The truth is, I do it all for you. There is a method to the madness.
Anyway, since I’m also accused of kicking the celebrated when they’re down —which is really hard to do since some are just a hop, skip and a jump away from Hell (Yo Brit, can you hear me down there girl?), I’ve decided to redeem myself by paying homage to a whole slew of celebrities who have provided us with weeks of riveting off-screen performances throughout the summer with the inaugural Whatevah Awards.
The award’s unique design — conceived by Paris Hilton’s former cellmates at the Lynwood Correctional Facility (Hollywood’s preferred jailhouse) — features a pair of sterling silver handcuffs sitting atop the letters “WTF.”
While these awards — which actually honor the best and worst performances of the season — aren’t as prestigious as the Oscars, Emmys, Grammys or Razzies — yet, it’s only a matter of time — like 15 minutes — before the Whatevahs become the most coveted prize in Hollywood.
And the winners are:
Best performance by a man with no job: Kevin Federline
Who could have imagined a year ago that K-Fed would have cleaned up his act so significantly that he’s actually emerged as the better parent for the two boys he had with ex-wife Britney Spears. Once he gets a real job he should sue for full custody and let a nanny rear his kids so he can go back to hanging in the club with his boyz.
Best performance by a reformed bad girl: Nicole Richie
Although she’s looked a little sedated during some of her televised interviews during her recent Repentant Tour, you have to give Little Nicky credit for playing the part of a happy soon-to-be single mom with a police record. But it’s all good. Let’s just hope rocker pop Joel Madden knows how to play “Jailhouse Rock.” Somehow that seems like it would be a much more appropriate lullaby than “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.”
Best performance by a celeb who practices what he preaches: Leonardo DiCaprio
His new feature documentary, “The 11th Hour,” might make you want to stick your head in a compost machine since it’s about as riveting as picking up dog poop, but you’ve got to admire Leo for having the courage of his convictions. When you’re used to private jets, limos and other extravagances that are environmentally harmful, it’s gotta be hard being green. Let’s just hope he never has to sit in coach. That might force him to re-evaluate his commitment to save the Earth.
Best performance by someone two seconds from being so 15 minutes ago: Tay Zonday
He’s the worst warbler since William Hung and he’s far less charismatic — if that’s even possible. “Chocolate Rain” is a catchy tune that has spawned dozens of remixes and imitations on YouTube. And, it could even be considered socially relevant if you can get past his voice. But Zonday, whose real name is reportedly Adam Bahner, is likely to be the Vanilla Ice of the Internet once YouTube fans move on to the next wannabe.
Best performance by a recovering pain in the whatevah: Isaiah Washington
You gotta love this brother. He plays along with that fake rehab plot ABC devised after he reportedly called castmate T.R. Knight the F-word (as if there is such a place for people who make homophobic slurs); meets with GLAAD officials; tapes some PSAs denouncing hate speech and he still gets canned at the end of the season. But then NBC shows him some love, casts him on “Bionic Woman” and offers him a development deal. He has truly overcome.
Worst performance by someone pretending to care: Britney Spears
See Brit pull into a parking space in North Hollywood. See Brit hit the car. See Brit check her car. See Brit look at the car she hit. See Brit run. See Brit return to the scene. See Brit get in her car. See Brit hit the same car again. See Brit run. See K-Fed’s lawyers preparing full custody briefs. See Brit implode.
Worst performance by a reformed bad girl: Paris Hilton
She should have just kept walking after she got sprung from jail in June. Her little pit stop on “Larry King Live” cost her some serious diva points, especially when she couldn’t come up with a favorite Bible passage after claiming to have read the Good Book while she was on lockdown. That girl has got to learn to flip the script and save herself. Was I the only one screaming, “Just say Jesus Wept” at the TV that night?
Worst performance by a wannabe has-been: Posh Spice
OK. She’s got posh friends like TomKat, and a posh attitude, but in reality Pouty Posh is just a gimmick with a hot, albeit gimpy husband. The entire universe smiled when the Spice Girls died a natural death around the turn of the century, but now they’re back and collectively more annoying than diarrhea. Hmm, no wonder she never smiles.
Worst performance by a baby daddy: Eddie Murphy
The Oscar nominee hasn’t performed this badly since “Golden Child.” First he dumped the wife that bore him five kids, and then he hooked up with Scary Spice and conceived a child he initially claimed was not his. Now Scary wants the “Beverly Hills Cop” star to be a Beverly Hills Daddy and has his ex-wife and attorney Gloria Allred on her side. If Murphy, who is now engaged to TV and film producer Tracey Edmonds, has any more kids he’ll really be running a Daddy Day Care.
Worst performance by celebrity parents: Dina and Michael Lohan
Truthfully, they are the ones who need to be locked up. At this point, despite all of her indiscretions and arrests — you’ve got to feel a bit sorry for Lindsay Lohan. She was apparently reared by people who have far deeper issues than she will ever have. Although I’m not a proponent of kids leaving home before they’re 18, LiLo would have probably been better off in foster care — or at least with a mom who knew when to leave the party.