Colton Underwood says he thought he was going to "die with this secret" of being gay in a new docuseries that details his coming out journey.
In a trailer for his upcoming Netflix series "Coming Out Colton," the former star of "The Bachelor" also addresses his ugly treatment of ex-girlfriend Cassie Randolph, who filed a restraining order against him last year after he was accused of stalking her before she decided to have it lifted.
Underwood, 29, who publicly shared he is gay in April, speaks in the trailer about his internal struggle over coming out.
"I didn’t want to be gay, and the main voices in my head were just telling me, ‘You’ll get through this, you’ll get through this,'" he says. "Never thought I was gonna come out. I thought I was going to die with this secret."
Underwood has faced criticism on social media from those who felt he is looking to profit from his coming out story while using it to deflect from the situation with Randolph.
Underwood and Randolph first met while filming their season of “The Bachelor,” which aired in 2019. They did not get engaged by the end of the season, but it was revealed at the end of the finale that they were in a relationship. The couple announced their split at the end of May 2020 in now-deleted Instagram posts.
“I never want people to think that I’m coming out to change the narrative, or to brush over and not take responsibility for my actions, and now that I have this gay life that I don’t have to address my past as a straight man,” Underwood told Variety in May. “Controlling situations to try to grasp at any part of the straight fantasy that I was trying to live out was so wrong.”
A reference to the restraining order is made during the trailer for "Coming Out Colton."
"The reason I’m coming out is because I’m ashamed, and I’m sort of mortified of what got me into this position in the first place," Underwood says in the clip.
He also is seen agonizing over telling his father that he's gay, which he does while the two are fishing together. Underwood also mentioned that moment in an Instagram post last week.
"This image was captured moments after I came out to my dad, which was one of the most meaningful parts of my coming out journey," he wrote. "I’m looking forward to sharing more of my story with you including the lessons I’ve been learning along the way."
Underwood, who is a former football player at Illinois State, also is seen talking with prominent gay athletes Michael Sam, the first openly gay player to be drafted by an NFL team, and freestyle Olympic skier Gus Kenworthy. The new series hits Netflix on Dec. 3.