Perez Hilton (aka Mario Lavandeira), the self-proclaimed “queen of all media” and founder of the celebrity blog PerezHilton.com, shares his take on our celeb-obsessed culture in his new book “Red Carpet Suicide.” In this excerpt, he details how to “keep up with the Hiltons” — with step one involving an arrest for possession and the leaking of a sex tape in the same week.
Introduction
I wouldn’t be a self-proclaimed Hilton without penning a book of my own, now, would I? After all, I went through my own rite of passage and gained access to the crazy, sensational celebrity world. But I thought to myself, “Why should I have all the fun?” Like Paris, I’d like to make this world a hotter place. So this book, my friends, was written for you. In these pages, I’ll show you what it takes to reach celebrity status, and how, with a few wobbly steps and a case of Astroglide, you too can be a hilton! I don’t mean that you should be a street-corner whore (but you’re definitely getting warmer!). No, what I mean is, you can live like the rich, famous, and utterly depraved without even an ounce of talent or dignity.
Tired Reid is a good example of a hilton success story. I can’t even remember the last real work she’s done. After all those horrible movies, train-wreck media appearances, and documented drunken partying, you’d think she’d be banned from Hollywood forever. But somehow she still finds her way into magazines and is even popular in Australia! How can someone who’s made suicide moves to her “career” — on the red carpet, no less — still get attention? It’s because she belongs to the Hilton generation of Hollywood, and for these hiltons, scandalous behavior is actually not a suicide attempt at all. In fact, a red carpet suicide, a disastrous celebrity moment that would normally be seen as the end of a Hollywood career, is actually a hilton’s claim to fame. Clearly, the Hilton generation has taken over Hollywood and has rewritten the rules.
But what and who, you ask, is a hilton, and why does it seem that everyone in Hollywood wants to be one? Well, it all stems from this country’s obsession with celebrities and how our culture is driven by them. When celebrities go green, we stop drinking bottled water and start composting in our studio apartments. They tell us to sneak pureed carrots into brownies, and suddenly our kids are reading past lights-out. When they study the kabbalah and yoga, we become mystical pretzels. Since the beginning of Hollywood, celebrities have ruled the world, and it doesn’t seem like that aspect will change. Although what has changed (and just recently) is the image of the celebrity. These days, fame is no longer limited to the actress on the red carpet, the rock star packing the arena, or the athlete tearing up the megadome. These untouchable, elusive, and private celebrities are all being eclipsed by another kind of star.
Now we have hiltons: people we confuse with celebrities. No one even knows how they became famous or, more accurately, how they became famous for being famous. You see, a hilton is someone who is skinny, notorious, mischievous, hot, loves to party, dates a lot, acts gorgeous, drives drunk, poses seductively for the camera, rarely works, dates some more, and doesn’t eat. They appear on reality TV and in bad movies, but they can’t act; they make records, but they can’t sing or play the keytar; their athletic prowess is limited to bedroom gymnastics; and somehow, they are the hottest names in entertainment. Today, reality television stars are gracing more covers than actual actors, and famous sluts are signing on with music labels and designers, when truly talented folks can’t even get a decent rejection letter for their vocals or designs. Hiltons lack any real talent, so they have to resort to using scandal and debauchery to catapult them to fame and celebrity status.
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Celebrities in rehab
The result of all of this is that right now, everyone in Hollywood has the same checklist, and they’re all desperately trying to be a hilton. Talented artists are watching spoiled bitches get more famous than they are, and they feel like they need to jump on the bandwagon. They want to know, Why can’t we hoard all the attention, without the dull business of meriting any?
And how is this Hilton generation affecting the real celebrities, those actors, musicians, and athletes who are recognized for actual talent? Well, we still admire them for their work, but they are not nearly as addicting to watch. They definitely shouldn’t be confused with hiltons, but there are those few who are just over-the-top and plain crazy (like Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch, or Michael Jackson waving his child over a balcony) and exhibit hilton behavior. They’re easily put on the wall of shame because it’s shocking to see these folks resort to or caught doing hilton antics. It’s even juicier because of this. And negative attention is good for publicity in this Hollywood era, so it doesn’t really matter what they do. They are still on our radar. (Just so we don’t raise any confusion, when I refer to real celebs as “hiltons,” I’m merely describing the shocking behavior they are caught doing or shamelessly exhibiting. Because the real essence of a hilton is the scandal that’s associated with him or her.)
All of Hollywood embraces and profits from the rules of this Hilton generation, and everyone who wants in needs to start thinking like a hilton. People think you just have to show up to an event, act famous, and then everyone will love you. Wrong. They have to hate you to love you. I know that part very well. They have to love talking about you, but hate the fact that they love it. To be a hilton, you have to love to be hated, or at least not care if you are hated. A hilton has to think of creative ways to hoard attention — it’s not enough to have your publicist tip off the paparazzi that you’ll be shopping at Intuition; you’ve got to get caught for possession a week after your sex tape leaks out. Hiltons aren’t elusive or mysterious; they don’t know the meaning of “that’s private.” A hilton is someone with little talent who doesn’t seem smart, but they sure know how to make money and a career out of acting like they’re hotter and better than everyone else.
Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong. True, it doesn’t take much brains — just big boobs and a photogenic vagina — to set your hilton path. Butwhat it does take is a tremendous amount of work and sacrifice to earn the title. Some people spend years whoring themselves to the media just to get their fifteen minutes of fame. Time is money, bitches, so it’s wise to have an efficient strategy and know how to play within the rules of Hollywood.
Being a player in the gossip game has given me an insider’s view of fame, celebrity, and scandal. I’ve been doing this for many years now, and, lucky for you, I’m going to share with you in the following pages all of my knowledge in a how-to format — because to quote Jessica Simpson, there are no such things as applied sciences, only applications of science. In fact, consider this book your bible to fame whoredom. All it really takes is a few red carpet suicides to make it in Hollywood, and I’ve handpicked the twelve most effective ones and presented them to you in twelve easy steps. If you follow them like the Ten Commandments, you too will enter the kingdom of Hollywood and reap the rewards: premieres, bottle service, late-night parties, hard-core sex, big money, fast cars, and tabloid cover stories.
You can find these twelve red carpet suicides in the first part of this book, “Becoming a Hilton.” After you’ve made your media-whore transformation, proceed to the second part of the book, “The Future of Hilton,” where you will learn how the Hilton generation will evolve and who will be the next set of celebrities to rule Hollywood. Who knows, maybe your name will be included in that list after reading this book! And finally, the third part, “My Life as a Hilton,” documents my own journey through Hollywood and hilton life. I’ll let you in on some of my juicy celebrity secrets and outrageous encounters!
But before you even start reading the first part of this book, you should get to know the hilton types, so you know which one you want to be and whom you want to model your suicide attempts from. The following are token hiltons to consider. Mix and match. Be creative and make a hilton mutant even! There are no limits when you are a hilton.
This hilton’s fame is truly in the name, so if you were born an heiress, most of the work is already done for you. If you’re not as lucky, make up a name and fake the funk. And make sure you have your princess image down to a T!
Examples: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Brooke Hogan, Kelly Osbourne, Drew Barrymore, Tori Spelling
Identifying quote: “Daddy, I want an Oompa-Loompa now!”
The sibling This hilton thrives on the demise of his or her famous sibling(s). They’re like scavengers who pick up the scraps — though you might need to do some waiting around and real sacrificing if you want to follow in this hilton’s footsteps. La Toya Jackson has to wait for Michael to have another boys-only sleepover before she outs him to the media or publicly admonishes him for his behavior. And then there’s Ashlee Simpson, who wanted to be just like Jessica, and did just that when she got a nose job!
Examples: Ashlee Simpson, Ali Lohan, Aaron Carter, Jamie Lynn Spears
Identifying quote: “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”
The reality star
The best part about this hilton is that all you need is to be yourself. Except more annoying! Though it’s definitely the easiest way to get fame, it also has the shortest shelf life. In no time, Lauren Conrad will be long forgotten and won’t be able to find anyone who’ll want her, except maybe Hollywood Squares. Even then, we won’t be able to remember why she was famous.
Examples: Lauren Conrad, Spencer Pratt, Kim Kardashian, Tila Tequila
Identifying quote: “How can you possibly not know who I am?”
The has-been These hiltons just can’t accept their faded spotlight and do whatever they can to stay in the game. They’ll do anything and anyone to keep their platform, and sometimes it pays off. Some of these hiltons still end up in magazines, but only for filler purposes.
Examples: Tara Reid, Nick Carter, Nick Lachey, Mischa Barton
Identifying quote: “Find me a script ... or a scandal!”
The Disney sexpot This hilton is a whore in training and has a pretty influential pimp: Disney. Try out to be the next Hannah Montana and just play into the media’s expectations. It’s this hilton’s destiny to be the slut of Hollywood.
Examples: Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Vanessa Hudgens
Identifying quote: “Have you ever kissed a mouse between the ears? Would you like to?”
So now that you know your hilton type, you’re ready to get started! And for those who are worried that you might not have the talent to make it, just remember that it doesn’t take any talent at all! With just a little help from a drug dealer and the local liquor store, anyone can be a hilton and rule the world. Even you!
Excerpted from "Red Carpet Suicide" by Perez Hilton with Jared Shapiro. Copyright (c) 2009 Cool Lava Entertainment. Reprinted with permission from Penguin Group.