It’s episode two of Season Three of "True Blood"! Which supernatural creature will get voted off the island tonight? Oh, wait, sorry, different show. But with all the shape-shifting and retractable-fang action going on among way too many cast members, it may actually be nice if some of those kill-offs the show producers have promised us come true soon.
Oh, say, thanks, Vampire Bill! As we open on Episode Two, the Civil War vampire has dispatched three werewolves. The bad news: they’re all were-day-players. The series regulars are still at large and free to confuse us with their many subplots.
Bill seems to be enjoying the bloody mess a great deal until a man on a white horse wearing a natty red jacket and a jaunty crest emerges from the woods. Vampire Bill calls him your majesty. His Majesty of the Fabulous Riding Wear has a name, Russell Edgington, the Vampire King of Mississippi, and he is behind Bill’s kidnapping by the werewolves. His Majesty then shoots one of the wereguys with a shiny silver bullet — which, for Bill, sort of makes up for things a little, I guess, and then he and Bill are off to his house, or chalet, or what have you.
Poor Tara, can’t even commit suicide right. Tara’s mother tries to accompany Lafayette while he takes his cousin to the hospital, but the fry cook will have none of it.
Sookie, meanwhile, is grilling Eric Northman about what he knows about the Nazi werewolf Nazi commandos from World War 2 who apparently kidnapped Bill. Because you can’t just have regular werewolves running around anymore; thanks, Stephenie Meyer! Anyway, Eric stares at Sookie sexily while Pam and Jessica have some girl time in the ladies room. Pam tries to instruct Jessica on how to feed on humans without killing them. Except, of course, it’s too late. Jessica already has a stinky dude back at her house.
Eric has a flashback to Nazi times! He and Godric are total Nazis, and they hunt down a German chick who turns out to be a Nazi werewolf. She hopes the Nazi connection will keep the vamps from offing her. Turns out, not so much. They only sprechen zie Vampire.
Whoops, sorry: His Majesty doesn’t have a house or a chalet, but rather a mansion. Should have called that. They put up Bill in the old digs of Lady Elizabeth Bathory, the legendary serial killer. The room is tricked out in silver that is equal parts pretty and probably really painful to the touch, at least, for Bill.
Yes, Tara, Eggs is dead. It’s sad and all, but the rest of the cast has moved on. Werewolves are the new maenads, honey. Time to update your social circle. Lafayette tries to show Tara some perspective by re-introducing him to his own mother, who is in a home for the mentally disturbed. Tara finally quiets her ass down; the point has been made. Lafayette doesn’t want Tara to end up in the same place as Ruby Jean.
Oh, how cute: Hoyt is waiting for Jessica when she gets back to Vampire Bill’s Casa de Crumbling Gentility. He tries to tell Jessica she can control herself, but she locks herself in the house, not wanting Hoyt to catch wind of the corpse. Poor Jessica. She has to sleep next to that corpse, too.
Sookie returns back to her home and informs her brother Jason that Bill has been kidnapped by Nazi werewolves. Jason volunteers to discuss the situation with Andy Bellefleur. When she reports to work the next day, she spots what she suspects is a member of the Werewaffen SS. She and Terry track him through the woods but find only wolf footprints and some Nazi-wear. Kids, we have a mystery on our hands. Terry outfits Sookie with a gun, which she apparently knows how to pack.
His Majesty of Mississippi is certainly more hospitable than the Vampire Queen on the other side of the border, but there’s a reason. Russell reveals two plans: he wants to marry the vampire queen — which is interesting, considering the very pretty young men that the king seems to prefer for housemates — and he wants Bill for the position of sheriff Mississippi’s Area 2. All Bill has to do is spill the Queen’s secrets to the King, and the position is his. Things seem to be going well through the rest of the evening — the blood gelato dessert looks lovely — but then Lorena shows up wearing a hot riding outfit. Bill is so pissed he throws an oil lamp at her cool riding hat.
A woebegone looking British vampire shows up at Merlotte’s, where Terry and Arlene are engaged in comedic hijinkis. The vamp sips True Blood, a rare, welcome site for a show about True Blood. Later, when Tara is outside wallowing in still more self pity, a couple of white trash guys harass her, and Mr. Woebegone zips outside to Tara’s side. He helps Tara beat the guys up, which apparently makes his fangs very, very stiff.
Jason and Andy, meanwhile, are leaving Merlotte’s when the cop gets a call about a meth lab in progress or some such. The two of them ride over, and Andy tells Jason to stay in the car, which means Jason is not staying in the car. Instead he sees a hot blond lady running away from the scene and chases her while ethereal mysterious music plays. Jason then helps stop a drug dealer and seems real pleased with himself.
Poor Jessica. She’s still got that corpse in her basement. Oh, wait. No she doesn’t. It’s missing! Could it be that Pam has disposed of that for her? Sisterhood is forever, I guess.
Oontz Oontz Euro Vampire Sheriff Eric arrives at Sookie’s house with a confession on his hot-yet-still-cold lips: He “posed” as a Nazi to hunt the werewolves back in the day. Eric also reveals that these aren’t just werewolves. And they’re not just Nazi werewolves. They’re Nazi werewolves who are seriously organized and fed by vampire blood. And oh: Watch out, Sookie, because the organized vampire-fed were-waffen is coming for her, so she needs protection. Sookie should invite him in, see, and maybe they can git it on, too. Sookie resists, which is sad for the rest of us. Things look real boring until a werewolf shows up, and Sookie gets to aim that gun of hers ...