It is a lovely day in the desert, and also seven days until the Black Team's arrival on campus. Jillian wants to be able to go into the house and compete, and is taking the week to get her team ready. They do some weighing. In the desert. Where scales grow like cacti. Isabeau was 298 to start with, and is now 290. Julie was 218 to start and is now 216. WTF? Everyone else lost like 20 pounds! Julie tells us that three years ago, she and her husband wanted to have another child, and she was diagnosed with a polycystic ovary, and the best treatment for that is to lose weight. With every pound she gains, it will be harder to get pregnant. Oh, fine, be happy about your two pounds then. And while I'm thinking of it, wouldn't Polly Cystic be a great name for a performance artist or punk singer? For her part, Jillian is really nice about Julie's meager weight loss. Hollie goes from 255 to 244. Go, Hollie! Jez was 345 and is down to 329. 16 pounds! Everyone is impressed. Jez wants to be healthy for once in his life, and make a complete change. This will lead to self-confidence outside and inside, he says. Jez seems like a great guy. Jim was 361 and is now 350. His twin Bill started at 334 and is now 313 — 21 pounds! Well done, skinny twin! Bill wants to kick the plus-sized asses of the Red and Blue Teams.
Meanwhile, back at the campus, Kim addresses her team, who had to boot off Amber. They act sad, but I don't really think they are. Amber was kind of a dink. Phil tells us he wants to work as a firefighter, but he can't pass some of their tests, due to his weight. Amy misses her kids, but she knows her weight is endangering herself. Her father died at 46 of diabetes, and her mother is very overweight with diabetes also. I wonder if they also have the chronic cases of wussiness and backstabbing that she exhibits later in the episode.
Bob says he is making sure he's doing everything he can do to win the first two weigh-ins. Kae, formerly of the military, wants to be strong and soldierly again. But even better! She says it's time to stop delaying and just do it. That's good advice, which I'm sure has not seeped into her brain at all from years of incessant advertising on the part of a certain shoe company. The Blue Team takes a long hike, and Neil complains that his knees are hurting. Bob tells him not to push past his limits, and to turn around if he needs to. Bill refuses, and Bob seems happy that he's willing to push himself. The Blue Team takes in an incredible mountain view. Patty starts talking about losing weight for her family and starts bawling. She is a crier for sure. She cries as the team hikes back. Maybe she's hoping she can float down the hill on her river of tears.
A jog with logs
Meanwhile, hiking is fine for the wussy Blue team, but Jillian's Black Team has to jog with logs. Log jog! The team members are united, because they want to prove that they're worthy of being in the competition. Jillian tells us that her training methods are aggressive mentally and physically, but the best warriors are forged in fire. She looks really good when she says "warriors." Now that the team has done all kinds of crazy shit for hours on end in ninety-six-degree heat, putting in some hours on the elliptical in an air-conditioned gym is going to be cake, she tells us. But not literal cake, of course. Is it wrong that I want to lick the sweat off of her buff shoulders?
Meanwhile, Kim notices that Bryan is eating string cheese and Jell-O. She is appalled, and teaches him about the wonders of turkey. You can lose five pounds a year by substituting turkey for beef twice a week! Kim's turkey taco recipe can be found online. I'm not going to touch that one. Then it's time for some working out, and Kim tries to berate Amy for complaining on the elliptical. She tries to get tough. To underscore how ridiculous this is, we cut to Jillian and the Black Team engaging in torturous calorie-burning on the beach. Julie is excited that she gets to be a rebel for the first time in her life. The Black Team is definitely the team to be on. Hollie starts crying because it's all too tough for her. Jillian talks her through it in a way that's firm but not abusive by going through her options — she can do three more of whatever exercise they're doing, or she can quit. And if she quits, she's not changing. She does three more.
The Blue Team talks about the next challenge, which Bob says will involve stairs. Bob tells us that he amped up his team. He's all, "If they give you the Mount Everest of stairs, you say bring it on! Woo!" I want Jillian to challenge him to arm wrestling just once. Once is all it will take.
Meanwhile, it takes 8,000 jumping jacks to burn off the calories in a pint of ice cream! I need to get off the couch and start jumping, is what this means.
And then, challenge time! We get to see Sami Brady, who makes a pun about taking steps. Get it? Get it? Do ya? The teams are standing in front of a 10-story building, in which the lights have been left on. Each team has a stairwell, and one by one, a team member has to go up the stairs and flip off one of the switches on floors 7-10. The first team to flip them all off wins. And what do they win? One member will win immunity. Neil and Ryan have some injuries. Neil's is a foot injury resulting from the hike, and Ryan had some bloodwork come back that shows he might be working too hard. One member of the Red Team has to sit out to even up the numbers, and it's Lezlye.
The teams begin their slow individual ascents, followed by their slow individual descents. Some really tension-filled music plays in the background, but the whole challenge is honestly taking a year. And it's just not that exciting to watch people going up and down stairs. It makes me kind of tired, to boot. With the Blue Team in a slight lead, it's Jerry versus Phil. And Phil seems to be a little bit better at climbing stairs than Jerry. Phil says he's going to win it or die trying. That's a little dramatic, isn't it? Phil turns off the light, but the challenge is all about who crosses the finish line first. Meanwhile, during a commercial break, we learn that seven spoonfuls of sugar are in a can of cola. That is terrifying. The team captains race down the stairs ... and Phil wins! It's really close, though. Neil tells us that the Jerry/Phil rivalry is like Ali/Frazier. I think Lilith/Frasier would be fiercer.
The team flips switches to determine randomly who will get immunity. It's not Lezlye, which is fair. She said she didn't want immunity, since she didn't participate in the challenge. Phil doesn't get it either. Cowboy David has some cockamamie symbolic method of doing it, but it works. He's happy, but knows he can't relax, because a girl's gotta work to lose some of the junk in that trunk.
Bob sees his team the next day, and they are downtrodden about their loss. Bob tells them that Phil had something to prove, and didn't want an old man to beat him. He has to wrangle them and motivate them to get back in the gym, and does so by telling them that no team has ever won the first two weigh-ins. Neil says they're ready to make history. A really specific kind of unimportant history, but OK. Kim tells us that the next weigh-in is making her sick to her stomach, I guess because a couple of the folks are not working so hard. Amy realizes she's not giving 100 percent. She doesn't want to give up, but weight loss feels like a constant battle that's never going to end. Kim engages in some tough love. Actually, it's kind of bitchy love. I mean, what can you expect? She's no Jillian.
Jillian is a vampire
Meanwhile, Jillian! Her team is ready to go back. She says her team was defeated in week one, but now they're empowered. And, she says, "They definitely have blood in their mouth." Oh my God, Jillian is a vampire. That's OK with me, though. I've seen “The Hunger.” I'm down. Jillian tells her team they're going to be afraid. She says to feel the fear, and then do it anyway. See, that's great advice! She also tells them that this isn't going to be easy, and "they" are not going to be friendly. I bet she means Kim. I bet she HATES Kim. Meanwhile, if you go to a fast food restaurant, you're much better off getting the bacon double cheeseburger than a 22-ounce milkshake. The real problem comes when you think about how good these things taste together. Do you think Frosties count? These fitness tips are really making me hungry.
Meanwhile, Neil is having problems eating, because he feels like he's going to throw everything up. Why is that, I wonder? Is it because he's working so hard? Bob tells him that he's got to get his metabolism up to par, and that involves eating right. Bob tells him that they'll win this weigh-in, and then find something that Neil likes to eat. That is not, like, lard pie, I guess. Bob tells us that people have to eat, and that they don't starve people on the show or anything like that. Good to know, good to know.
The Blue Team has their last-chance training session. They all work out hard. And look like they're taking a big crap. That's why I don't like working out. It's the facial expressions. Bob wants to win the first two weigh-ins, and does little drills with his team. He loves his team, and says that they've done everything he's asked and pushed themselves to more extremes than anyone has in the house. Patty cries. Quelle suprise. Bob is super-encouraging with her. Patty recounts how encouraging he was in an interview, and starts crying again. Three pounds in water weight, right there. The Red Team has their last-chance training session. Lezlye says she hates running, and Kim says she hates whining and losing and is tired of hearing it. She says they're going to lose, and she'll be the one to blame. Kim tells us that the guys are great, but her women suck. Lezlye does an impression of Kim behind her back, which is awesome. Amy is not feeling Kim, I'll tell you that much. She walks out, and Kim is pissed, along with the rest of their team. Amy tells us she knows she needs to be there, but trying to convince her heart of that is something difference. Her heart can't hear her on account of all the clogging in the arteries, I guess.
Meanwhile, Bob encounters a crying Amy. He asks what's wrong. She says she's having a hard time wanting to be there with a two- and four-year-old at home. It's suffocating her. Bob tells her to try to take advantage of this opportunity, because it is an opportunity. Amy totally wishes she were on Bob's team. She gives Bob a big hug. Ew, he is so much better than Kim.
Four hours until the return of the Black Team! They are doing something obscene-looking, with heads between legs. And not their own legs, if you know what I'm saying. And not chicken legs, either. Jillian yells to the Black Team that they are going back to where they were not wanted. Julie notes that they're the underdogs, and there's no greater cause than the underdogs. It's true! It worked for me, obviously, as I am all for the Black Team. Isabeau carries Jillian on her back. I bet if Jillian advertised that as a training option she would get an increase in clients.
Amy and Lezlye talk about forming an alliance. Fatties are just like you and me and everyone on “Survivor.” They're strategic and kind of dirty too!
The Black Team enters the weigh-in room. They are the first to arrive, and Sami Brady welcomes them. Bill trash-talks the Red and Blue Teams. Meanwhile, the Red and Blue Teams walk toward the weigh-in room unawares. Suckers! Jillian is wearing cute black jeans and a black tank top and black knee-high boots. She says that her team is a pack of warriors, not to be underestimated. She really has turned them into a ferocious force, and one with lots of confidence and spunk, too.
The Red and Blue Team enter. They are shocked! Shocked! Kae says it didn't seem fair. Bob tells us Jillian was right in the front, showing her big shoulders. Her big, glistening shoulders. She says, "Did you miss me?" And then she jumps on Bob, giving him a big hug. Awww. Kim says her competitive side came out, and that she can't believe Jillian is back. Kim is perhaps the biggest sucker of all. Jillian says that right now, her team is a target, and she doesn't want to be a target. Barbie and Ken can duke it out — she just wants to sail her people through to the end. Phil is pissed off. Jerry says they still have to go over the mountain — they're not going to go through it. Jez tells us that there's some resentment against the team captains in particular, since they didn't pick any of the Black folks for their team. Jez stares Jerry down. Oh yeah, it is ON.
And now it's time for the weigh-ins! The weigh-ins seriously take the whole second hour of the two-hour show. I mean, it's exciting and all. But not in a way that wouldn't be more exciting if it were faster. The Blue Team is first. Jerry lost 31 pounds last week, the most weight ever lost by anyone in history in one week. He was 266, and now he's 256. He lost 10 pounds. Jillian says that's an insane number after losing 31 pounds, and gives Jerry props. Nicole was 271, and now she's 265. She lost six. Then there's Patty. She was 267 and is now at 265. She is surprised and disappointed. I know I shouldn't say this, but Patty has a really pretty face. Ryan goes from 359 to 349 — 10 pounds! Jillian says that as she was watching the Blue Team weigh in, she realized Bobby means business. She says they're very friendly, but also fierce competitors. Next is Kae, who lost the most weight ever on the show for a woman last week. Bob says he told her not to expect anything. She was 205 pounds, and now she's 200, for a loss of five pounds. Respectable, respectable. Then there's Neil. He's a little frustrated and nervous because of his injury. Neil was at 399, and is now at 389. Good job, Neil! He's lost 32 pounds to date. The total weight loss of the Blue Team is 43 pounds, or 2.43 percent.
Next, it's the Red Team. Kim lies that she felt really good going into the weigh-in, and that she's proud of her team. She hates them all and foresees doom, is what I really think is going on. It's not easy living in the shadow of Jillian. Mostly because she's so small. You have to take cover in the shade thrown by her biceps. But I digress. Bryan is first. He was 331 pounds, and is now 325, for a loss of six pounds. He says that they've learned that if you put up big numbers one week, it's bound to be less the next week. Amy is next. Uh-oh, I'm nervous! She was at 287 pounds, and now weighs 285. Oooh, two pounds. Disappointment. Kim says she hoped that it would be a happy ending when Amy weighed in, but it wasn't. Lezlye is next. She was at 246, and is now 243. Three pounds. Ooh, the Red Team is toast. Lezlye says she worked her butt off this week. In the real world she'd be ecstatic about three pounds, but three pounds is nothing at The Biggest Loser campus. Next is Cowboy David. He was at 348. Now he's 344. Four pounds? That's measly! Good thing he has immunity, eh? He says it's disheartening, and he needs to figure out what he can tweak so he loses more. Phil says that David busted his ass this week. He was hoping that he and David could pull in huge numbers and have it be a big winning surprise. And it still could happen, if Phil loses, like, 20 fistfuls of fat. Phil weighs in. He was previously 377 pounds. His current weight is 372 pounds. That's a loss of five pounds. You know who sucks? Kim. I mean, clearly she's at fault, right? Jez takes some comfort in the fact that the Red Team took a bath. They lost 20 pounds total, 1.6 percent. This also means that the Blue Team is safe from elimination. Bob says he did his job, but he also knows that Jillian is going to be on a mission to show the others what they're missing out on.
Back in black!
It's weigh-in time for the Black Team! They have to lose a total of 42 pounds. Hollie is up first. She was at 244 pounds. Her current weight is 242 pounds. Well, that sucks. Kim kind of smirks. Hollie says it felt like a lot more. Jez says he was anticipating a bigger number for her, and that brought home that the competition is going to be a lot closer than he thought. Isabeau is next. She was at 290. Her current weight is 285. Five pounds. That's respectable. Isabeau says that she's glad to see the other folks in the competition, and says she was thinking about them as she was hauling a thirty-five-pound sandbag up a hill. If only my true love said those words to me once in a while. Jez is next, and ready to do business. I think Jez might win, or at least be in the finals. He was at 329, and is now 320, for a nine-pound loss. That's 25 overall, and he feels pretty good about it. Julie is next, and says that there's some added pressure, since the Black Team feels like they have to prove that they have the right to be there. Julie was previously at 216, and is now 213. Three pounds. She's trying not to get down, but thinks that five pounds total is a little pathetic. Well at least she doesn't have a polycystic ovary! Oh, wait. Twins Bill and Jim need to lose more than three pounds between them to beat the Red Team. Oh, they totally have this. Bill was previously 313. His current weight is 301, for a loss of 12. Go Bill! Jillian yells, "I love you, man!" Kim reluctantly accepts her fate. I accept it with glee. The Blue Team is still ahead, and Jim will have to lose more than 11 pounds this week to beat them. Jim was at 350. He is now at 334! YEAH!!!!!!! Sixteen pounds, baby! Jillian can't even believe it. The Black Team feels so good right now, which I love. They lost 47 pounds total this week, and are now in first place.
It is the time of reckoning for the Red Team. Lezlye notes that they got crushed. Bryan is the biggest loser for the Red Team at six pounds, so he can't be eliminated. Cowboy Dave and Phil talk about who to eliminate. Phil doesn't know if it should be based on attitude or weight. E.g., Amy has a stank attitude. Dave says the toughest part for him of this whole thing is the game play. He's soft-hearted, and he wants to see everyone achieve their goals. A conscience is so novel on reality TV, isn't it? Amy talks to Dave about Phil being a threat. She says if he's thinking of himself in the game, Phil would be an immediate option for elimination. Amy also says that if Dave is thinking about a strong team, she's the obvious choice, because she weighs more than Lezlye and thus has more to lose. Flashback to Amy and Lezlye's tenuous alliance. Oooh, Amy is stanker than we had previously believed! Poor Dave doesn't know what to do. He says his gut is pointing in a different direction than it was when he woke up this morning. Must be the turkey.
Amy tells us that she needs to be there, and her weight is endangering her health. She wants to be a role model to her girls. Lezlye doesn't want to go home, because if she does, she's faced with the aftermath of Katrina. She has her parents, son, and a grandparent living with her, and general tough times all around. Phil says it's hard to realize this could be his last day there. Suspense!
The Red Team enters the Judgment Buffet with their covered dinner plates. Sami Brady tells them that they should all be proud of themselves. They've all lost weight. Unfortunately, it's also time to lose a team member. Sami asks Amy if her team works out as hard as the Blue Team. Amy says she's proud of everyone and that the team will come out on top. Way to evade the question, in the way that backstabbers often do. Sami asks Lezlye if game play has come up at all. Lezlye confirms that it has. Sami reminds us that Bryan and David can't be sent home. Phil is up first, and makes some speech about being proud of everyone, but winds up saying he has to watch out for himself. He votes for Lezlye. Lezlye says her decision was based on a long-term strategy -- she voted for the person with the least amount of body fat. That would be Phil. Really? Who knew. Amy says she voted for a person because she believes if he/she goes home, he/she will be truly successful. And it's Phil. Well, at least she didn't screw Lezlye. I guess that shows some integrity. David is next, and he voted for Lezlye. Why not Amy? So it's two Phil, two Lezlye. It all comes down to Bryan, or "B" as he likes to be called. He gives some speech too, about how he'll always there for someone when they need him, except I guess when he has to vote to send them home. And then votes for Lezlye.
Lezlye says she's somewhat surprised. But she thinks the team is going to go for it and bring home the gold. Is there actual gold? Is that a covert word for Twinkies? Sami says, "You guys are friends. That's amazing to see." It's true that you never see that kind of thing in Salem. An Exorcist-like possession, yes. Friends, no. Lezlye says that this experience has been a great thing for her. She learned a lot about herself. We catch up with Lezlye now. She is down to 200, which means she lost 55 pounds! Go Lezlye. She says that the show made her realize that it's time to move on from Katrina. She and her son have a lovely new house. A house built entirely of back fat that she lost. Let's see Ty Pennington try to do that. It's stellar insulation and a renewable resource to boot!
Next week: Temptation! Could YOU resist 400,000 calories? Yeah, me neither.