As we open on "True Blood" episode five, poor Tara has been dragged to the mansion of the Roy Orbison Vampire King of Mississippi and is being inspected by the King’s minions. Tara is ruled to be “spicy,” which does not impress her. She’s even less amused when Vampire Bill arrives back at the mansion with Lorena and the king, the three of them covered in blood from their takeout mission.
Franklin, he of the Woebegone Undead Eyes, has sort of claimed Tara as “mine,” which I guess means she is not to be eaten. Franklin does say he has a present for the king, but it doesn’t appear to be Tara. Poor Tara, meanwhile, begs Vampire Bill for help — he could at least bite through the ropes binding her, you know, for dessert, but he refuses.
Franklin defends his choice in women to Russell, explaining that he, in his own twisted way, likes her. Then he reveals that he knows where Sookie, as they say in the south, is at.
Hot werewolf Alcide has managed to overcome his urge to switch into lyco-form long enough to drive Sookie and her wig home. Alcide is still hung up on his ex, so much so that he still doesn’t want to share any information about Russell, or talk about anything else.
Whoa, too much hotness in one place over at the Mississippi vamp mansion. Eric shows up there to ask permission, old-school style, to hunt Vampire Bill. Talbot is highly interested in everything he sees, natch. Enter Vampire Bill. Bill may be under the King’s protection now, but more importantly, Sookie is now free, and Eric’s eyes sort of light up for a second. So do ours; may the sexy, Sookie-on-Eric sex begin! For real this time, not in the fantasy scene kind of way.
Eric comes clean: He lied about Vampire Bill’s involvement in the V business, but if he doesn’t deliver Bill’s corpse, Pam will die. The king offers to let Eric stay over; at least Talbot seems delighted over that.
Franklin, meanwhile, continues to press his twisted suit of Tara. A text from Tara’s gay cousin temporarily interrupts the “romance.” Later, Tara tries to chew away at her bonds. It would happen a lot faster if she were a vampire. Just sayin’.
Debbie shows up at Alcide’s place in her finest Frederick’s of Hollywood daywear, hoping to save her ex from a death at the hands of the werewolf/Russell alliance. Apparently there’s also a werewolf pack master in the mix somehow, but it’s unclear what he knows about the Roy Orbison angle.
At the Bon Temps sheriff’s, Jason Stackhouse arrives but is almost unrecognizable because his shirt has sleeves. The other cops are not impressed, but Jason, of course, is holding some serious dirt over Andy Bellefleur’s head, so Jason gets to stay. He quickly grows bored with his desk assignment, of course, so Andy lets his outside, where he gets to take off his shirt. That pretty blonde girl from a few episodes ago drives by, and Jason takes off in a cop car, in hot pursuit.
Shape Shiftin’ Sam has agreed to put up his estranged shape-shiftin’ family and his helping them with said task when Terry Bellefleur shows up to announce he is moving in with Arlene. “I’m the luckiest man in the world,” Terry declares.
Oh, my bad. Tara must have some fangs somewhere, because she’s managed to chew her way out of her bonds. She tries to escape but is practically mowed down by Cooter. Franklin is not pleased. Back in the mansion, he cries blood, he’s so hurt. To survive, Tara takes the blame for trying to escape, calling herself “confused.”
Score one for Lafayette. Jesus, his mother’s caregiver, shows up at Merlotte’s to ask him out. It’s real sweet. And hot. In case it’s still unclear about the fact that Jesus is gay, the costume department has put him in a purple polo shirt. (Will someone please have sex already? How far are we into this episode? Someone take it off.)
Alcide takes Sookie to see the packmaster and she immediately reads his mind. The packmaster is one scared puppy.
The strange blonde girl of Jason’s dreams is amused by his shirtless faux-cop pursuit. Still, she won’t talk about why she was crying. She only mentions that her name is Crystal. This is a small town in the south. We could have told you that.
Heartbroken Hoyt is trying to make ex Jessica jealous by bringing a baby-obsessed blonde to Merlotte’s. Jessica is all sad, until Shape Shiftin’ Tommy pads up to her and mentions the obvious: She’s hot. But poor Tommy cannot take the time to woo her properly; there is something going down in the Shape-Shiftin’ hillbilly family, and it ain’t good, whatever it be.
Vampire Bill and Russell Edgington the Vampire King are discussing the family Stackhouse and its telepathic streak when Cooter arrives with urgent business: He announces that Sookie is having were-sex with Alcide. That sends Vampire Bill into a rage. More revelations: Eric and Lorena have a history. And Talbot really, really wants to get with Eric.
Jason arrives at Merlotte’s; again, sadly, he is wearing a shirt, and the shirt has sleeves. Lafayette and Jesus still have their shirts on too. They talk hot sexy talk to each other over pool. Outside of the restaurant, meanwhile, Crystal seems to be the victim of some sort of circumstance, so Jason takes her away in the moonlight and kisses her. We don’t get to see anything, but we do get some clues: Crystal loves the woods and their romance is doomed. This of course is a huge turn-on. They git it on.
Tara finally gets up the nerve to speak her mind to Franklin. She needs food, for one. Franklin is very encouraged and announces he wants Tara for his vampire bride. Franklin isn’t the only aggressive vamp at the Mississippi mansion. Talbot is still flirting it up with Eric, who isn’t exactly backing down.
Talbot shows Eric a crown, which sends him into a flashback involving Vikings and mead. Apparently, Eric, at one time, was a randy Viking who wanted nothing more than barn wenches, shirts with beaded fringe, and drinks served in large flagons. That is, until werewolves came in and killed Eric’s whole family, creating your standard revenge story.
Sookie is delighted to walk out of her guest bedroom and see Vampire Bill waiting for her in Alcide’s living room. He insists that Sookie leave Mississippi for her own good, but it’s too late. Cooter and the King arrive to snatch Sookie up. But just as all seems lost, a blue force of some sort shoots out of her hands and repels her attackers.
The King is delighted. He probably hasn’t seen a light show like that in, well, ever.