one.

Darn! I promised myself I wasn’t going to go there — the ugly place. Really, adoption is wonderful. And it’s wonderful that She’s adopting all those poor international children. And I heard She wants to adopt more. Just like Mia Farrow. Which I guess makes Brad Woody Allen. And who knows? Maybe some day when those naturally pouty lips start to sag, She’ll adopt a little Soon-Yi. And they can all live … Happily. Ever. After. The heart wants what it wants!

Darn! Darn! There I go again! Really, I’m not like that. I’m not! I would never say anything bad about children. I myself planned on spending the last year pregnant. Obviously, that’s not going to happen now. Not right away, anyway. But in the next five years, I’m sure of it! Because I still believe in love.

Helen A.S. Popkin does not claim affiliation with either Team Aniston or Team Jolie. Though, she does wear her “Free Winona” t-shirt when she cleans the oven.