Bartender, another round, and make it a double! In Oct. 28's "The Rum Diary," Johnny Depp returns to the role of gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson — or his alter ego, Paul Kemp. That's great news for fans of Depp's wild-eyed performance in the 1998 cult classic "Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas."
For the infamously brilliant but unhinged Thompson, covering news and consuming booze and pills went hand-in-hand, and hallucinations of giant bats were an everyday job hazard. His fictionalized persona is one of the great loose-cannon characters in film and literary history.
Here are five guys from the movies who could tie one on with Thompson and live to tell the tale.
Bluto Blutarsky, 'Animal House'
The most degenerate member of the most degenerate fraternity at Faber College, John Belushi's Bluto is the ultimate party animal, with a 0.0 GPA to show for it. But he's not completely useless — if you want a horse stolen, or a tank to smash up the homecoming parade, he's your man. And he does become a U.S. senator... wait, maybe that makes him useless after all.
Call him when you need: A passionate but confused pep talk about that time the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, or to destroy the guitar of that irritating folk singer.
Stock the bar with: A bottle of Jack Daniels, to be downed in a single swallow. And plenty of beer — any brand, so long as it comes in a keg.
Jeff 'The Dude' Lebowski, 'The Big Lebowski'
The scruffy stoner from the Coen Brothers' beloved satire of detective movies is a little too bleary and confused to be a truly great sleuth. But once he's on the trail of missing trophy wife Bunny Lebowski, the Dude won't stop looking, whether he's confronted with European nihilists, porn magnates, or oddball avant-garde artists. And his rates are reasonable too: He doesn't care so much about money. All he wants is a nice rug, something that will really tie the room together.
Call him when you need: To solve a kidnapping. Or have a guilt-free baby. Or just roll a few down at the bowling alley.
Stock the bar with: White Russians, made with non-dairy coffee creamer.
Wong Fei-Hung, 'The Legend of Drunken Master'
Now here's a guy you definitely want on your side in a bar fight. Jackie Chan's martial-arts master specializes in a style known as "drunken boxing," which means exactly what you think it does: The more he drinks, the better he fights.
Call him when you need: To stop smugglers from stealing Chinese archaeological treasures, and only slapstick face-kicking can save the day.
Stock the bar with: Anything will do. Just make sure to stand well back from the flying fists.
Captain Jack Sparrow, 'Pirates of the Caribbean'
Whether he's staggering to find his sea legs or just three sheets to the wind, the captain of the pirate ship Black Pearl is one of the true terrors of the high seas. As with Thompson, Johnny Depp drew on a real-life raconteur as an inspiration for the larger-than-life Sparrow—Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones. Which made it all the more awesome when Richards made a cameo as Sparrow's dad in the third "Pirates" movie.
Call him when you need: To find some lost treasure.
Stock the bar with: Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Or twenty.
Tony Stark, 'Iron Man' and 'Iron Man II'
Stark's heart was destroyed by shrapnel, forcing the mechanical-genius superhero to create the arc reactor which replaced it — and which also powers his high-tech armored suit. But that's not his only Achilles' heel, or arguably his worst fault. Stark's also a high-functioning alcoholic, and sometimes he loses control — as he did in the second "Iron Man" movie, getting so drunk that he started destroying his own mansion.
Call him when you need: To fight terrorists or evil robots, or get introduced to that supermodel you've got your eye on.
Stock the bar with: He prefers a dirty martini. But maybe just a tonic water these days, hmm?
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Christopher Bahn is a pop-culture writer in Minneapolis. Follow him on Twitter.