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Wes sent packing on ‘The Bachelorette’

During a dramatic trip to Spain, Jillian finally says adios to the country-fried dirt bag, and keeps all the boys but Ed out of the Fantasy Suite.
/ Source: Entertainment Weekly

Hola, “Bachelorette” fans! This week’s European adventure reminded me of a line from “My Fair Lady”: “The pain in Spain falls mainly on the plain Jane.” Isn’t that how it goes? Anyhow, even though man-related heartbreak followed poor Jillian all the way across the ocean, we do have one thing to celebrate this week: the long, long, long, long, looooooong overdue departure of Wes. To paraphrase another movie musical, “Ding dong, the wicked d--k is dead!”

The episode starts with a lot of filler. Strolling the streets of Madrid, Jillian reflects on the final four guys: Kipper is the “perfect package” (translation: “I’m not good enough for him”); Reid is the guy she has lots of “physical chemistry” with (translation: “all we have in common is a mutual desire to have hot animal sex”); Ed is “only about his career” (translation: “I’m worried he’s going to make me an IT widow”); and Wes is “far, far from perfect” (translation: “He’s destined to make me miserable, which is exactly what I’m looking for”).

Kiptyn gets the first date. (Of course he does.) Jillian must have brought her insecurities along in an extra suitcase, because she still can’t get past how “perfect” he is: “Maybe Kiptyn’s out of my league and maybe he really isn’t falling for me.”

She and Kipper take a walk through the park, a “place of culture and excitement.” It’s also a place of subtle dream-crushing: As they chillax by a pond, Kiptyn reveals that even though things have been “better than expected ... a proposal seems far off.”

Okay, as much as this guy annoys me, at least he realizes that getting engaged after eight weeks is completely ridiculous. And she does NOT love it. “Would you normally get engaged this quick? No,” admits Jillian. “But it’s about ... taking a leap of faith.”

Shake it off, Jillian, because you’ve got some dancin’ to do. She and Kip head to a flamenco studio for a lesson from Maria and Ricardo. Much to Kipper’s chagrin, the lesson comes with traditional costumes. “It definitely was not the most flattering thing I’ve ever worn. The kicker was the pants, which were ... tight.” (Don’t flatter yourself, pal.)

They do an awkward but playful dance, and it makes Jillian hopeful. “I think today I saw a side of Kiptyn I’ve been waiting to see — that side of him that is able to poke fun at himself and just be goofy, be not perfect.” Frankly, I don’t think this guy has any trouble not being perfect, but maybe that’s just me.

At dinner, Kiptyn, joking about the aforementioned tight pants, accidentally stumbles into the “Do you want kids?” conversation. (Short answer: He does; she really does.)

After a brief escargot break, talk then segues into Daddy issues of another kind — apparently Kipper reminds Jillian of her father. “Sometimes my mom wears the pants a little too much,” she tells him, “and the thing that I worry about is that you’re so generous and so kind and so sweet that you’d never tell me like, that I was offside when I was offside.”

He mumbles something like, “If I have an opinion ... you’ll know.” Good enough!

The Fantasy Suite card arrives, and it seems like Kipper’s got it in the bag — but hold up! “I don’t think I’m ready to spend an entire night with somebody yet,” Jillian tells him, though she does offer the tantalizing option to “cuddle a little bit” (every man’s four favorite words).

While Kip says that he “respects her thoughts,” I’ll bet this is the first time anyone has said no to Kipper. And I LOVE it. Just for fun, Jillian brings him to the Fantasy Suite, where they stroll past a GIANT red bed — the camera lingers on it, as if to taunt Kipper: You’re not sleeping on this tonight, sucker! After some heavy cuddling, Jillian makes good on her word and kicks him out, leaving Kipper to take a lonely walk back to his own Reality Suite.

Reid strikes outNext, the action moves to Sevilla. While Jillian looks fetching in a little black skort ensemble, Reid arrives looking like complete crap — greasy hair, scruffy face, ratty T-shirt and jeans. What happened — did the producers wake him up after the redeye and shove him out the door for his date?

Even if he hasn’t bothered to comb his hair, Reid says he is definitely ready to get serious: “I think we’re in the right place to fall in love.”

After butchering the Spanish language at the bakery and the butcher shop, they head to a park for lunch. Over a picnic of chorizo and cheese, Reid finally chokes out some emotional confessions in between all the teasing and giggling. “It takes me awhile to open up and tell someone how I’m feeling...” he fumbles.

Smelling blood, Jillian pounces: “How do you feel?” And this is the best he can do: “I think we’re very similar.” Ooooh, how can she not swoon?

Reid cleans up a little bit for dinner but he still can’t manage to shave or tuck in his shirt. Once again, Jillian launches into the “tell me you love me” conversation, and Reid, like Kipper, is hesitant. “It could be love but I’m not there yet to say it to her,” he confesses. (Side note: This is the biggest difference between “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette”: At this point on “The Bachelor,” the final four women are desperate to confess their undying love.) “I like you a lot,” he begins. “Obviously physically, I’m attracted to you ... You’re a good person ... You smell good ... We have chemistry physically, mentally, I think.” Ugh, Jilli, just drop it — this is too painful to watch.

Finally the Fantasy Suite card comes, and I swear I had to replay it four times before I realized that Jillian was rejecting him: “I have been struggling with my feelings for multiple people ... And there’s a part of me that knows what’s good for me and knows what’s good for the potential of me and you, and I feel like what I have going with you right now I think is super-special, and I think if you and I continue to do what we do, that making the decision to not take Chris’ invitation and possibly take it next time, would be the right thing for you and I.”

Reid must speak crazy, because he immediately responds, “That makes sense.” Wow, 0-and-2! Is this going to be the first sexless Fantasy Suite episode? As a consolation prize, Jillian makes out with Reid over their shrimp carcasses.

Ed takes his turnThe sun rises on Sevilla, and now it’s time to move from the boy to The Man. Unfortunately, Ed has a lot of catching up to do, having missed the hometown dates. “He’s going to have to bring it on today,” says the Bachelorette.

During their romantic carriage ride, Ed admits that he re-evaluated his priorities when he was at home, and realized that she needed to be one of them. “I was working non-stop for two weeks straight, and I’m just like, I can’t do this — I have to go back somehow.”

And she LOVES it: “I am just in a happy place right now.”

At lunch, Jillian grills him about what their non-existent hometown date would have been like — but what can he really say? He tells her she would have “fit in really well” with the family, and that they would have done karaoke. Good enough! It’s time to make out all over the city, including in a public fountain. (Who doesn’t enjoy taking a hideous foot fungus home as a souvenir from a European vacation?) What happened to Jillian’s plans to “catch up” with Ed? Well, at least she’s gotten caught up with his tongue.

Things get a little more serious at dinner, where Ed raises the idea of Jillian moving to Chicago. “You are exactly what I’m looking for. I don’t know, I can just see us being together for a long time — a long, long time.” It’s not the L-word, but Ed definitely gets closer than any of the guys to telling her that he wants to be with her forever. (Bonus points: He wants kids in “two years, three years.”)

Eventually a soldier wanders in and delivers the Fantasy Suite card, presumably before rushing back to his Revolutionary War unit. Jillian gives him the “I’m not ready” speech, but she’s not going to get off that easy: Ed, no doubt thinking he’s the only one she’s denied, gives her the hard sell — in the least sleazy way possible, of course.

“I think you can interpret this a lot of different ways,” he says, gesturing to the card. “And for me, honestly, it’s just getting more time with you.”

Jillian chews her fingernails nervously and contemplates her choices. Finally, she invites him to “hang out for a bit.” And at some point during their cuddle time on yet another Giant Red Bed, Ed manages to work his stud magic on Jillian, and she decides not to kick him out: “We’re sleeping in our clothes,” she half-asks, half-tells him.

But I’m willing to bet that Ed sealed the deal with this mack daddy line: “You’re my favorite part about Spain.” Dude, if Jillian doesn’t give it up, I’ll sleep with you right now.

Save the Wes for lastLast and definitely least is Wes, who meets Jillian in beautiful Barcelona. Too bad he’s so unbelievably ignorant about world cultures: “I had a song on my second album that was actually number one in Chihuahua, Mexico — so I feel at home living around Spanish people.” Not for nothing, but last time I checked people from Mexico were MEXICAN, not SPANISH.

And it only gets worse. It’s clear from the get-go that Wes wants to go home. He starts by insulting Jillian — “I hope your bike skills are better than your cross-country skiing” — and even as he goes through the motions of wooing her, he steadfastly refuses to show any interest in her physically. “I’m a little bit worried about Wes’ lack of affection,” says Jillian. “When Wes is telling me that he thinks that we would make a great match ... he sat as far away from me as possible.”

As Jillian tries to steer the conversation toward their relationship beyond the show, he continues to stonewall her. Would he move to Vancouver for a couple of years? “Um, that would be crazy.” So how would they make it work if she chooses him? “That bird has no foot — God, what’s wrong with me?” Then, as a final diversionary tactic, the a--hole spills his beer, putting a foamy damper on the day.

Dinner isn’t any better, as Jillian wastes no time grilling him and his ridiculous Western shirt with some serious questions. “There have been a lot of red flags and I have to bring it up...”

Realizing that the Bachelorette is not going to kick him to the curb until he spells out his real motives, Wes tries the almost-confession, explaining that his manager told him to go on the show. “I thought it would be good for (my career) as well,” Wes explains. “But if I came here to sell records, I’ve already played you a song, I’ve already done the whole full band thing ... I want you to know that if I wanted to go home, I think that my mission would have been accomplished.” In other words, if he really wanted to use the TV platform to sell records ... he would have done everything he’s already done — plus leave, which he’s desperately trying to do right now.

Our beloved Bachelorette is still maddeningly obtuse. “All day today, if you really were crazy about me then you would have come up to me and you would have kissed me at least once today.”

Wes gets defensive, spewing some garbage about how he’s insecure — and then he makes a demand that he knows is impossible: She needs to say he’s the one before he can show her how he’s feeling. I’m not sure why, but this is when it finally starts to hit our Bachelorette that she’s been had.

“How do I even say, ‘Wes, you’re the one’ without knowing you feel the same way?” she says tearfully. “Yes, I do think that you maybe originally came on this show for the wrong reasons, but if you feel differently now I need to know that.” Oh, Jillian, are you really going to make him pound the final nail in your “relationship” coffin? Yes, apparently so. “I’m not here to hurt you,” says Wes, “but I’m going to be true to myself, because, you know, numero uno is most important here.”

Hearing that, Jillian pushes back her chair and storms out of the ... Oh wait, apparently she wants to self-flagellate a little longer. “This person Laurel — I think that this person is probably important to you, and I want to know why.”

Because he is a coward, Wes can’t come right out and tell the truth, so he makes a very intentional Freudian slip: “I told (Jake) the whole story, I said my girlfriend, I mean ex-girlfriend...” Had he not deliberately stopped talking at that point, I think his next sentence would have been something like, “Oh, whoops! I ‘accidentally’ said ‘girlfriend’ instead of ‘ex-girlfriend.’ Wow, what a stupid mistake! I guess you have no choice but to send me home now, right? RIGHT? For the love of God, woman, what is it going to take??”

Awkward timing alert! The Fantasy Suite card arrives. In one last act of cruelty, Wes says, “I think we should, actually,” knowing full well that it will NOT be happening. Jillian tells him no thanks, and puts him in a cab. “I’m embarrassed that Wes came on here and has a girlfriend and has been riding this out as long as he can ride it out potentially for his career,” Jillian admits, “but I feel more sorry for him than I do for me right now.” When she tells Wes, “I’ll see you soon!” it sounds more like a threat than a goodbye.

No rose for WesJillian arrives at the rose ceremony sporting a dress that looks like something Wilma Flintstone would wear to a funeral. And in a way, she is there to bury someone. There’s not even a need for a pre-rose ceremony chat — Jillian knows who’s getting the (cowboy) boot. And thank God, because at this point Wes has gone completely off the rails: “If it’s me (who’s sent home),” he tells the assembled bachelors, “know that I will be back home having lots of sex.” Don’t forget to fill your Valtrex prescription first, hayseed! (Reid and Kip, to their credit, look totally disgusted.)

When it comes time for the final rose, Wes looks positively giddy — his escape route back home to Austin and Laurel is in his sights. When Kipper gets the last rose, I’m so thrilled, I don’t even care that Team “Bachelorette” completely duped us into thinking that one bachelor had “trouble” in the Fantasy Suite. What does a little deception matter when the country-fried douche bag is gone?

The only thing that would have been better is if Jillian had sent Wes home without a word, rather than strolling hand-and-hand with him to the Reject Limo. Once inside, safely out of earshot, Wes finally guzzles booze and reveals what we’ve all known for weeks, bragging that he’s “the first guy ever on ‘The Bachelorette’ to make it to the top four with a girlfriend ... My acting days are over.”

His confessional then devolves into a mumbly Southern-accented rant — something about his album and being born at night — that’s about as coherent as a monologue from Boomhauer on “King of the Hill.” It would be unprofessional of me to urge you, my loyal readers, to boycott his upcoming CD — and the good news is, I don’t have to. I think Wes has done a perfectly good job on his own convincing people not to buy his music.

Well, “Bachelorette” fans, we have a lot to talk about. I want to hear everything you thought about tonight’s episode — including how you celebrated Wes’ big eviction. Post your comments now! And be absolutely sure you don’t miss Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog — this week, he finally reveals what Jillian really knew about Wes and why she kept him around so long. You’ll also want to click over to see this week’s two-on-one date — in a hot air balloon! — on The Doll Bachelorette. And, if you haven’t had enough of Kipper, check out our bonus deleted scene below, where Jillian stumps him with a pressing question about...a one-eyed kitten. (Not surprisingly, she is drinking wine during this conversation.) Okay, my friends, let’s cut off the chains — “click click click click click” — and talk Bachelorette!