Nightbirde, the singer who won over fans on "America's Got Talent" with her incredible voice and courageous journey with cancer, opened up about how her faith keeps her going on even the toughest days.
The singer, who left the show in August to focus on her health, said it's hard for her not to be on the "America's Got Talent" stage for the finals this week.
"I bet you never saw someone win so hard and lose so hard at the same time. This isn’t how the story was supposed to go. I spend a lot of time squeezing my eyes shut and trying to remember what I believe; counting my breaths in the grief cloud; burying my face into God’s t-shirt," the singer wrote on Instagram.
Even in her darkest moments, Nightbirde, whose real name is Jane Marczewski, said her faith is unwavering.
"I remind Him sometimes, (and not kindly) that I believed Him when He told me the story He wrote for me is good, and that He never stops thinking of me," she added. "I must be a fool in love, because even from under all this debris, I still believe Him. And when I’m too angry to ask Him to sit on my bed until I fall asleep, He still stays."
She shared her raw, emotional message alongside a video of star balloons being released into the sky over the ocean.
"Someone released a fist full of wishing stars at sunset (STAR BALLOONS?! I mean WHAT!!) and yes, I sure did wish on every one," she wrote. "Here we are, you and I, signing off on the risk of REBELLIOUSLY HOPING for better days. Let us not be blind to our own glory.I’m raging and crying and hoping with everyone who needs to rage and cry and hope tonight. Also wishing on helium balloons."
Simon Cowell, who gave Nightbirde his golden buzzer, told host Terry Crews that he is missing her in the finals and spoke to her before the big night.
"The great news is she's doing better! I know she would have been here at the finals and we're all sending you, Jane, our love," Cowell said. "We miss you. Just get better. We love you."
He told Entertainment Tonight that he knows Nightbirde made the right decision for her health, even if it meant giving up a chance at winning.
"Would she have won tonight? I think she probably would, actually," said. "And I think she knows that deep down."