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Paris’ engagement? Blame the burger

No, it seems too coincidental to me that the announcement of her engagement to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis comes shortly after she raised a ruckus by making love to a hamburger in a national commercial. It should be noted that people in the United States make love to fast food every day. We have the waistlines to prove it.But Paris apparently went too far. She writhed in sexual ecstasy with e
/ Source: msnbc.com contributor

No, it seems too coincidental to me that the announcement of her engagement to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis comes shortly after she raised a ruckus by making love to a hamburger in a national commercial. It should be noted that people in the United States make love to fast food every day. We have the waistlines to prove it.

But Paris apparently went too far. She writhed in sexual ecstasy with every chomp. She and the burger in question — a black strip covered any identifying parts in the clip I saw — got themselves into positions that are outlawed in many states, with a parked Bentley serving as a wet voyeur. If a burger could smoke a cigarette after a dalliance, it would have in this case.

Shortly after the spot aired, a group that I believe was called Morality Watchdogs Against The Prurient Use of Overstuffed Burgers protested, and it was pulled or limited to late hours in some markets. But the damage was done. One burger’s reputation was forever sullied. But more important, Paris Hilton’s carefully buffed image was tarnished.

Instead of making her an outcast, Paris Hilton suddenly was everywhere. You couldn’t stop her. She was at every party, every premiere, every nightclub. She was on television so often — and for no apparent reason — that she probably thought having sex for the public’s amusement was the path to success. How else to explain her extraordinary level of fame, not to mention the existence of the “House of Wax”?

But she went too far. She agreed to appear with the burger. Wearing a skin-tight, one-piece black swimsuit, she devoured the beefcake in an uncontrollable fit of frenzied lunch lust. She was in such an elevated state of wanton hunger that I don’t believe she even took a moment to sip a beverage.

It was time to find a man.

Fortunately, she’s a beautiful young woman who has always had a knack for attracting the boys. Somewhere along the way, an intermediary said, “Paris, I’d like you to meet Paris,” and redemption was hers.

Naturally, it seems strange that she would want to make her life partner someone who is also named Paris. An heiress named Paris falling for an heir named Paris ordinarily would smack of narcissism. Here, however, it might just be coincidence. She travels in an exclusive circle. What could be more exclusive than the club whose members consist of filthy rich Parises?

With this engagement, Paris Hilton can try and put the tawdry burger incident behind her. When she walks down the aisle, it will be toward a wonderful new life provided by true love and commitment, and away from the lure of a spicy barbecue beef sandwich. Haven’t we all been there at some point?

The news reports say Paris Hilton, 24, and Paris Latsis, 27, have been dating for eight months now, but I don’t believe it. This seems like one of those quickie shotgun weddings you see arranged by publicists in Hollywood all the time. Whenever a scandal breaks out, the best medicine is to project a picture of home, hearth and stability. Paris Latsis, I’m sorry to say, is a stand-in for a fast-food item. He should have proposed over a speakerphone in the drive-thru lane.

I don’t mean to be cynical. Truly, I wish the best for her, and for him. We may not want to admit it, but Paris Hilton has become an important part of our lives. She is the hot bimbo sister we never had. She is an example of how you can accomplish anything in life, as long as you come from affluence and look fabulous. She is the American Dream in spiked heels.

Her engagement also comes amid a wave of celebrity pairings. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline got hitched, and now they’re expecting. Paris Hilton’s former “Simple Life” partner, Nicole Richie, is engaged. Tom Cruise is talking marriage again after falling hard for Katie Holmes. Love is in the air, and there seems to be no stopping it.

After Paris and Paris announced their engagement on Saturday, they marked the occasion by having a barbecue in the Hollywood Hills for about 75 guests. I can only hope they had the good sense to cook salmon or chicken, and leave the burgers off the grill. These kids deserve happiness. It’s way too soon to be putting her new love to the test.

Michael Ventre lives in Los Angeles and is a regular contributor to MSNBC.com.