OK, so Sookie and Vampire Bill are back together. I would predict an afternoon wedding in June, with pecan pie for all, but, you know, that pesky sun might fry a few folk — say, the entire groom’s side.
Besides, nobody should be able to enjoy their love right now, not with Talbot dead, and Russell flying around all out of his head with grief, and Eric Northman on the run from Vampire Justice. There is just too much pain going on for anyone to be wearing white. Pam knows this, which is why she’s wearing a black bra when Eric storms into Fangtasia looking for sanctuary. But before anyone can flee, the True Power — the spokeswoman for the vamp movement and a bunch of badasses in combat suits — arrive, looking merciless.
Russell, meanwhile, shows up back at his mansion and tries to embrace the goo that was Talbot.
Having had vampire sex, Sookie and her man take a shower and mix up their hemoglobins. A whole bunch of blood goes down the drain, which is, apparently, a metaphor for something. Oh man; there’s a dead body in the living room and it’s nekkid. Dayum. And Sookie just showered, too.
“Normal couples do not do this, Bill Compton,” says Sookie Stackhouse as she helps move the body. Hey, sweetheart, Alcide is still available — not that dating a werewolf would help in the body count department. Forget I said anything.
Sookie confronts Vampire Bill about that secret dossier he’s keeping on her. Bill manages to make an excuse for his behavior while using very few contractions.
Jesus is making himself at home at the rococo retreat of Lafayette, walking around wearing a silk floral bathrobe and showing off a tattoo of a jaguar. Maybe the tattoo symbolizes some sort of cult membership, or maybe Jesus’s high school sports teams were called the jaguars. It’s all a mysterious mystery, but we’re thinking Jesus is a demon. Jesus? Demon? Irony? Get it? Get it? Vegas is still calculating the odds on that for us.
Eventually, Lafayette’s mother emerges from her guest room in the rococo seduction den, finally ready to leave.
Jason Stackhouse has arrived at the home of that poor beaten-up girl with the perfect cube for a head, hell bent on doing some damage to the man who beat her, and he’s brought all he needs: a shirt with no sleeves, and a shotgun. Crystal, apparently afraid of her former fiance, shouts out that Jason raped her, which somehow works as a perfect ruse. The boyfriend is subdued and Jason offers to handcuff him, but Crystal says her ex can escape those and they need rope. Rope is obtained. Jason and Crystal plant some V on her ex and leave him for the cops to find.
Nan, the spokeslady of the vampire world, is sniffing around Fangtasia looking for clues about who killed the magister. She produces a slick little mobile cam and instructs Hot Eric to give his account to a bunch of Shadowy Figures watching from far away. Eric talks about his history chasing the Nazi SS Werewaffen. He also insists that Russell Edgington is up to no good, plotting against humanity like he is. Eric also explains that he didn’t report Russell’s activities because he wants to kill Edgington himself. Viking revenge, remember.
Nan listens, but she doesn’t seem to sympathetic. Instead she assigns Hot Eric to “lockdown,” which apparently involves confinement to one of those high-fashion high-tech coffins. Later, Eric announces to his protege that if he doesn’t make it through his Viking revenge fantasy, Pam will need to step up and make a new vampire.
Poor Tara. Can’t catch a break, between her kidnapper rapist vampire would-be husband and her tendency to make friends with evil maenads. She’s being comforted by Sam when Terry Bellefleur calls to complain about noisy shrieking neighbors being up to some sexual whatnot. Sam has to go take care of that, so Tara comforts herself by pulling out a laptop, presumably to put out a Craiglist ad seeking a mortal boyfriend. Or not. Turns out, Tara has correctly realized she needs support; later, she attends a meeting for rape survivors.
The sexy noises are coming from Tommy’s place. He’s got a leathery-looking half-nekkid girl named Nicole over. Sam orders Tommy to turn down the sexual volume, which leads to some resentful glares and teasing from Tommy. Tommy implies Sam isn’t a very manly man.
Back at the cop station, Jason and Crystal learn that a cop named Kevin has been injured on the job, and his lady is there at the station shrieking and crying. Kevin, apparently, was the poor sap who answered Jason’s distress call about the Hot Shot guy tied to a tree. Apparently the Hot Shot guy was not very tightly bound, because now Kevin is in the hospital.
Right about now would be a great time for Jason to corner Crystal and demand any secrets that are being concealed inside her mesmerizingly square head. Instead, Jason tells Andy Bellefleur that Crystal’s man may be behind a V ring.
V, as in the same stuff that Andy Bellefleur is hiding in a drawer in his desk.
Hadley calls Sookie and is shocked to learn that her cousin has yet to heed Hadley’s warning to get on and up out. Hadley also has someone that Sookie needs to meet. Sookie meet up with Hadley forthwith. Unlike Jason, Sookie knows how to demand info, and she does. Hadley reveals who her undead girlfriend is, and that Sophie-Ann, like every other vampire, has taken a keen interest in Sookie.
And also: Hey, Sookie, meet Hadley’s miserable telepathic little boy. Miserable telepathic little boy, meet Sookie. Upon learning that her miserable little boy is telepathic, Hadley whisks him away.
Tommy is bad news, y’all. Then again, so is Arlene. The two get into a fight when she accuses him of stealing her tips. In a back room, Arlene bursts into tears. The new waitress tries to comfort Arlene, but Arlene, fearing that Terry will discover the paternity of her unborn baby, is still very worried. Arlene believes she “is bringing a child of pure evil into this world,” a statement that seems to interest the new waitress a great deal. Arlene realizes she does not want her baby, but she doesn’t want to abort either.
Bill is taking a vampire nap under some floorboards when water awakens him. He opens his trapdoor to find himself in the same Stevie Nicks video that Sookie was in recently. Unlike Sookie, however, he can walk on water in the video, while Sookie can only look bewildered. The mystery lady, who apparently lives in the video full time, spots Vampire Bill and tries to run off, but he pins her down before she repels him once and for all with her sunshine hands. Vampire Bill begs the mystery lady to reveal what Sookie is, so that Sookie can be better protected.
Back at Merlotte’s, Hoyt arrives with his new girlfriend, whom he hates, probably because she collects antique dolls and loves life. Jessica tries to talk to Hoyt, but she burst into bloody tears and gets Tommy all heated up.
At another table, Crystal is worried about retaliation from the Hot Shot cracker gang. Jason assures her that the people of Hot Shot are goin’ down, but Crystal begs Jason to reconsider, saying there are innocents at stake. Then Crystal’s dad storms into Merlotte’s, square jaws pointy with outrage. Sam beats the hell out of him, much to Tommy’s delight. Crystal insists on going with her Dad to the hospital, which confuses and upsets Jason.
Oh, man. Looks like Tara’s attempt to kill Franklin didn’t quite take. He shows up outside of Merlotte’s and terrifies her. She stands up to him, insisting that he kill her. He almost does, until Jason shows up with his shotgun. It’s stashed with wooden bullets, and this time, Franklin goes down for good.
Sookie grills Vampire Bill about why everyone is after her. Vampire Bill says he finally knows what Sookie is, other than talkative.
Vampire army in full effect! The vampire combat unit deploys around Russell, who is on top of a building caressing a crystal urn containing the goo that was Talbot. Then he flies away. Poor combat suited vampires: all armed up and nowhere to go. They don’t pursue Edgington, because the vampire authorities have decided that Eric will do the dirty work for them.
Russell may make himself quite easy to find; within a day, he shows up in front of a news camera, offs the anchorman, and — using the anchorman’s spine as a prop — announces that you humans are toast, bitches. Then, he helpfully kicks things over to the weather girl.