"Toddlers & Tiaras" never ceases to amaze us.
Wednesday night, the show features the trainwrecky goodness of the Statesboro, Ga., Queen of Hearts pageant, which features a 3-year-old doing a "Pretty Woman" routine.
Yes, the Julia Roberts streetwalker movie. Really.
Alas, little Paisley is not one of the featured contestants this week, so we never meet mastermind mama Wendy, who decided it was OK for her daughter to perform a number based on an R-rated flick about prostitution.
Not to be outdone -- though really what can top that? -- pageant dad Brandon plies sleep-deprived 2-year-old, Chloe, with a Red Bull-apple juice-and-Coke cocktail (aka "special juice") and coaches her in a Jeff Gordon race-car routine.
And this must be the night of pageant papas, as dad Nick whips up a Shirley Temple costume for his 3-year-old, Victoria. (Side note: How cute was Victoria's brother, Matthew, trying to politely describe his sister, then giving up? "Victoria's personality is ... (sigh).... She's spoiled. That's her personality.")
In addition to Paisley, we get another new nominee for our ongoing Craziest Name competition with 18-month old Brystol. Her spend-happy mom, Brook, declares she'll take out a second mortgage on the house if that's what it takes for her toddler to win. Er, that's the spirit?
Though, when it takes three adults (Brook, hubby Mike, pageant coach Tara Burton) and a tween (Brystol's half-sister Madison) to hold down Brystol and shove her into her cupcake dress, you'd think they'd realize that maybe this kid doesn't want to do pageants?!
But it becomes pretty clear that Brystol's wants and needs are irrelevant after she accidentally bangs her head on a door and Brook drags the sobbing, bruised child onstage regardless.
So what did the judges think of this whole mess?
Well, for starters, Brystol gets fifth runner-up in her age group. Dang, they give a prize for that? Ouch.
Poor Victoria, who seemed pretty sedate the whole day, doesn't fare much better, only nabbing fourth runner-up in her age group. At least mom Tammy takes it in stride.
But they both outscored Chloe, who got nada. Zilch. Nothing. What a waste of special juice.
Oh, and "Pretty Woman" Paisley? She won Grand Supreme.
The moral of the story? Your daughter can imitate a hooker, but she better not cry.
So what did you think of Wednesday night's trainwreck? Singing "Pretty Woman's" praises? Bawling along with Brystol? Share your thoughts on our Facebook page.